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Camille87 posted 11/29/2013 14:41 PM

We have just had our 1 yr Dday anniversary about a week ago. Things have been up and down and definitely difficult! Some good days and some bad days.

Things have been extremely stressful lately for him at work with lots of deadlines and people making their demands so FWH has been working long hours and coming home exhausted, going to bed early regularly. Also has had trouble making it to MC appointments because of his hectic schedule.

I was looking forward to Thanksgiving and the Thanksgiving weekend so I would actually see him and spend time together!

Even though I know he's been working a lot I swear lately he's been trying to avoid coming home to me because I'm such a mess and difficult to be around right now as I'm grieving and just struggling in general.

We had a great Thanksgiving lunch with family and afterwards played board games with all enjoying the afternoon. When everyone left at 4pm FWH announces that "the guys wanna see a movie at 5pm" and asked my permission to go. I didn't feel I had a choice. If I said "no" he would be resentful and wouldn't want to spend time with me anyway! I agreed but was angry.

After the movie they went out for drinks and he arrived home at 9pm. I had an emotional meltdown and we ended up in heated discussion. He admitted he sometimes doesn't want to come home (though not always) and that sometimes he feels smothered by me! He also feels despair and hopelessness. He says he wishes I didn't make my universe revolve around him and that I would pick up some hobbies and let him have some as well. He referenced his parents marriage and how they have freedom to be individuals within the marriage. I reminded him his parents haven't been through an affair! I also said he would no longer be feeling smothered by me as his comment just put a big wedge between us. His reply? "This is why I can't be honest with you: when I tell you how I honestly feel you punish me."

Someone just give me your reaction to this rant!

[This message edited by Camille87 at 2:45 PM, November 29th (Friday)]

karmahappens posted 11/29/2013 14:54 PM

He referenced his parents marriage and how they have freedom to be individuals within the marriage.

Ok, I am a little opinionated and I expect A LOT from a WS wanting to take advantage of the gift of R.

IMO

Your husband is being a selfish asshole. He took off after Thanksgiving dinner to go to the movies and drinks with the guys?

Ok, he asked and you said yes.

#1. He should not have asked.

#2. He did. I would have asked him why he thinks he should be hanging out with a guys night period...after having an A?

Yeah, no, sorry.

So his parents have freedom to be individuals? Does that include having A's? Because that's what your husband did.

He needs to come home and face the music. It may be uncomfortable, but he created your dispair, your heartache and the buckets of tears you have been spilling.

If he isn't interested in helping you through this, he has no interest in real R.

He should feel guilty, he should feel like a POS for what he has done to you and he should be moving heaven and earth to fix this.

OK, my rant is over.

I hope you are in some IC. I think you need to realize just how selfish his behavior and words are.

You deserve better.

I am sorry

ETA

I agree with him, I would pick up some hobbies and start detaching from him. He doesn't deserve your time or devotion.

I am so furious for you.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 2:56 PM, November 29th (Friday)]

eachdayisvictory posted 11/29/2013 15:59 PM

My first reaction is that he's being mean to you. My second reaction is to reflect on my journey and what I've learned, and I do hear some things that can be worked on. Have you ever analyzed the way that each of you feel loved, like the '5 languages of love' book? Perhaps, no offense intended, you could be a little co-dependent? I'm just offering that as something you could look into. Having said that, he needs to do a lot right now. He needs to be working to build trust with you, to show that he is willing to acknowledge changes that he needs to make. You both need to be going to each other when you have concerns, not going out with 'the guys'.

Our nights apart have been few and far between since dday, and when they do come up, we do a little planning to make sure that we will both feel safe and respected; being open about all locations, me explicitly saying that I would like to know if they move, who's there, regular planned texts or calls, all of it.

Maybe you could really plan ahead for a couple of things to do on your own? Then you could give a little and he could give a little.

Hope I'm not sounding preachy, lord knows I still struggle daily. Just want to offer some potential help.

Hugs.

MOTG posted 11/30/2013 11:01 AM

I went through a similar thing...I'm just going to lend you my story and maybe it will help you. I started taking my kids to Play dates an Mom groups and made some new friends there. Every Friday afternoon I'd go to a play date and he'd go with the guys from work for a couple drinks...Cool with me, fine. My husband also play an online game with our neighbor/friend. I'd get angry because he'd come home help me with dinner and get the girls to bed and then he'd go down to our neighbors house and I'd sit home alone while the kids slept...I would get angry...then I found a solution a compromise...I'd rather him go down at like 7, I get the girls ready for bed and put them to bed, he come home and we can hang out for a while with out the kids climbing on us. Did it last night...It was great, really we watched a movie and made some snacks together, we laughed with each other. You can figure this out you just have to take that anger and frustration and put it aside figure something out that makes sense.

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/30/2013 11:12 AM

Once you cheat you dont get to be an asshole. Thats my rule. When you murder someone you spend your life in jail. He murdered your love. Its a life sentence, except youre in the prison of his making. He put you behind bars for his crime and he doesnt understand why you want him to stay in the cell with you? What an asshole move.

Sal1995 posted 11/30/2013 11:42 AM

Like many waywards, your husband sounds emotionally immature.

"This is why I can't be honest with you: when I tell you how I honestly feel you punish me."

I get things like this from my wife all the time.

Screwing around on us was easy. Dealing with the fallout...not so easy.