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Help me understand......

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yousaid4ever posted 11/29/2013 03:11 AM

My WH IC said that fear/pain is the biggest issue he is going to have to face in order to recover or show any remorse.

IC said that WH is 'More afraid of committing to recovery and failing than he is afraid of not committing and failing.'

WH wanted me to tell him what I thought this meant. To me it seems like a no brainer. If WH commits to the recovery of our marriage and fails, he once again hurts me and our children. On the other hand, if he doesn't commit and fails, he hurts no one. It's almost as he gets a free pass to continue in his destructive selfish affairing behavior by not committing to me and our marriage recovery.

My WH has always avoided pain of any kind, whether at home, work, church, social, etc... and has always put the blame on whatever goes wrong in his life on someone else, usually me.

He has moved out and I believe he will take the path of least resistance and pain and go to his affair partner because they are in lurve. And he has never had any pain with her because they don't share a 'real' life filled with finances, death, chores, broken vehicles, wayward children, etc.....

Good luck with that. I prefer to live in the real world, pain and joy and love and everything in between. As someone else here on SI said, "Don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split ya!!! Bye Bye

KatieG posted 11/29/2013 04:00 AM

Hi,
When you say:

If WH commits to the recovery of our marriage and fails, he once again hurts me and our children. On the other hand, if he doesn't commit and fails, he hurts no one.

If you both commit to R, you are in it together and if it fails you have tried and then you will be ready (hopefully) to split. But if he doesn't even try he is hurting you and your family. Why do you say he hurts no-one?

I do understand your wider point on avoidance though. But if the bottom line is he is not ready to do the work, I guess no-one can make him.

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/29/2013 05:29 AM

Well lets see, if he was a man and was willing to do the right thing even if it was tough, he would never have had an affair, right? So my money is on the easy way out business as well. Sounds like you might just be better off moving on. Heres the dirty little secret these idiot waywards dont realize while theyre humping each other and destroying loved ones, 95% of affair born relationships end within 5 years. Guess what? Now that this thing is out in the open he settles in to his new thing and its just the mundane life again, except now its with someone who isnt moral or decent and "gasp" the relationship is based on a lie! Ha! Best advice? Walk away. Be cold. Youve done your part. If he is still with his ap, do the 180. Move on. Hes cake eating even now.

steadfast1973 posted 11/29/2013 06:30 AM

But... Sound like your wh is like i used be. There are a lot of things that I'd give up on out of fear of failure. It's not laziness or that they think no one will get hurt. It's saving the idea that "if I DID try, I could do it. " it's a way of avoiding the blame, in a way, because, deep down, you are sure you will fail. This way, It's because I didn't want to, not because I can't. It's a cop out. A self defeating cop out. "If I don't care, I won't be disappointed in myself WHEN I fail."

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