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When will I know if I am doing enough?

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toasted22 posted 11/28/2013 16:14 PM

When will I know if I am doing enough?

My WS has gone quiet again. I ask - 'Have I done something wrong'? She says 'No, its just that you have done nothing'.

So I don't know what more I can do. I ask her but she doesn't even know. She can't tell me.

This is what I am doing.

Seeing two IC's
Reading book after book about relationships and about affair recovery.
Taking WS on dates.
Doing the things that she has identified as being love bank deposits.
Keeping within all boundaries.
Doing things that hopefully address her fears.

I am trying to be as humanly consistent as possible in all of the above.

Any thoughts?

cinnamongurl posted 11/28/2013 23:54 PM

Continue doing all those things, and be patient. There are going to be times she you feel you're making giant strides, and there will be lulls. Don't let the down times deter you, and keep in mind this is a long difficult journey, and it's far from linear. You'll be up down, forward, backward, and at times it will seem like you're not moving at all. Just continue working on yourself, and being transparent and patient. Make sure you're initiating the work. You need to prove to her you're all in, and the only way to do this is through your actions. Your words hold no meaning to her now.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 11/29/2013 07:16 AM


My WS has gone quiet again. I ask - 'Have I done something wrong'? She says 'No, its just that you have done nothing'.

Honestly the answer to your question is and always will be 'yes, you've done something wrong'. But I think the problem you might be having has much more to do with how you are "initiating" a conversation. By asking her if you have done something wrong you are putting the ball in her court to start discussing how she feels. It could be that she is getting tired of having to begin conversations regarding your A and how it makes her feel. Why not start conversations with her that let her know how you feel? Tell her what you are thinking and let her in. If you wait for her to begin the conversations she will feel like she is the only one who constantly has your A in the forefront and that can be a lonely feeling.

Be proactive. Don't just wait for her to demonstrate that she is struggling or triggering. Be willing to be vulnerable and put yourself out there, even on those good days.

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