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I shouldn't write her back, right?

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PhantomLimb posted 11/29/2013 19:35 PM

My XWS and I went NC once I figured out he had taken his A underground. We never spoke again.

On our wedding anniversary, a different coworker called me asking me why we really broke up and told me what he was telling people at his job (all lies).

I confirmed to her that he was having an A. She confirmed it was still going on and, in fact, XWS and COW had run off on a weekend getaway on our anniversary. I told her I realized that I didn't want to talk about this, and hung up.

She continued to text, call, make FB friend requests that whole weekend. You guys warned me that she was a potential or actual another OW and not to respond. I didn't.

On Thanksgiving, she texted me again out of the blue to tell me she's thinking of me. I didn't respond.

I don't get it. I'm not speaking to XWS. It's done. I've moved on. I've sent this woman the hint that I don't want to discuss this.

Is she just being really nice? Have I read her wrong?

Or does she just have terrible boundaries? Why would I want to be reminded about his A, our D and this whole shitty situation on a day when his loss is really acute? Is she nuts?

Part of me wants to write her back and tell her to wake up-- I don't want to hear from her anymore. Or are crickets still the best?

Also, this past weekend, I heard rumblings from colleagues who are still friends with him on FB that he's been posting pics of himself with a baby. They asked me if it was his. I walked away from them and they apologized for being rude drunkards and we dropped it. COW had a 2 year old-- but that's not a baby. The timeline is a little iffy, but would work. Maybe that's why she's contacting me again. Maybe she feels bad for me if she thinks I know about the OC. Who knows...

Thoughts?

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 7:37 PM, November 29th (Friday)]

Williesmom posted 11/29/2013 19:58 PM

You probably shouldn't respond, but I would flat out ask her what her reason is. Just to see how she responds.

movingforward13 posted 11/29/2013 20:09 PM

Leave the drama llama alone and get that negativity OUT of your life. Her shit keeps you connected to him.

NewMom0220 posted 11/29/2013 21:36 PM

I wouldn't go there. Whatever you write will invite a response. Any response can be filled with unsolicited information that could potentially set you back from your hard earned work on moving forward. Don't go backward. Only forward.

Only crickets and more crickets will send the message that you aren't interested in anything she has to say. And no, she's not just being nice.

She makes me mad. Whoever she is, she has no shame.

Nature_Girl posted 11/29/2013 21:55 PM

I would write her back and let her know that you divorced him. You do not wish to know anything more about him, it does not concern you unless he's made a death threat against you. Otherwise, you need to not be reminded of him because you're moving on with your life. Please don't contact you again.

lifestoshort posted 11/29/2013 22:28 PM

i know people who are completely clueless. dealing with an old HS friend now and I tell her over and over but she keeps doing it. grr.

I would probably make one last attempt to directly state, enough already. stop messaging me about all this. its not your business and I certainly dont want to talk about it to him let alone you. then block all email, etc

persevere posted 11/30/2013 03:01 AM

I would also recommend the upfront approach - if she has nothing new to add to what you know, it simply doesn't matter.

Rainbows posted 11/30/2013 03:52 AM

I think it's weird she's contacting you again and wouldn't respond. Don't feed into it, whatever it is. Why open that door?

It almost feels like she's looking for ego kibbles from you. Kinda makes me wonder if she was an OW and is trying to have camaraderie with you over being betrayed.

IMO it's perfectly ok not to respond at all. Let this one slip through the cracks.

Thefly559 posted 11/30/2013 06:14 AM

Crickets only. It's the best thing.

Lostandpregnant posted 11/30/2013 07:24 AM

I would put money on her being another OW.
All the markers are there. Block her, and don't feed her.

sparkysable posted 11/30/2013 07:24 AM

I'd be tempted to ask her what her interest is in this.

Her audacity is shocking. A normal co-worker would not act this way.

She is either the OW, or a former OW. I'm convinced.

osxgirl posted 11/30/2013 09:13 AM

At first, I was going to agree with the "tell her one more time" opinion....

But then I thought about it. No matter how clueless she is, you sent a clear message previously by not responding multiple times.

Bottom line - she's fishing. If she isn't an OW/former-OW/wanna-be OW of your X, then she's the gossip queen who wants to be able to provide some little nugget that no one else knows.

ANY response you give her will feed into that. Even just a "don't contact me anymore" will give her the idea that all this bothers you, and will feed whatever drama she is trying to fuel.

I see this because I lived it. My X wanted to be friends, he wanted... well, doesn't matter what he wanted, because I just wanted to be left alone. Especially since every time he contacted me, it would start out really nice, and then he would find some way of saying something that was a passive aggressive dig at me - more emotional abuse. He was good at being very subtle with it, in a way that to most people looked like he was being "nice". Honestly, I think he even saw it as he was being nice and I was just too sensitive and took everything the wrong way.

I finally realized that his intentions didn't matter - just what it did to me. And that I needed to stop him from contacting me.

And unfortunately, the only way to do that was to completely ignore him. No matter what he said, I just ignored. ANY acknowledgement of his existence started up things with him all over again, and reset the clock for how long it took for him to give up again.

So... give her nothing. I mean nothing at all. What you do depends on how persistent she is and if/how much it bothers you.

I went so far as changing both my home and cell phone numbers. I set up an e-mail filter so anything from him was treated as spam. If he went and got a new e-mail address, I added the new one to the spam filter. No FB yet at the time, but once I was on FB, I blocked him. With twitter I just had to ignore - and he had a girlfriend follow me and post crap too. Sigh. The few times he showed up at my church, I was fortunately either not there, or the one time, I was late & had to go straight to the keyboard up front because service was starting & was with now-DH (at the time, fiancé). Evidently, he decided to leave early.... A friend told me about it after the fact.

But as time went on, as long as I didn't respond the contact attempts became fewer and further between. It's now been at least 3 or 4 years since he has tried.

It's unfortunate, but with some people, the only way to stop it is to never, ever, EVER respond. No matter how frustrating it can be.

Check with your cell carrier - is there any way you can block texts/call from a certain number? I would block everything you possibly can - change #s if that isn't too much of a hardship for you. And just keep ignoring. As long as you don't feed it, it will eventually give up and move on.

PhantomLimb posted 11/30/2013 09:57 AM


It almost feels like she's looking for ego kibbles from you. Kinda makes me wonder if she was an OW and is trying to have camaraderie with you over being betrayed.

What's interesting about this is that on our anniversary she complained to me that she had been texting him and he wasn't answering and she thought it was because he was with "her" and that she "rubs me the wrong way." That's when I realized her motives were off and hung up.

When I met XWS, he was just out of a broken engagement (he broke it off) and had moved to a new city (mine). He was seeing the first girl he met at an orientation. He met me and stated to pursue me in front of her. I told him he had to break up with her before he could even talk to me about dating. He did. I made him wait another 3 months before I'd date him. Later on I would find out that when he thought it wasn't going to work with me, he started giving out his number to the check out girl at the local supermarket. It became a joke-- but it shows how codependent he is.

When he got his new job last year, he went on an orientation trip and left me home, even though I asked to go. He went with a coworker, a woman, single, our age-- a friend of his. Found out later they shared a cabin on that trip. When I confronted him about it, he said the job had booked it that way and he didn't tell me because he thought I'd be upset.

She never talked to him again after that trip and requested he be moved. Hmmmmm. Wonder what happened there.

After that two more women in the office either quit or told the boss they didn't want to work with him.

He ended up having the A with a divorcee. She wasn't very good looking and had a young child. This woman who keeps contacting me is also not attractive, older.... Gives the vibe of being pretty desperate.

I can't help but wonder if this is a thing for him. He comes from a broken family-- and not to blame his FOO issues-- but he always had some of the characteristics of an orphan: can't complete things, insecure, again, codependent.

We were pretty happy and in love when we were in one spot for a decade. He never cheated. We were so close. But he moved jobs, locations and became that same guy I met years ago again: desperately seeking companionship at any cost, didn't matter who it was.

So she may want to commiserate. But that's not me. I gave him 3 weeks. When he didn't man up, I was out of there. I wish to god he didn't end up being this guy-- but he is. I wasn't going to be treated that way.

So I'm thinking crickets.

Last night, I almost asked a close girlfriend to look at his page and tell me what's going on with this baby situation. But then I decided not to. I'm just going to assume they had a baby for now so I'm not surprised when another drunken mess tells me at a cocktail party. Serves him right, if it's true. He told me in our last conversation that he wanted to be "free and liberated." All I ever asked of him was companionship and I was okay with his not wanting children until our careers were established. Even our finances were separate. I hope she locked him down. How's that free and liberated feeling now?

Skan posted 11/30/2013 15:08 PM

The only communication I would have further would be "Leave me the hell alone." Then crickets.

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