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Cabot posted 11/29/2013 12:54 PM

Hate I have too be here but glad it exists.
So Here is my story...

My wife and I have been married for 10 years now 2 kids. We both have jobs that cause us to have long hours and it is very difficult to find sitters. We have 2 children under age 10.

My wife's job has an unpredictable end time so she sometimes gets home up to 4 hrs late it is the nature of our line of work. When she started the job the time she would come home late were few and far between. Recently it has been occurring much more frequently.

So 4 weeks ago I was at home and my wife had some work training to do for only a couple of hrs. I told her I wanted to see her that evening.

Her meeting ended and she told me she would be home so she just wanted to grab some dinner. I said ok see you soon.

5 hrs later she finally got home and I confronted her and said lately it seems like you don't want to come home she told me she didn't. that she had enough of our marriage and she had to let me go. I was completely shocked I know we have had some minor issues but never suspected she wanted a divorce

The next day I questioned her on what was going on. She said I have not been happy in our marriage for a long to. She has tried to get me to change but I haven't listened. I the asked her if there had been anybody else and she said yes. And I couldn't even stand. She told me that 2 times during our marriage she had had EA/PA with other men. Over the past 4 months and 9 years ago. She told me that she had decided that our marriage was over 5 months ago and she didn't feel like trying anymore. She said she felt like the 1st affair she had a life long friend from (he was married at the time) The 2nd affair she felt bad for him (also married for 20 years) and I know that she was with him before we were dating and she says she loved him ( he was married then also)

She has also told me that she has already been to see a lawyer.

So right now my major issues are I want to try to R but so far she has showed very little interest. Saying she has tried for so long but I haven't changed.

I know that he affairs are not my fault and even if I had been the most perfect man in the world that they prob would have still happened.

I have done a lot of reading about the fog which I believe she is in and about the 180 that I am having a lot of trouble sticking to.

Any advice or suggestions from those who have been through similar situations would be greatly appreciated Thank You

headdesk posted 11/29/2013 13:55 PM

If you know the OM then tell his BW. Shine the light of day on it and don't tell your WW that you're doing it.

See a lawyer yourself. Know where the money is going. Take steps to protect it, including getting statements. Cancel any joint credit cards.

I'd be tempted to kick her out. If the marriage was so bad then she SHOULD HAVE LEFT. She wants to be footloose and fancy? There's the door.

Don't nice her. Nicing her won't work. Make boundaries and hold them solid. If she cries R, then state the steps she needs to take to R (if you want to R).

Gather information quietly and keep a track of everything.

Most importantly, take care of yourself. Avoid depressants like alcohol, eat as well as you can (drink ensure if you can't), drink lots of water, etc. Get in to a councilor if you can. They can help a ton.


self-rescuer posted 11/29/2013 14:05 PM

You are in shock. Really - shock.

At this point the most important things to do are drink water, force down some food (soup? yogurt?), try to get rest and take care of your kids.

Reach out to IRL family and friends who can keep you steady. This is hard, hard shit and you cannot walk through this alone. Individual counseling is also something you need to explore ASAP. Ask the potential therapist if they have experience in working with betrayed spouses.

Post here again and again and again. There, unfortunately, will always be someone here who is living the EXACT same hell you are suffering.

Finally, your head and heart are in two different places now and will be for awhile. As bitter a pill as it is to swallow, there is a cheaters handbook and your WW's behavior is both deplorable and predictable. Read the stories shared here. They will illustrate why it is called the roller coaster but more importantly, these stories will help guide you back to life.

I wish you peace.

Cabot posted 11/29/2013 14:15 PM

thank you I have been eating the best I can right now that's 1 small meal a day. I have an appointment with a councilor on mon she is also in IC but every time she came home from it she said they just discussed "ripping of the bandaid" I have a line on a lawyer and will be consulting soon. I have been going to church and trying to stay busy. I work but she is the primary earner in our family and I have been doing my best to keep up with the house and the kids.. The 2 hardest thing for me now are not being there for her because I still care for her and she has bad days but still says she feels the same and Putting up the fake front for the kids is so hard because I feel like im lying and that hurts so bad because I feel the pain that lying has caused

Brandon808 posted 11/29/2013 15:17 PM

Sorry you're going through this brother.

She said I have not been happy in our marriage for a long to. She has tried to get me to change but I haven't listened.
First question is why were you the one who had to change? Does she think she's been the perfect wife? Got a news flash, good wives don't cheat on their husbands. I'd call bullsh*t on that excuse (and it is an excuse) and walk away because brother the woman she is now (not talking about the woman you remember, mind you) is just not worth it.

She doesn't want R so right now you need to focus on protecting yourself and taking care of yourself and your kids. Leave her be because she'll only hurt your further with her blameshifting and lies.

Cabot posted 11/29/2013 15:31 PM

I know I need to be strong. I know that her affairs were not my fault. And I also know that while she has said she tried to work on our marriage at those time because we did go to marriage counseling 5 years she was not willing to admit to her actions than. And right now I believe she still is partially in the fog and would like her to come out before we make a decision. I know that may never happen right now Im doing my best to work on myself and my kids. and I have told her while I would like to see if R is poss there is no way it will work if she cant face the truth of her action. It is just very hard for me right now this is still very new for me and crashing waves of emotions a unbelievable.

Brandon808 posted 11/29/2013 15:43 PM

It is just very hard for me right now this is still very new for me and crashing waves of emotions a unbelievable.
I know. I can genuinely empathize. There is nothing more heart-rending than to love someone used to love/care about you and just stops. When you have to face someone like that who can't (or won't) love you any more...well it's just torture at that time. It does get better. Stay the course. Think of it as sailing through a bad storm. Your course is fixed and you will see the sun again. You just have to keep sailing through all of the buffeting and rough seas. Remember you aren't alone either. There are quite a few of us here who've been through it too. We speak from experience.

Cabot posted 11/29/2013 15:48 PM

I feel that the toughest part through all of this is the person who I leaned on in the most difficult times in my life isn't only not there for me right now but also the cause of this incredible pain

Lostandpregnant posted 11/29/2013 16:09 PM

"I feel that the toughest part through all of this is the person who I leaned on in the most difficult times in my life isn't only not there for me right now but also the cause of this incredible pain"

I know exactly how you feel. I'm right there with you. I'm so sorry you're going through this too :(

Jocelyn posted 11/29/2013 20:58 PM

"I feel that the toughest part through all of this is the person who I leaned on in the most difficult times in my life isn't only not there for me right now but also the cause of this incredible pain"

This hits the nail on the head. I'm sorry you're/we're here.

Jules1111 posted 11/29/2013 21:14 PM

Yes that is the hardest part. The one person that was always supposed to be there and have your back, and you were supposed to be able to go to with your pain is the one that isn't there anymore and is causing your pain. I just keep telling myself to just keep breathing. There are some awesome people on here that have helped me already even though I am only on day 6 since DDay (so I really don't have much advice) . Just keep posting it will help you and help some of use going through the same things. We can all help each other through this.

standinghere posted 11/30/2013 17:14 PM

Saying she has tried for so long but I haven't changed.

Obviously she hasn't tried the proper things. You have been married for 10 years and she has had 2 affairs, both with married men, and she had an affair with a married man (one of the marital AP's) before she was with you. That is three affairs with married men.

Guess who doesn't trust ANY married man?

Especially you...the man she is married to.

Guess who has major daddy and mommy issues from her childhood?

We have 2 children under age 10.

Lawyer up immediately, you have a single task to take care of, and do it now, protect those children from their mother with her secrets and absences and inattentiveness and her boyfriends. Accept what she tells you, but don't believe any of it. You probably have no clue about what the real story is, and based on what she is doing now you more likely than not will go to your grave at 100 and never know. However, you can protect your children.

Your wife needs serious psychological help, with IC, she can't be trusted by you, or her children, or anyone else, until she gets and follows a good program of recovery.

mychild posted 11/30/2013 17:50 PM

Hi Cabot

Was wondering how you were doing. You are so new to this - what is it, a month from Dday?

Me, being a woman, wife, mother, just simply - not at all - not in this universe, cannot understand how any good mother would cheat on her husband if she has 2 young children.

I don't get it at all, Cabot - being a woman. It disgusts me when men do it, but we seem, as a world culture, to not be so surprised, even think that men are just so weak, etc. (whatever excuses we use for men not being strong husbands, fathers, boyfriends). But I just can't fathom a good mom doing this to her 2 children.

Cabot - what does she say about that? Even in the fog - that stupid fog where they don't know anything except they just aren't happy - whoopti do cartwheels down the street - and that their distraction outside of their family makes them feel different. They just love their escape, but never really seem to understand anything they do or why they do and never want to introspect.

Anyway- has she explained how she so carelessly wants to break up the family? You know - 50/50 kids. You M, T, W, TH - her Fr, Sat, Sun etc? How about separate apartments? I'm sure you both can't afford 2 house payments - if you can Bravo!!! But if you can't, how is she going to afford all this new luxury of 2 apartments, extra gas driving kids to and fro - extra stuff for the kids because now they manipulate both of you, etc and you feel guilty etc. Kids get a lot more expensive every year, as you know. Has she figured out all the expenses yet? When I went to lawyer, they wanted 10 grand just to start - or will you do it without lawyers? Just wondering how both of you are coming up with an extra 15 to 20 grand, unless you find lawyers who work minimum wage or something...

How about MC? Do you have health insurance that will cover MC? Does she want to go with you or is her fog so thick, she can only think about older men she can escape from her children and you? You know - that wonderful life of secrecy and lies and pathetic fantasies that are fantasies for a reason - real life is hard and when you decide to make a family of children - it gets harder - it's great - the kids, but you as an adult have to take on the weight of the world for them - or doesn't she know this? If not, maybe you need to sit her down and give her some education. Or - you could ignore her....

Do you work out? Why do I ask, you wonder, what does that have to do with anything. Oh, just everything, Cabot. Time to focus on you also, and always the kids, but I'd start working out. If you do work out - work out harder. How are your muscles? Really - stay with me. How is your wardrobe? If you can't afford better clothes, I'm telling you there are so great second hand stores, even with great men's clothing. How about some nice shoes, socks, shirts (sexy ones - younger ones - for young men in their 20s), sexy jeans. How is your hair? If you don't have much - that's fine - work with what you have.

If there's one thing that gets any WS's attention - is the BS not needing them, getting in better shape, being sexy, wearing sexy or attractive or classy clothes - or having a whole wardrobe of all that and great shoes and cologne and clean perfect smelling car and attention from opposite sex....I think she needs a little reality check. Start slicing through her fog. You can decide if you want to keep after you've had some independence from her - not cheating, just independence and happier children. They will see your confidence and love for yourself and feel better. They know what's going on. Change everything up, Kid. Really. Change everything up.

Cabot posted 11/30/2013 18:19 PM

I am trying to work on myself before d-day I went to the gym 2-3days a week working on getting back. As for a lawyer luckly I have a family friend who is one im in contact with and is will to work for me for 1/6 her normal rate. For IC I go tomorrow and my WW has been seeing one but last time she went was 10 days after DDay and she said they talked about riping of the band aid and just ending our marriage nothing about working on her

She has started have some remorse for what she has done but still says she doesn't feel like working on our marriage.
And for the money I have no idea we live paycheck to paycheck right now.

Cabot posted 11/30/2013 18:29 PM

She also told me she doesnt want to schedule MC until after she talks to her IC which is acouple days away

bufffalo posted 11/30/2013 23:14 PM

Cabot.... she still in her affair? Is she in any contact with the OM (other man)??

Do you know who he is? He married? his wife know?

She has started have some remorse for what she has done but still says she doesn't feel like working on our marriage.

How is she showing that remorse?

Have you read the healing library? its in the yellow bow on the left side of this screen....please do....

Keep us posted...


Cabot posted 12/1/2013 07:25 AM

She has said that he A is over and that she is no longer in contact with OM
He is married and has been for 20 yrs I have no idea if his wife knows.
I have been reading the healing library and I am trying the 180 but it is very hard for me to do.
I know she may never change and right now I am just trying to make it on a day to day basis.
I still hurt almost all the time but the pain is starting to subside some.

mychild posted 12/1/2013 10:50 AM


"I know she may never change and ..."

I'm so sorry you are feeling so down. What kind of stuff are you doing with the kids? I don't know where you live, obviously, but with the seasons, is there anything fun and cheap there that you guys can do and have fun? You have to get out of that situation - in the house and feeling down. Feel down outside, really. Getting up and out and having fun with kids - you will still feel down, but it will get you out of the house and off the computer and that is what you and the kids need.

Has she told you why she is not willing to work on the marriage? I don't understand blanket statements - just shows such mental incompetence. Is she unable able to communicate? Very strange - really - and this is not sexist - most women cannot shut up when they are upset or troubled - they want to get it all out and explain exactly what is WRONG with you or them or the kids or the world or work or whatever!! How good have you been at listening to her or has she always been just in her own little world - just so strange. If there is one thing women can do expertly - it is communication. Starts early - we are built for that because we have to be able to take care of babies - it is in our nature. So when you say things like she doesn't want to work on the marriage it sounds so immature or mentally slow. Sorry - I'm just reading what you write.

As for MC - she can definitely go to MC before IC - it's not like she's committed to IC. Is she committed to anything? Is she committed to her children? How is she as a mom? Is she a zombie? Sorry - you make her sound like a zombie. And I love zombies - just wouldn't want to be married to one - oh wait, I have told my husband he is a zombie since D-Day. Along with invasion of the body snatchers, robot, computer, anything with no emotions --- but this is just more easy with a lot of men -- men are attacked at young ages for having emotions - women are not... Is she emotionless??? My husband is not in touch with his emotions - he is completely disconnected. He is in group with other f'd up men who are all trying to get him to be more in connection with his emotions - ya, I have a winner here - I win. So is she the same way??????

Anyway, I just can't understand why you can't make her go to MC. I mean - really, she is your wife, still. You aren't divorced, you aren't separated. I can make my husband do anything - now that is. He was always good at doing anything before - just not fidelity - you know, that was my job (little did I know.) But see, I can't cut and run - I have a baby - my baby that I will do anything for. And you have 2 babies - and so does your wife. That is enough right there to go to MC. You can't just put your foot down and demand she go? I don't get it. She sounds like such a spoiled brat. No I won't go, you can't make me, blah blah blah. And what about her children?

Has she always been depressed (not because of an affair - but depressed all the time)? Should she be on meds? That's what they are for.

Sorry for the long post - I don't know how to do short ones. But really, is this the way she has always been? And have you just always went along for the ride? If so, time to take over the wheel.

[This message edited by mychild at 10:53 AM, December 1st (Sunday)]

Cabot posted 12/1/2013 12:16 PM

I have been doing a lot more to get out of the house been attending church functions playing with the kids as much as I can and trying to take care of my home the best I can she is the primary earner but I do work. and I realize now that she had basically given up on helping with the house work for the past 5 months she even confirmed this.

I know that I have too keep up with things around the house because some days I feel like im just getting the house ready to move out.

I know things will take time I know that we will be doing MC. I could force it but I know if I do that she will shut down more I going to give her the chance to want to do MC.

As for communication almost all of our talking about the subject since D-Day have been started by me. Or have been her answering questions asked by me. Other than her IC I don't know how much she has talked to anyone else about her issues.

For being in front of the computer a lot I have done my best to only post when the kids are sleeping when im at work or the kids a busy playing together and don't want me to play.

As for reasons why she wants to end our marriage I have been told. She has had doubts for a long time. Maybe she is the type of person that should never have been married, She thinks she might have wanted to get married because all of her friends were getting married at the time. And she has had doubts that I was the right man for her. She has tried for a long time to make our marriage better and is tired now and doesn't want to try. (Although she has even said that she was never going to admit her A when she wanted to work on our M in the past).

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