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Fathers that just walk away?

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Lostandpregnant posted 11/29/2013 05:30 AM

My story is in JFO, but to summarize, I have 4 children from my first marriage (I get along with their father, my ex just fine)..and my partner of 5 years and I have one toddler (3) together, and twins on the way.

Partner up and left with another woman. Moved back to California (he is american), is now 2000 miles away (I am in Canada).

So I am left here alone, to continue my pregnancy and to birth alone, and to raise our toddler alone.

He said he still wants to be part of our toddlers life, and the twins life. I asked him what exactly that means, or would look like, does he want to webcam once a week or whenever he feels like being a "Dad", does he want me to mail him photos every so often to validate him?
His response was "fuck you".

As of now, our daughter, who was VERY attached to her Daddy, doesn't understand why he no longer gives a shit about her..he hasn't even ASKED how she is, or to see her on webcam, or anything. There's been nothing.
I don't want her to hurt anymore than she already has. I don't think it would be healthy for her to see him occasionally on webcam and not understand why she will never see him again..I think that would cause SO much damage to her.
And as for the twins that aren't born yet..I feel like it will be better for them if they never know him at all, since I have serious doubts he would ever come and see them, or be a father in anyway. He said he wants to be at the birth still and will wait in another room if I don't want him IN there (he said he will fly here for a few days for generous of him)...fuck that, I don't think it would be healthy for my daughter to get those couple days with her dad, or for the newborns to have a few hours with him before never seeing him again.

This is all so overwhelming..two weeks ago, we were happily planning for the birth, and things were fine (or so I believed, and he pretended).

My world is so turned upside down.
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, keep my kids from falling apart, while dying inside.

Also...he has a daughter from his first marriage (she's 7) who is the light of his life..he would move mountains for her..she is his princess and absolutely his #1 priority.

[This message edited by Lostandpregnant at 5:34 AM, November 29th (Friday)]

Clarrissa posted 11/29/2013 08:04 AM

Sorry you're going through this. Been in a similar sitch myself. My oldest DD has (had) a father who was very disconnected from me while I was pregnant with her. Out screwing other women, wouldn't go to appointments with me, even got ticked when I wouldn't take risks (it was my first pregnancy and there was a history of miscarriage in my family). Anyway as far as being there when you deliver, my first reaction was "Hell no!" If you don't want him there then he doesn't get to be there. I didn't even think about having the sperm donor there when DD was born. I told him *nothing*. YOU decide who you want with you at this time. Being there is a priviledge, not a right. He says he wants to be there but what about what you wanted - a faithful partner, a father for your children. He disregarded all that and now wants the *priviledge* of being there when this miracle happens? IMO, he lost any chance at consideration when he up and left.

As for your toddler, I really have no advice for you since in my situation, DD never had the chance of forming any sort of relationship with my ex. Fortunately, my H came into her life when she was still a babe in arms and he's been "Daddy" to her since. She knows he's not her father but in cases like this, "father" isn't nearly as important as "daddy" KWIM?

Decide who you want your support person to be when the time comes - a family member or trusted friend perhaps - and if your wayward partner gets whiny, just tell him he's SOL. He had his chance and blew it. It's your choice, not his. You don't need the stress.

I hope the rest of your pregnancy is uncomplicated. Focus on you and your babies and do what you need to make sure you're all healthy.

sparkysable posted 11/29/2013 08:05 AM

He up and moved 2000 miles away to live with the OW? He made the choice, he can make the effort to see his kids.

I am assuming you aren't married?

Skan posted 11/29/2013 15:45 PM

You need to see a lawyer immediately. Questions that need to be answered is, since you were not married, is there anything on paper that says that your toddler is his? Since you're not married, what rights does he have what rights do you have? Do you have the right to file for child support?

Please find out, exactly, what your (and his) rights are. If he has no legal right to your children at al by Canadian law, then tell him to go f-off. When the toddler gets older (like teen aged) she can make the decision if she wants to find him or talk to him. As for the twins, same thing. I worked labor and delivery for some time. This isn't your first childbirth. You know how vulnerable you feel while giving birth, even when you are surround by people who love you and have your best interests at heart. He doesn't fit any of the parameters, so he can just stay in CA and wait to hear about the birth, whenever you feel like telling him, IF he's legally entitled.

YOU have the power with these children. Use it. He is essentially a walking-turkey baster at this point. Treat him as such. POS!


lifestoshort posted 11/29/2013 22:11 PM

my ex did this. when I found out he had the affair, I kicked him out... was married and he happily went so that backfired. cause I really wanted him to remain my husband and stop f'ng other girls.
well that never happened. we had a toddler too. I divorced him and when all was said and done, we started dating again, 6 months in, got pregnant and he left a week before i found out. no changing his mind cause we broke up over him screwing yet another girl. I went on in the pregnancy alone, I birthed at home basically alone- he came to help w our son a bit and he wasnt in the newborns life at all till she was around 5-6 months.

i have to say, it was the most rewarding experience ever. when I finally realized I cannot change anyone and I was in it for the long haul, I had fun, no anxiousness and I was stringer cause all I could count on was me.

im terribly sorry you are going thru this. I would be panicking a bit, then I would make plans, and just move forward cause thats all you can do. and I saw f off to the guy. do not contact him. your daughter will miss out on nothing more than a man who doesnt give a damn cause something sparkly came along to take his attention. thats not love or being a dad. thats a sperm donor.

Bluebird26 posted 11/30/2013 07:23 AM

Sorry you find yourself in this position, but definitely get legal advice.

To be honest I wish my ex would just walk away, all he does is manipulate and play games with our children and leave me the mess to clean up with them, he isn't really involved but see them semi-regularly about once a month, it causes more problems this way for the kids. It's like an animal playing with it's prey.

If he makes this decision it's better he does it now then in 5 years time. They will be too young to really remember him.

I know this is going to be hard on you. Please look after yourself. ((LandP))

Lostandpregnant posted 11/30/2013 11:13 AM

To answer questions:
He is in the USA and I am in Canada. Because we wanted our toddler to have dual citizenship, we did the required pat test (not because of any doubt she was ours, but because they require it).
So that's one thing..however, she is in my primary custody, and always has been, so legally he hasn't got a leg to stand on if he tries to do anything, really (yes I spoke to a lawyer). We aren't married (we were engaged and together a long time).
The most he can try for is a "long distance plan" which would mean he can facetime with her on agreed times and dates.
He would never apply for anything else, because he knows he isn't capable and would lose..and frankly, I know he'd rather say I kept her from him than actually fight to see her.

And yes...I've decided he isn't coming to the birth. I don't need to see him for the first time after he did this to me during my most vulnerable time. Fuck that.
He walked, so he can keep walking.

Clarrissa posted 11/30/2013 11:40 AM

He walked, so he can keep walking.

Good for you. You're doing what's best for you and yours. But, on the off chance this happens, be prepared for him to get all weepy about not being close with the kids. That's what happened in my sitch. I lived less than *a mile* from my ex and he had zero interest in seeing DD. That is until I moved almost 200 miles away. THEN he started the "woe-is-me, I never got to know my daughter because..." bullshit. He tried to lay it all on me. He knew where I lived, no reason arrangements couldn't have been made for visits... except he didn't want to. His loss and he got that shoved in his face. Later (*much* later) DD tried to connect and he still wasn't interested. <shrug>

Anyway, at 3, your toddler may retain some memory of your ex but it probably won't hold much emotional impact after a few years. IF he visits, he'll be a virtual stranger to her. So, once again, if he starts getting weepy in a few years about lost opportunities, remind him it was his choice.

Lostandpregnant posted 11/30/2013 13:22 PM

Thank you. It helps to know I AM doing the right things. He's not going to do shit..he's too much of a coward.

Skan posted 11/30/2013 15:05 PM

My Dear, I am hearing some RIGHTEOUS anger in your posting. And I'm proud of you for that! Get angry and use the anger for your benefit. (((hugs)))

Clarrissa posted 11/30/2013 16:48 PM

Indeed, keep that anger. If you start to falter, remind yourself that HE WALKED. Just up and left.

My bet is as soon as OW becomes baby mamma, he'll walk out on her as well.

He's a coward like you said. He cannot or will not face the responsibilities of parenthood. He's too weak.

Anyway, I read your posts in JFO (can't post as I'm FWS) and I'm glad the babies are doing well. That's yet another thing he screwed himself out of - seeing them at this stage, hearing their heartbeats - even 20 years after my youngest, I still remember it. He'll never know the magic, the thrill of those moments. So along with your anger, pity him because he willingly walked away from so much.

pregnantandsad posted 11/30/2013 17:07 PM

I am so sorry you are going through this. My WH left to be with OW when I was 7 months pregnant with our 2nd child. He lives one town over and I wish he would move 2000 miles away! But, he is here and always annoying me. He does see our toddler every week but does the bare minimum with her. I know it would hurt her if he moved away, but I honestly wonder if she would be better off in the long run without him in her life.

My WH also wanted to be present for the baby's birth- I told him no from day one. I ended up having my sister with me in the delivery room and let him know a few hours later, when I felt ready. Best decision I made. I had a drama free birth and had this feeling of peace knowing I could do this all without him. And raising the baby myself has been great too- I have my 2 kids to take care of and no longer have to take care of an overgrown man-child.

Hang in there- sending you lots of hugs and strength.

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