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All of a sudden struggling with inferiority thoughts

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SecondHelping posted 11/29/2013 15:13 PM

It's been been almost 15 months since D-Day and I still think about fWWs affair daily. Sometimes 10-20 times a day. I've learned to accept that this is my new life. I believe that I will always be reminded of what she did, but I also believe the pain will continue to subside.

Things have been mostly good between us, but just this past week, I have this terrible feeling of inferiority.

Let me start of by saying my private parts are of average size. By reading fWWs emails to AP, I believe him to be above average, and I've know this since D-Day.

I recently joined the gym (fWW got me the subscription) and last week I saw a guy who is the spitting image of her AP. Then noticed another guy similar in build/baldness that was larger than me while we were in the locker room. All of a sudden a flood of self doubt, images of him/her doing it, negative feelings came at me.

Ever since then I feel like I'm somewhat inferior to AP...that she's settling by staying with me. I keep wondering if one day she'll get tired of me (size) and look for another like him. I wonder if she's thinking of him when with me. More, more, more.

We've discussed this a few days ago and I don't really think she understands how a man thinks about this stuff. I tried to explain it to her that it's like a herd of deer. The one with the biggest rack mates first with the doe deers that he wants. The smaller rack deer must wait in line and take what's left over. That's exactly how I feel. I'm the deer with the smaller rack, wondering when my doe will go to a buck with a bigger rack.

I know it rediculous and she says "I have nothing to worry about." I asked her to explain and she said "I love you just as you are and I wouldn't change anything".

Unfortunately, the feels of insecurity remain. What can I do?

Brandon808 posted 11/29/2013 15:30 PM

Are you in IC? If not then I would find one.
Also, this...

"I have nothing to worry about." I asked her to explain and she said "I love you just as you are and I wouldn't change anything".
...would be much more effective had she never had two A's. Problem is she did so saying she loves you as you are and wouldn't change anything can ring a little hollow when you can't help feeling she did want something different because she chose someone different. At least that's the way it seems.

However, the AP and the A itself are about the WS and their issues. There's a thread titled "Honey, they always affair down." Even if the WS claims the AP fills something criteria in terms of physical attributes what they're really still looking for is external validation. They fundamentally have to change how they assess a person's value in order for someone who is willing to engage in A to be a "good" person in their eyes. Truly remorseful WS, once they come out of the fog, often express disgust and struggle with how they ever looked at the AP as someone worth their time, much less the damage caused to their BS.

I've felt that same insecurity you're feeling. I've had two long term relationships and my M tainted by A's. I fear on some level I will always struggle with it a bit. However, I've learned to view it as my struggle. Each time it rears its ugly head I strive not to feed those negative thoughts, to not give them any power. I focus on the things about myself I value, work on those things I want to improve and accept what I cannot. If whoever I am in a relationship with cannot see the value in that, in me...well then they can gtfo.

Camille87 posted 11/29/2013 15:32 PM

I'm a betrayed wife but I've spent my life working with college women and women in general. I can tell you that women really don't concern themselves with "size." However, we know that men do so we know that we can make comments about size and that it will appeal to a man. If your FWW made comments about size to the OM she was doing it because she knew as a man he would want to hear that!

Trust me! I've heard more women be concerned about a man being so big that it would cause her physical pain to be intimate with him. There is actually anxiety about this! Also, if a woman is petite or has a particularly small frame she is worried her body will not allow her to accommodate a large size and it will be painful in that case as well!

Women are much more concerned with how a man makes her feel!! We want to be loved and CHERISHED! These are the keys to a woman's heart!! Loved and cherished!!! Women care very little (if at all) about size!!

You're looking at this issue through a male lens because you're a male. If you could only see it through a female lens you'd relax!

Though let me add that anyone who has lived through the betrayal of a spouse is going to deal with some feelings of inferiority. Just don't let them last. You are unique and gifted and of great value whether she can see it or not (or if she temporarily forgot your value).

[This message edited by Camille87 at 3:35 PM, November 29th (Friday)]

eachdayisvictory posted 11/29/2013 15:50 PM

Right now, I can commiserate with you about the feeling of inferiority, but not about 'size'. I feel the same way about my body all the time, and I can't help but occasionally get stuck on comparing my body to the OW. She was TINY. Short, petite, skinny, all of it. And I was extremely overweight. I've lost 80 pounds this past year, beginning in an unhealthy way, but morphed into a healthy change of lifestyle.

You can't change the thing that you judge yourself on, but believe me when I tell you that we are in the same boat. Even if I think I am more attractive, or 'hot', than the OW now, it doesn't change my constant insecurity about the fact that maybe he just wanted to have sex with someone more attractive and thin than me. My H has told me a thousand times over our 15 years together that it is NOT a factor, and to be honest, I still don't fully believe that - but I'm trying.

I want to assure you that what Cammile said is absolutely true. I have had a large group of girl friends my whole life, and we have talked openly about our sexual experiences, and never - NEVER - has the size of a man's penis been discussed in any real way (except to note the obsession that men have with it), and it has never, NEVER been a factor in sexual pleasure.

Women DO NOT sit around and wonder what another dick would look like, we wonder if someone else might treat us better, make us happier, love us more, honour us more, make us feel better about ourselves, make us feel more special. That's absolutely the truth. That's all I wonder about my relationship now - can I feel loved enough post affair.

Perhaps you need to discuss the fact that you saw comments from her to the AP about size? Have you ever? If she's out of the fog, maybe she can let you in on the fact that she was trying to rub his ego with those comments and keep promoting the 'specialness' they felt during the affair (that was all an illusion btw).

It's hard, but having no idea what you look like, I can tell you with certainty that your 'size' is NOT inferior. Sometimes for me, hard and fast statements like that help me to believe. So please, believe that this is true - because it is.

Neithan posted 11/29/2013 15:51 PM

I hear you.

My wife always insisted size meant nothing to her.

But then she wrote extensively and rhapsodically to an email pal of hers about the wonders of her lover, his bigger penis and other superior physical attributes and the overall pleasures he brought her that I did not. Oh, and how she felt more spiritually connected to him because she was very active in our church, and he was a minister (of a completely different faith) while I was not so spiritually enlightened as they were.

So that was a lot to absorb. And I still struggle with feelings of inadequacy.

But it gets better with time. I am what I am, it is what it is, and other people find me worthy and admirable, albeit for different reasons than physical appearance and sexual prowess.

I get my self-respect from fulfilling my duties, to myself and to others. Not out what what my wife thinks of me, or tells me, or how she treats me.

And penis size never matters to a woman. Until it does. Visit the Betrayed Men's thread in the "I Can Relate" forum and you'll hear similar tales written by other guys who've been through what you and I have been through.

[This message edited by Neithan at 3:54 PM, November 29th (Friday)]

Yakamishi posted 11/29/2013 22:19 PM

No good words here, but I can so relate to this. I could have written this.

RaceTheDream posted 11/29/2013 22:25 PM

For women, a BIG part of sex is emotional. It's all about how you make her feel, how you comfort her. And not just when you're ready to get in bed, it's an all day thing. I personally will have a better experience when my fiancé makes a point to make me feel loved throughout the day. Sometimes it's something as simple as just asking how I'm doing today, or a text to say "I miss you", picking me up when he kisses me. A big one is when he just puts his arms around me randomly during the day and whispers "I love you" in my ear, or randomly stops by my work to bring me coffee. Women really are simple, they just need constant little reminders that you care about them and are thinking of them.

Really what makes things hard is that men and women really do think differently. Our brains don't work the same way, and it takes A LOT of work to understand the other. For example, when we find out about an affair, a woman is more likely to ask If you loved the OP, and men are more concerned about them being better in bed.

It's really not about size, our connections are more emotional. It's about who the other person is and how they make us feel. ( I'll admit I will say something about his size occasionally just to make him feel good, but I personally don't think anything about it) You said you talked to her about "size", you may try a different approach? Instead of sharing your insecurities, try asking what she likes in bed? Or what you could do to make it a better experience? Or ask what you're already doing that she does like?

And unfortunately, all BS have to desl with this. What you have to remember is that she is with you now, she chose to be with you. So you must be doing something right! :)

UndecidedinMA posted 11/29/2013 22:31 PM

Let me just say if I saw john Holmes coming at me I would run like my life depended on it.

Size is a thing but technique matters more, if you can dissolve bondaries - you can be 5 inches !!!!

Camille87 posted 11/30/2013 00:31 AM

Well SecondHelping I have to comment on my reaction to hearing that she felt she and her lover were more spiritually connected because that sounds like just a crock of shit. If these two were so "spiritual" why were they lying, deceitful, selfish and committing adultery? Something was definitely not right in many categories but definitely not right in the spiritual category! As one gets closer to God it is harder to enjoy such behaviors.

I assure you that size does nothing for pleasure. Technique and emotional connection make for the best pleasuring of a woman. Your WW may have been trying to beef up the experience because she was bragging to her friend.

SecondHelping posted 11/30/2013 11:47 AM

Thanks for your comments. I have struggled a great deal with sex since her affair. I go through periods where it's tough to finish because of the thoughts in my head.

I have always tried to make sure it was pleasurable before, even before the affair, and I still do. I always tried to wait until she was ready.

I still want to have sex but I occasionally have problems initiating or finishing. This has become less of a problem in the past 5 months until now. I just can't seem to shake this.

We went to the gym together today and I had the same reaction. We talked about my insecurities but it just hasn't helped. I know (hear/read) that size doesn't matter much but the few women talk shows I've seen say differently. And I can't speak for my fWW, but she usually finishes and seems to enjoy it (even before the affair, but then we were not communicating very well then. She might have been faking). Then, she had the affair anyway.

I am going back to my IC soon, if it's still bothering me, we'll discuss it.

[This message edited by SecondHelping at 11:49 AM, November 30th (Saturday)]

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