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This will be my first time leaving the house since it happened

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Lostandpregnant posted 11/29/2013 06:52 AM

I'm frozen.
I have to go to my ultrasound to make sure my babies are ok.
I'm sitting here in complete and utter panic. I don't want to leave my house. I'm terrified.
I've been in my cocoon just trying to breathe and survive since he left.
I don't know if I can do this. I don't even know what I'm terrified OF.
This anxiety is debilitating.

Lostandpregnant posted 11/29/2013 06:53 AM

And please don't say do it for the babies. It just makes me feel more guilty and ashamed. Of course I will do it for the babies..but thinking of the babies also makes me think of what me and the babies no longer have, and seeing them on the ultrasound is heartbreaking to me right now.

Chrysalis123 posted 11/29/2013 06:59 AM

((((Lost))))))

20Hopeful16 posted 11/29/2013 07:04 AM

I know its scary, but you are stronger than you think and you will do it. And, please, while you are there, talk to your doctor about what's going on if you haven't already. That was one of the hardest things I had to do, but it was so helpful. S/he can help you find help... therapy, meds that are safe for the babies, STD testing, whatever you might need.

My therapist said to do breathing to help. Deep in (count four), hold (count two), slowly out (count six).

Raven96 posted 11/29/2013 07:08 AM

I'm so sorry. Be careful going out in the world with all the crazy shoppers! I wish you didn't have to go out.

(((L&P)))

Lostandpregnant posted 11/29/2013 07:15 AM

Being in Canada, at least I don't have to deal with shoppers and thinking of thanksgiving.
I have to just drive the hour to the hospital, go to the ultrasound department, lay there for two hours, then go home. (Trying to talk myself through the actual steps of it).

solus sto posted 11/29/2013 07:27 AM

((((Lost))) It is scary. I had a doctor's appointment the day after d-day. I was terrified. There's a surreal phenomenon in which --you realize that, as you sit at the traffic light your world crashing around you--that everyone else is moving through life as if nothing happened. I remember this occurring as my brother was dying, and later, as my mother did---just feeling so very alone, as life went on as though nothing horrible was happening.

I later figured out that this ... helped, oddly. It helped to be among others, even if I felt completely estranged and alone.

It helped to get confirmation that life does, indeed, go on. Because on some level, I knew that everyone around me had a mother who would die, or already had. That many had spouses who had cheated, and they'd survived.

You will get through it. Not for the babies--but because there's no choice. You have to. You have to survive each day because the alternative isn't even an alternative.

I think there is a subset of us who are treated particularly cruelly. Infidelity and discovery are ungodly for all of us--I do NOT mean to minimize anyone's experience. But there are some WSs who are particularly disordered or cruel, and make it especially difficult. For those of us who have these "partners," the fallout can be ...unusually shocking and painful. I think your situation falls into this category.

But we still survive. We do.

anewday78 posted 11/29/2013 08:37 AM

(((Lost))) if it helps, think of all of us here. We're rooting for you, we're here for you, and we'll be here for you every step of the way. You've got a community of 40,000+ people who care about you and want to give you the emotional support you need to get through this. We know you can do it, now you have to believe that you possess a well of untapped strength deep within you. Tap into it and use it to overcome this scary first step. Once you've conquered that fear, it will no longer be as scary and you'll be able to move on to conquering the next fear. (((Lost)))

Holly-Isis posted 11/29/2013 08:42 AM

Then don't do it for the babies. Do it so he doesn't win. So that whore he's with doesn't win. Live your life and move forward with the kids so those selfish bastards don't get to have power over you.

k94ever posted 11/29/2013 08:44 AM

Lost...you need to sit down and write out a list of things you need to talk to your doctor about.

First off....your OB NEEDS to know what you are going through. Stress kills.

Second....you NEED to get tested for STDs.

Third....you NEED to tell someone in real life.

Totally "get" the overwhelming desire to isolate yourself at this point in time but it is absolutely the worse thing you can do for you and the kids. It's time to alert your support web and pull them around you tightly. If you don't have one now is the time to put one in place.

Consider this your kick in the butt from an old-timer but I'm thinking forward in time as to what you are going to need to get you through this.

You are loved. And SI really needs some twins to spoil rotten

k9

Girlietoo posted 11/29/2013 08:52 AM

I am so sorry. I am in Canada too, hopefully in the same time zone:) I am going to be putting a circle of light around you and holding your hand virtually. You can do this, I know it.

mesoSTUPID posted 11/29/2013 09:26 AM

(((Lost))) Hang in there! We're all rooting for you. You'd be surprised how many of us are even if we don't post.

painfulpast posted 11/29/2013 09:36 AM

I think not wanting to leave the house is normal. I felt so raw and exposed, as if everyone knew I wasn't good enough (oh, those first few weeks - don't miss those at all).

You'll do great today. Each step of the way you'll keep thinking you can't get through it, and then it will be over, and you'll have made it.

We're all with you!!

TheThreeYearFool posted 11/29/2013 10:00 AM

(((Lost)))

Do it for you. You will feel better afterwards just for getting up and going somewhere of your own volition.

myowndystopia posted 11/29/2013 10:50 AM

I'm not too far in to the reality kick in the face so I totally get that not wanting to leave the house!

But ..... Listen to the others. Talk to your dr. About the std testing. I had that humiliating appointment on Wednesday but glad I finally did it! Still waiting on some results but already on antibiotics! But with you being pregnant it's even more important to know!

Also- find a friend. I finally told a couple of my friends and that has really helped. They haven't judged me or any of my decisions. It really felt good to no longer be hiding my pain from them and I know they are there for me. They have encouraged me, validated some of the feelings I was having, offered support, listened without judging, let me rant when needed, let me cry when needed. So call a friend, go to lunch, coffee or have her come over. I don't really have a super close best friend but felt I had a couple friends that I could share this with. My IC is only once every week or two- my friends are a call or text away 24/7. Good luck and we are with you!

Lostandpregnant posted 11/29/2013 15:07 PM

I had my iPhone with me at my appointment, and I looked on here to read the responses, and I felt like I wasn't there all alone.
I don't know what I'd do without this place right now..I want you all to know how much I appreciate your support.
The babies are doing perfect. They are both growing, and they are fraternal, 1 boy and 1 girl. They were kicking and happy. It was reassuring to me that they are okay even though their mama is a mess.

Camille87 posted 11/29/2013 15:18 PM

Going out can be so surreal. It seems that the world has carried on without any care for what devastation you have just endured. You can't believe people are laughing, enjoying a meal or an ice cream cone and just carrying on with life!

It is so painful to see couples holding hands or displaying any physical affection. I remember the first few months I felt like a walking zombie, a shell of a person maneuvering through public like a ghost. No one knew my pain and devastation and if they could see it I doubted they would care!

I didn't go out for months unless I absolutely had to!

I can tell you this: it gets easier each time.

There are many of us out there who know exactly the effort it is to do what you have to do when you have such pain in you soul. You are not alone!

Tell you doctor everything and each time you have to go out call a friend or family member who can encourage you to make the steps necessary and can comfort you when you get home. I think it's also a good idea to have a reward waiting for yourself when you arrive home: a hot bath, a cup of hot chocolate or whatever! Take care of yourself and treat yourself regularly. You will get through this!

Lostandpregnant posted 11/29/2013 15:34 PM

I feel sort of embarrassed when everyone keeps saying about talking to friends and family, because I don't have any friends :P
I used to, but now I live in a new town and haven't made any friends. He was my only friend..I know how pathetic that sounds, it's so embarrassing to type.
My mom is really trying to be supportive, as best she can, which is nice, we've been somewhat estranged for years..so it's sort of awkward..my Dad (my parents are divorced) is being supportive in a pat on my shoulder not sure what to say way..lol.
I just don't have people.

JerseyCowgirl posted 11/29/2013 15:42 PM

You are numb & frozen right now..your body's way of protecting you right now..it is not that you do not care. A strong woman is not one that can handle everything...A strong woman is one who knows when to call in the troops! You need 1-2 close friends or family to act as your patient advocate..to go with you to every appointment and be your ears & voice to help you every step of this journey. I faced a similar situation & I would never have made it without the help of my 2 close friends who listened to Dr's when I could not & helped me with every decision. You can do this but asking for help right now shows your strength realizing when you need that helping hand.

selkiescot posted 11/29/2013 17:15 PM

lost you can do this. I remember dday 2, I was scheduled to read that day at out church. I got up got myself and my daughter dressed and in the car. I don't remmeber how.I put on my vestments and walked up to do the prayer service. I did it because I had too. I started reading and fainted dead away. The pastor came running in 911 was called and I had to tell EVRYONE at the church what had happened.I was so humiliated. Everyone at the church understood helped me through and supported me.
I know the feeling of humiliation. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! You did nothing to force him to leave. He chose the cowards way out and ABANDONED you pregnant with twins. I know you are crushed your heart is bleeding on the floor but soon you are going to get angry. How dare he leave you with his children. he is scum and soon you will know exactly that.
There are support groups who will help. There are counselors who will help. There arechurch pastors who will help. YOU ARE NOT ALONE, Everyone of us has had our hearts crushed and we are still here and still fighting. If you cannot take large steps take baby steps. Make a list of everything you need to do. Tackle one thing at a time. First get tested for stds asap. You need to do this for your twins to be. Second talk to an attorney. Find out where you stand financially and get him served. TODAY. do the 180. Speak of nothing but the children and finances. if the OW is married out her to her husband. Call his parents and tell them. be strong. We are with you.

[This message edited by selkiescot at 5:17 PM, November 29th (Friday)]

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