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Newest Member: danisisu7 (61142)

User Topic: I abhor the holidays, but I have young kids
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Angry  Posted: 1:50 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just absolutely abhor the holidays. I didn't used to, but they've been turned into something crass, shallow, unfulfilling, and I no longer feel authentic celebrating them in any traditional way. In large part this is because EX has so completely mind-fucked the children, they are just the worst people possible at this time of year. He always thought it was funny to completely warp their perspective on the holidays, the meaning of the season, everything. It breaks my heart to see them change, and this year is the worst ever. I'd get after him about what he was doing, he'd just curse at me & do it anyway.

If it were just me I'd volunteer at a soup kitchen or Meals on Wheels or something on the holidays. Or could I do that anyway with kids?

Anyone here volunteer on T-day or Christmas WITH their young children? How did it work out for you? How did you manage it?

I cannot go through this again. I will not. I will not live my life like this.

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!

Posts: 10722 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
♀ 19258
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NG -- I'm dealing with a similar feeling about the holidays and have for the last few years. This year we're taking the kids to the veterans retirement home in our city. We're going to go play cards with the veterans that can't be with their families on Christmas. We're going to do a small family thing in the morning and go their for a few hours in the afternoon. We're talking about going once a month

Pick something that matters to you, call and ask about the kids. There's bound to be something that the kids can be included in

But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler

Posts: 9596 | Registered: Apr 2008
♀ 27454
Member # 27454
Default  Posted: 5:00 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My dad used to volunteer in a unit for mentally handicapped adults where the residents lived out their whole lives.

On Christmas morning whilst mom cooked the lunch my father drove us there to visit.

Yes it was a bit intimidating but I still remember the joy on those patients faces that children had come in to see them.

Those were different times and most of the patients had been abandoned at birth and had no visitors ever, let alone on Chistmas Day.

It sure made us appreciate our own family and home at Christmas.

I wish you luck in reclaiming the holidays for you and the children.

Me = BS aged 43
2 boys, 13 and 9
DDay 1/19/10
Confronted him 2/16/10
Finally Divorced 8/29/12

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”

Posts: 726 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Expats in Europe
♀ 30853
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are lots of opportunities to get the kids involved in holiday charities. If they are too little to handle being in the thick of a soup kitchen and serving food, there are lots of other things with which they can get involved. See if there is a charity in your area where you can pick a family to sponsor. You pick out, buy, and wrap small gifts for families that don't have money to put anything under a tree this year. The kids could be totally involved in that.

Minimizing the glitz and materialism of Christmas is ok. You don't have to not do that just because your ex has a different view. The kids will absorb both and it would be awesome for you to show them this other, very important side of it all.

BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 3871 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 30346
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex is spoils the children, wants to buy them big gifts.

I, on the other hand, find an Angel Tree and let the kids pick out kids to shop for. We talk about how these kids have very little and we have so much.

Then, their school has a group they collect for, my children spend their own allowance on buying for others.

I do volunteer work all year, which is an organization that provides fresh food to the local food bank/Meals on Wheels. Next year my oldest will be able to go with me. I want to instill volunteering for others as a part of your life, plus doing extra around the holidays.

me...BS, 46 years old.

Posts: 4738 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
♀ 39891
Member # 39891
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not to hijack this thread but I am interested in finding volunteering opportunities for me and my my DD's 11 & 6. I think its important to help counterbalance the consumerism we are bombarded with all year long and I want to start new traditions for us.

Posts: 213 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 20849
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nursing or retirement homes are also wonderful places to volunteer. Many of them are thrilled to have volunteers come in and spend time with their elderly. The kids could make Christmas cards or decorations to give out (just check with the home, each one is a bit different.)

If you know a family or single person that is having a rough time in your community, making cookies or a meal for them can be really appreciated.

I make cookies and pass them out to certain people in my community to thank them for their hard work. This year, I am going to have DD help me. We will take them to the post office (those people know me by name), the waste removal people on trash morning, and a few others.

Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 16236 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
♀ 34525
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I admire you for wanting to turn this around, NG!

My kids love to dress up in costumes. My two dressed up, one like Santa and the other like an elf and we went to the local nursing home. We passed out care packages (chapstick, socks, crackers) and had so much fun. The kids loved looking at everyone's room and all the trinkets they had in them. The nursing home residents loved having a visit from little children.

I know money is tight, so I like the idea of having your kids make cards or ornaments to put on the tree. Just being there is all they want, though - you don't really have to bring anything.

I called the nursing home first and they let me know the parameters (when to visit, what we could bring). It was great. One of my children's favorite part was when one of the residents asked my child to push their rolling table closer to them. My child felt so good to be able to help!

I hope you have fun with whatever new traditions you decide on, NG!

BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
♀ 29183
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just made an inquiry to our local soup kitchen to find out if the kids can come help serve with me on Christmas Day (or whenever they might need us). I hope they'll accommodate, because I think it would be a wonderful thing to do with them.

Make a few calls and see if it would work. Or see if your food bank needs volunteers to put together hampers, or something.


3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know."
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2596 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
Topic Posts: 9

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