Partner up and left with another woman. Moved back to California (he is american), is now 2000 miles away (I am in Canada).
So I am left here alone, to continue my pregnancy and to birth alone, and to raise our toddler alone.
He said he still wants to be part of our toddlers life, and the twins life. I asked him what exactly that means, or would look like, does he want to webcam once a week or whenever he feels like being a "Dad", does he want me to mail him photos every so often to validate him?
His response was "fuck you".
As of now, our daughter, who was VERY attached to her Daddy, doesn't understand why he no longer gives a shit about her..he hasn't even ASKED how she is, or to see her on webcam, or anything. There's been nothing.
I don't want her to hurt anymore than she already has. I don't think it would be healthy for her to see him occasionally on webcam and not understand why she will never see him again..I think that would cause SO much damage to her.
And as for the twins that aren't born yet..I feel like it will be better for them if they never know him at all, since I have serious doubts he would ever come and see them, or be a father in anyway. He said he wants to be at the birth still and will wait in another room if I don't want him IN there (he said he will fly here for a few days for it..how generous of him)...fuck that, I don't think it would be healthy for my daughter to get those couple days with her dad, or for the newborns to have a few hours with him before never seeing him again.
This is all so overwhelming..two weeks ago, we were happily planning for the birth, and things were fine (or so I believed, and he pretended).
My world is so turned upside down.
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, keep my kids from falling apart, while dying inside.
Also...he has a daughter from his first marriage (she's 7) who is the light of his life..he would move mountains for her..she is his princess and absolutely his #1 priority.
[This message edited by Lostandpregnant at 5:34 AM, November 29th (Friday)]
As for your toddler, I really have no advice for you since in my situation, DD never had the chance of forming any sort of relationship with my ex. Fortunately, my H came into her life when she was still a babe in arms and he's been "Daddy" to her since. She knows he's not her father but in cases like this, "father" isn't nearly as important as "daddy" KWIM?
Decide who you want your support person to be when the time comes - a family member or trusted friend perhaps - and if your wayward partner gets whiny, just tell him he's SOL. He had his chance and blew it. It's your choice, not his. You don't need the stress.
I hope the rest of your pregnancy is uncomplicated. Focus on you and your babies and do what you need to make sure you're all healthy.
All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.
I am assuming you aren't married?
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.
Please find out, exactly, what your (and his) rights are. If he has no legal right to your children at al by Canadian law, then tell him to go f-off. When the toddler gets older (like teen aged) she can make the decision if she wants to find him or talk to him. As for the twins, same thing. I worked labor and delivery for some time. This isn't your first childbirth. You know how vulnerable you feel while giving birth, even when you are surround by people who love you and have your best interests at heart. He doesn't fit any of the parameters, so he can just stay in CA and wait to hear about the birth, whenever you feel like telling him, IF he's legally entitled.
YOU have the power with these children. Use it. He is essentially a walking-turkey baster at this point. Treat him as such. POS!
D-Day, June 10, 2012
i have to say, it was the most rewarding experience ever. when I finally realized I cannot change anyone and I was in it for the long haul, I had fun, no anxiousness and I was stringer cause all I could count on was me.
im terribly sorry you are going thru this. I would be panicking a bit, then I would make plans, and just move forward cause thats all you can do. and I saw f off to the guy. do not contact him. your daughter will miss out on nothing more than a man who doesnt give a damn cause something sparkly came along to take his attention. thats not love or being a dad. thats a sperm donor.
To be honest I wish my ex would just walk away, all he does is manipulate and play games with our children and leave me the mess to clean up with them, he isn't really involved but see them semi-regularly about once a month, it causes more problems this way for the kids. It's like an animal playing with it's prey.
If he makes this decision it's better he does it now then in 5 years time. They will be too young to really remember him.
I know this is going to be hard on you. Please look after yourself. ((LandP))
Best thing I gained in my divorce - my freedom.
And yes...I've decided he isn't coming to the birth. I don't need to see him for the first time after he did this to me during my most vulnerable time. Fuck that.
He walked, so he can keep walking.
He walked, so he can keep walking.
Good for you. You're doing what's best for you and yours. But, on the off chance this happens, be prepared for him to get all weepy about not being close with the kids. That's what happened in my sitch. I lived less than *a mile* from my ex and he had zero interest in seeing DD. That is until I moved almost 200 miles away. THEN he started the "woe-is-me, I never got to know my daughter because..." bullshit. He tried to lay it all on me. He knew where I lived, no reason arrangements couldn't have been made for visits... except he didn't want to. His loss and he got that shoved in his face. Later (*much* later) DD tried to connect and he still wasn't interested. <shrug>
Anyway, at 3, your toddler may retain some memory of your ex but it probably won't hold much emotional impact after a few years. IF he visits, he'll be a virtual stranger to her. So, once again, if he starts getting weepy in a few years about lost opportunities, remind him it was his choice.
My bet is as soon as OW becomes baby mamma, he'll walk out on her as well.
He's a coward like you said. He cannot or will not face the responsibilities of parenthood. He's too weak.
Anyway, I read your posts in JFO (can't post as I'm FWS) and I'm glad the babies are doing well. That's yet another thing he screwed himself out of - seeing them at this stage, hearing their heartbeats - even 20 years after my youngest, I still remember it. He'll never know the magic, the thrill of those moments. So along with your anger, pity him because he willingly walked away from so much.
My WH also wanted to be present for the baby's birth- I told him no from day one. I ended up having my sister with me in the delivery room and let him know a few hours later, when I felt ready. Best decision I made. I had a drama free birth and had this feeling of peace knowing I could do this all without him. And raising the baby myself has been great too- I have my 2 kids to take care of and no longer have to take care of an overgrown man-child.
Hang in there- sending you lots of hugs and strength.