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Anyone else in R "lull?"

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womaninflux posted 11/29/2013 09:18 AM

By this I mean things on your list of "must haves" about the marriage are in place, WS is doing what they are supposed to be doing, you aren't in a crisis any longer but at the same time you can't shake an underlying feeling like "this is it? this is what I fought so hard for ?"

I don't think I can stay in the marriage if this is what it is going to be like. I really don't. Part of it for me is also that I feel like my husband is going through the motions in a lot of ways, that he is doing everything he is supposed to be doing but he's still 5% checked out if that makes sense.

TennisTC posted 11/29/2013 09:36 AM

By this I mean things on your list of "must haves" about the marriage are in place, WS is doing what they are supposed to be doing, you aren't in a crisis any longer but at the same time you can't shake an underlying feeling like "this is it? this is what I fought so hard for?"

^^^^ This is exactly how I feel lately! Unfortunately I can't offer any advice of my own, but I would love to hear from others how they worked past this. It seems like I'm stuck and I have no idea how to get pass this.

Itsgoingtobeok posted 11/29/2013 11:40 AM

I hear you ! I often wonder this . Do I actually want to be in a m where I can't completely trust my spouse . Right now R is going Ok but not as well as wanted it . I thought they should be completely remorseful and do whatever it took to help me through it but in my WS mind saying there very Sorry and living nc is enough . To me its just a starting point because I need to feel safe so I need her actions to show me she wants to be in this marriage . I look for the little but hard things for ws . An example would be for my WW to give up going out on black friday and to spend that time with me . Well I have to admit she failed . I really can't see how anyone can put shopping in front of her marriage . It brothers me which brings me back to my begaining statement .WS have way's of justifying there actions so I know I'm going to hear a excuse . I think you have the same feelings as I do . You want your M to work and your willing to do your part but we just get hurt when our WS put there wants in front of the M

Angel177 posted 11/29/2013 12:20 PM

I have been feeling like this for a few months now. I'm thinking a lot of this second year that's how it's going to be. Hopefully year 3 is better.

Neithan posted 11/29/2013 12:23 PM

Yeah. We're over 3.5 years out, and she's "living her amends" to me by not cheating, not lying, and being nice.

The sex is hot and kinky, and on my terms. We laugh together, travel well together, have fun.

But the bedrock trust I once had for her is not there.

Even so, I believe I'm better off with her than without her. IF she doesn't lie or cheat again.

If this is all there is, I will be okay with it. But the magic has gone away.

Perhaps someday the magic may return.

marionwendy posted 11/29/2013 12:40 PM

I feel this exact way! There are days I question the Reconciliation completely! Do I want to be with a man who did so much lying? Do I want a man who can lie to his wife of 20 years? A man who says he does not know why he did what he did? He is doing all the right things, changing jobs, NC, showing remorse, supporting me, but there is always this thing lingering in the back of my mind.... is he really sincere? Or is this all a bloody show, because god knows he was a famous actor for months! There are days that I believe what he tells me but then have to give my head a shake to remind myself that he lied for months so whats stopping him now? TRUST is gone and I guess that's why I feel the way I do.... I will never completely feel the same as I did before but I hope that we can rebuild on a new foundation and maybe just maybe have love again.

rachelc posted 11/29/2013 12:58 PM

Reading these posts is sad! Yet I feel the same way. I have a pros and cons list going in my head. That's NOT the way to live. But there ya go.

FightingBack posted 11/29/2013 13:09 PM

Actually, I think I have just come out of a lull.

For the last couple of weeks, I feel I am finally decompressing.

haven't made it to happy yet, but the pain is more of a dull ache now and I handle it much better.

Tomorrrow will be the first year of year 3, and yes, year two was no picnic. I'm feeling more confident, stronger, and have learned to modify my expectations. Today I say I am content and hopeful to stay in this marriage.

I think I will be OK and the M will too. But that doesn't mean the ride is over, and I should be due for a down-turn in less than a week!

Sal1995 posted 11/29/2013 13:13 PM

Part of it for me is also that I feel like my husband is going through the motions in a lot of ways, that he is doing everything he is supposed to be doing but he's still 5% checked out if that makes sense.

Makes perfect sense wif. Sadly.

MC_Jack posted 11/29/2013 13:16 PM

^^^me too folks. I think in some ways the betrayal is of such a magnitude of horror that you want to see efforts from the WS of the same magnitude. But I wonder if it is really possible. The reality is that the 'horror' is so great, so limitless in some ways as a mark on your head and heart, that there really is nothing that the WS can practically do that can compare. All we can do is scale back or sense of the horror. And be vigilant on things like transparency, communication, and WS behavioral changes. So magical huh?

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 1:18 PM, November 29th (Friday)]

avicarswife posted 11/29/2013 13:38 PM

Me too unfortunately.
I feel he is doing the bare minimum plus a bit.
I mean he goes to counselling, reads the odd book slowly, about once a week we will go out for lunch but that is it really.

He never raises the affairs or the consequences for discussion - unless i do there is no conversation on it. He never talks about how he feels about things.

As for why he had his PAs it is still unknown. When I ask he just lists thing that were also in play- depression, burnout, lack of support at work etc but nothing else. When I showed him a post on the Wayward forum on whys with over 2 pages of responses he says he couldn't relate to any of them. Almost like his reasons were more 'special'

He is reactive not proactive. I mean if I say we/he aren't moving and I am worried he will post on SI but otherwise he won't have even looked on SI in weeks ( internet history ). Sex is good but I don't feel any emotional connection - I want to love him but feel like we are friends with benefit. Yes - it is one big lull here too.

Neithan posted 11/29/2013 15:57 PM

I think in some ways the betrayal is of such a magnitude of horror that you want to see efforts from the WS of the same magnitude.

I can relate to this. I think very few of us ever see WS efforts at recovery that are proportional to the devastation caused. Maybe it isn't possible.

Sal1995 posted 11/29/2013 17:28 PM

I think in some ways the betrayal is of such a magnitude of horror that you want to see efforts from the WS of the same magnitude.

Exactly. Over the course of more than 10 months my wife had porn star sex with the OM 2-3 times a week. That was easy for her. It was also easy for her to be seen in public with another man, in our town. Personally, if I was cheating on my wife the last thing I'd want to do is be seen in public places, like restaurants. I would be so nervous I'd be unable to choke down a bite of food (that tricky conscience thing). For her and her lover, it was routine. Just another date night while I stayed home and watched our kids.

But creating a profile on SI and staying in the protected confines of the Wayward forum, at my request? That's too difficult. Because online forums are not her thing. Not even worth the effort. She won't do it even to save our marriage.

Message received, loud and clear.

Shattered-Heart posted 11/29/2013 17:45 PM

I think in some ways the betrayal is of such a magnitude of horror that you want to see efforts from the WS of the same magnitude.

Exactly! Not just what you have to do, when I get upset, in sporadic bursts!

I feel he is doing the bare minimum plus a bit.

Yup, this ^^

I want to love him but feel like we are friends with benefit.

And this, too. Roommate is not what I signed up for.

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