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Getting past the "this isn't fair"

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Marathonwaseasy posted 11/29/2013 06:35 AM

Ok I know it's very early and the answer is probably just "time"

But I am very fortunate to have the perfect remorseful fwh and the fallout of dday has made him see what a shit he's been for 7 years since his initial breakdown which he chose to blame on me rather than face the horrible diagnosis of bipolar. I can understand wanting to run from that. Hell, I wanted to run from it and I was just suffering second hand. The A was just another part of the whole denial/resentment/delusion/illness. In many ways it was his way out. His suicide note as I was going to throw him out and then he could just do what he had wanted to all along and die. Seriously scary illness behaviour. The change that has come with realisation is immense - he is still not well but is making progress and doing a lot of work and facing his feelings and promising me every day to care for me and never ever kill himself.

So much good stuff
We are so close. So intimate and not just HB. Real openness. Really listening and hearing. Real deep joy at being together doing the simple day to day stuff. Like pre his breakdown only better.

So my question - how do I get past the fact that to reach this good place I have had to suffer the devastation of betrayal through an A? Logically the fact that he wanted to die every day for 7 years is a bigger betrayal as there's no coming back from that and it would have destroyed our 3 children. But emotionally and sexually an A just hurts so damn much

This is my life. This is the road I've had to travel to get where I so want to be with the man I so want to be with.

But it's not fair

AFrayedKnot posted 11/29/2013 07:08 AM

Its not fair and thats a fact.

I fell into the martyr rut for quite a while. And still do on some days. When I can see the growth and changes that I have made in myself the "fairness" of it doesn't seem to matter. The A's were just as much a motivating factor in me being true to myself and living with integrity.

All of the good you listed were of about your H or your M. What work are you doing on yourself? Are finding ways to grow? Are becoming the you you want to be?

Marathonwaseasy posted 11/29/2013 08:04 AM

Yes I am chicho. I'm facing my co-dependency that did not help our M through the past few years and doing IC re my FOO issues and my trauma re fwh's near suicides etc. I'm very attracted to Brene Brown's work on vulnerability and wholeheartedness and am looking hard at that. My concentration for reading isn't great.

I'm a bit stuck re other stuff. I'm a runner but just can't run at the moment. I did a marathon in May. I can barely manage 3 miles at the moment as the negative thoughts plague me and sap my energy. There are things I want to do running wise but that's a bit on hold sadly
But I've started doing other fitness goals which are a bit easier to manage mentally and will help the running when I can start again
We have decided to downsize our home in spring 2014 so I can work less and follow other dreams I've put to one side while I've been keeping a roof over our head and keeping fwh alive. I just hope I'm "over" the pain enough to be able to dream by then.

AFrayedKnot posted 11/29/2013 08:42 AM

I hear you about being stuck on other stuff. I have been having some health problems. I can't reap the benefits of my favorite hobby, cooking. I haven't been able to do yoga in a couple months. My work has also been suffering. Its all been adding stress and sucking my joy.

I have been trying to focus on being proud of finally starting to take care of my health issues. I have been spending more time meditating and inspirational reading.

Keep trying to move forward where you can. Self pity sucks. And yea, I know you didn't want to hear it, but time helps too.

ming56 posted 11/29/2013 23:02 PM

Being the betrayed person is never easy and is anything but fair, however that is the reality. Even when your spouse gets it and is doing all the right things it is still hard to escape the unfairness of it all. I think it is perfectly normal to grieve at times what you lost and endured because it is certainly rare to receive that acknowledgement from anywhere else. Eventually once you come to a place where you can forgive things should start to sort themselves out and if your partner continues to do the right things it becomes easier and easier to gain clarity and accept it is what it is. None of us is perfect and some have to deal with a lot of pain and a lot of shame. People can act irrationally when they are in pain and make very bad decisions. The important thing is if he can live by his words of reconciliation to you and be transparent. If he can that great healer time will take care of the hurt and actually present you the opportunity to grow as a person as well. Speaking as one five years removed from my spouse's infidelity amazingly I no longer fret over the details and the questions of why since having some emotional distance has allowed me to recognize what grave pain my wife was in and to understand her inappropriate actions were a reaction to that pain and really had nothing to do with me. I could never have dreamed of writing this last sentence five years ago while in the eye of the storm and would have scoffed at the very notion of ever feeling this way, but thanks to my wife's commitment to deal with her issues and make things right and my ability to forgive and give her the chance to do so we have not only reclaimed our once solid marriage, but have actually grown individually and collectively immeasurably. Hang in there with hard work and perseverence it will get better!

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