I am 28, my husband will be 31 this year. We have been married for 9 years, 10 years in February. We have 4 children together between the ages of 8 and 11 weeks. I am at home on leave from having our youngest right now and will return to work on the 12th of December. This is causing me a lot more anxiety so I figured I'd look for some support.
Here is the story.
On October 17, 2013 I found out that my husband had slept with and received oral sex from a girl he worked with and still works with. He was talking to her friend on Facebook and he even said things that were flirty with this friend. He made insinuations about doing things with her and then said that they couldn't because she was friends with the other girl. I found out because he left his tablet here and it kept going off. When I pulled it up I saw the messaging they were doing back and forth. I waited until he got home and before he got into the house and I sent a message asking what she knew about the incident which is when she said that he had had sex and received oral sex from the girl at work. He had deleted the messaged before coming into the house.
When I asked him about it when he got home, before the girl had messaged back, he completely lied to my face saying that he knew I was reading his messages which is why he said those things. So when she messaged back with him right in front of me I asked him about that and he said that he had lied. I was so upset I was shaking and could not hold the baby.
He admitted that the incident happened right before she started working there and that he had received oral sex 3 times and had sex with her 1 time. He maintains that he used protection. Like an idiot a couple of years ago I had an std that I thought maybe was one that was received another way. I was not sure if we got it from my iud coming out and it being contaminated or something else. Now I wonder if maybe this is where it came from. The std was Trich so it was easily cured.
We have sat up many many nights since that time and talked and talked. We talked about a lot of things and I have asked a lot about any past issues. I know that around our 3 year marriage mark he had a woman that came over and he states that he had attempted to get oral sex and anal sex from her but that I had arrived back at home early and I caught them as she was leaving.
I will not admit to be perfect as without our first 2 years of marriage I did have one incident when I cheated on him with my ex. He was my first love and that is no excuse and I felt horribly guilty. We moved past those two incidents.
We have had a lot of issues with him creating profiles on hook up sites and I have been very irritated by this and when he gets cause he cancels them for awhile. I had finally gotten to a point where I was trusting him and was not looking through his phone and when he said that he had to work late I believed him as he works at a convenience store so it happens.
I feel like an idiot believing what he said. There were only a couple of times according to him that he said that he had to work late that he met this girl after work. He did things with her at work and while he was actually on the clock since he was working over night.
I have asked if there was more and he keeps saying no so finally I dropped it so it didn't cause more issues. I still think there might have been more, but I don't think he will ever say anything and I am trying to believe that this was it. He asked the night I found out if he needed to come back home or if I was going to kick him out. I thought about it a lot and told him that if he wanted to return to the house he could because I knew that if I told him not to return then that was it and I wasn't sure I was ready to call it quits.
Yes, I was hurt, but I couldn't imagine just saying that I was through if I knew that he still wanted to try. We have 4 children together and I do love him. He has told me that he wasn't ready to get married when we did and I understand that because he was very immature. I have an old soul so I knew I was ready to be married and have a family. He says that after a couple of years he felt like he really did not want to be married. He felt like that up until earlier this year. He said that what changed is that he is 30, he sees his single friends and family really wanting to settle down, he understands what he would be losing, and he has been trying to make a change.
I told him that we needed counseling so we have had 2 sessions so far. This is helping I believe and we have been talking and honest about everything.
Here are my issues.
He still works with this girl. He was working mornings and she was working afternoons, but since this has come out things have happened at work and now he is working the same shift with her. He has told his boss, but she doesn't have anyone else to work the shift with her. This drives me insane. I have messaged her and told her my feelings, she apologized and apparently cried the rest of that day. I told my husband that I do not want him talking to her unless it is work related. So far they both have followed this so they say.
I can't stop looking for more. As I mentioned, I feel like there may be more because there have been many unhappy times, but I don't want there to be more. I want to believe that this is it so I don't know why I keep looking for more. I also know that I am sure he isn't dumb enough to do anything else right now and that he would be even better at hiding his tracks.
I love my husband and I want to be able to just let this all go and not think about it. We have been able to reconnect sexually and emotionally so it has been wonderful, WHEN WE ARE TOGETHER. When we aren't together then that is when I start having thoughts that maybe there is more or maybe there is something else hidden somewhere. Then I start snooping. I don't want to focus on this, I want to just move past it.
I have become so stressed and anxious that it is now affecting my milk supply. I have ALWAYS had an over supply which means that I could pump an extra 20 oz a day. Now I am lucky to get 10 and sometimes I feel like the baby is not happy. I am working on increasing this supply, but that involves figuring out a way to stop the stress and anxiety. I know I am exhausted and not staying hydrated like I need to. I am also having to make myself eat because I know I need to.
I am going back to work in about 13 days. This means that I will be working m-f 8-5. My husband is working either 2p-12a or 4p-12a with either 2 or 3 days off, never regular days. He usually gets at least Wed and Thur off so he does not have to work with that girl very often since she is off Mon and Tues. This means that we will not be able to see each other as much. I have been staying up late to see him when he gets home so we can have some us time. Of course the next day I am exhausted.
Since we have talked and are working toward the future and moving out of the past we have decided that we would really like to have our vows renewed for our 10 year anniversary. This would allow us to have a fresh start with vows that have not been tainted. We are hoping to do a ceremony with just the 2 of us at church and then have a party with friends and family to ask them to support us in our new relationship. I enjoy the thought of this fresh start, but I want us to be able to make it to that point.
I want to be able to get past this. I know it hasn't been very long, just over a month, but I am needing some advice and support. My main questions are how do I stop snooping or when does it stop? How do I stop stressing over all these thoughts that there is more that I don't know or that will come out later? How do I stop obsessing over these negative what-if thoughts about him doing something again? I really need some help so I can get back to me and stop being so stressed out and learn how to live with this and move past it.
I want to thank everyone for their help and my heart goes out for everyone that is here.
Whoa there! You are pushing yourself too fast !!!!! Pace yourself for the long haul..A severe trauma, physical/ emotional( which includes betrayal by a loved one) often times take YEARS to heal from and recover... Don't expect to move past this mess so quickly... Maybe the stress will be a little tiny bit less on you once you realize that you can take your time..
Your husband is just gonna have to realize that it may be a very long time, if ever, before you begin to act like your old self towards him...
I may be wrong ( it isn't the first time, lol ), but it seems as if you are thinking of stuffing your WH's skeletons in the closet( rug sweeping) in the interests of moving past his A...If you do anything that even faintly resembles rug sweeping, you will come to resent your marriage..
There is no new relationship for your family and friends to support until you and your WH have put in the time and the work it takes to rebuild from the rubble that your WH left in his wake .....
[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:25 PM, November 29th (Friday)]
You cannot get through this in a month. The time to rebuild a marriage is 2-5 years following infidelity. If you both do the work. I say both because you have also had an affair and I don't see you mention doing the work to get past that. You both need to examine within your selves what allowed you to cheat on the other. Not what was wrong with the marriage, or whether it was your first love or whatever. But why each of you chooses to cheat and hurt each other rather than choose to have a healthy monogamous marriage.
Please get STD testing before you have sex with him again. He's already given you one STD in the past. You're recovering from childbirth and need to know what you are healthy.
Gently, cancelling a profile on a hookup site is not remorse. It just means he's lying low until you relax. It doesn't sound like he's trying to change his behavior at all. He's just trying to placate you for the time being. He will keep doing this until something really changes.
And yes, do slow down. Renewing your vows isn't going to change anything. It's waaayyyyy to early for something like that. Until he changes, there is no point in repeating the vows that he has not honored in the past. Wait until there is real change. Don't put a bandaid over his cheating. If you do that he will never change because he doesn't have to.
Please read around this site and learn. There's a better way to heal than rugsweeping. Everyone's story is their own but you will learn that there are common patterns and behaviors in cheaters (WSs) and betrayed spouses (BSs) both.
I know this is painful but the only way to really get results is to go through it. Both of you. If he will not do the work to change, what are you going to do?
Try to remember to eat, drink and sleep when you can. This is brutal but even more so with little ones and a new baby.
Good luck.
[This message edited by sudra at 5:36 AM, November 30th (Saturday)]
From what you've written, you've had "a lot of issues" throughout your marriage with him skulking around on the dating/hookup sites, and having inappropriate contact with women, and cheating on you several times (that you know of).
Your husband simply doesn't seem remorseful at all. You can't rebuild when someone has absolutely zero remorse for the pain and heartache they've caused.
Renewing your vows is not going to magically make him stop opening new profiles on sex hookup sites (until you catch him and the cycle of him apologizing and cancelling his profiles repeats itself once more).
It just seems as though he's making all these promises of a bright future simply to appease you but he isn't really addressing the bad behavior he's displayed over and over and over and over throughout your marriage.
It sounds like YOU'RE the only one whose trying to make an effort here to rebuild. You're wearing yourself out with a new baby, very soon back going back to a full time job, and trying to exist on very little sleep just so you can be awake when he comes home from work so you can have some face time.
What's HE doing? I mean, besides promising to turn over a new leaf and stop all the cheating and creeping on the hookup sites, what's he actually DOING to work on this marriage?
How about he finds a job with normal hours so you don't have to be killing yourself on no sleep just to be awake when he comes home? Shouldn't HE be trying to make some effort here, and not just you? Is the graveyard shift the only job on earth that he can peform? Especially a job where the sewer rat that gave him blowjobs also makes an occasional appearance on his shift? That ALONE is reason enough for him to start pounding the pavement and finding a more suitable job with normal hours. Has he even thought of doing this?
I just think that HE needs to step up the effort and start doing some of the heavy lifting, because it would appear the the only one doing the hard work is you.
Sweeping all his disgusting behavior under the rug is not fixing it.
And lastly TexasMama, the reason you're compelled to dig deeper is that somewhere inside, you know he's still lying and there's still a lot more you don't know. That's why you feel so compelled to keep digging.
Don't ignore you gut when it's screaming at you.
I do wish you some peace of mind and heart and I hope you're able to get to a better place.
I was you 28 years ago...I was married 7 years at the time..I was 29 years old with a new baby when the first D day hit me..
I rug swept in the interests of moving on past WH's A... I didn't want to split our little family up.. I had no parents or extended family close by..
Fast forward the 28 years and WHAM D-Day# 2! For all I know WH never stopped cheating,I think he was just very clever at going underground..My second D-day involved my 20 year old son finding a browser open on our living room computer..WH had created a profile on a dating site..I noted that he had been trolling from this site almost daily..I did some sleuthing and found even more dating sites that WH was a member of..We went into counseling..False R of 3 years..I eventually found out that he never stopped trolling Craig's List looking for NSA(no strings attached) sex..
Now we are living in an in house separation because WH is unemployed and I am living as a retiree for the moment( off of my pension) until my health gets better..No possibility for me to work on R because I have lost all respect and love for WH..Even if he changed and became remorseful, this situation that I am is is a deal breaker for me...
Mr Scumbag has no pension or savings and will go after 1/2 of my pension and savings when I file for D..I cannot support myself off of my 1/2 pension without picking up a job..So I am laying low (haven't filed) until my health gets better...
I am also trying to work out a good strategy to extricate myself from this marriage without becoming destitute financially..
I don't want you to be facing D in your retirement years because of rug sweeping that delayed the inevitable...
((((Hugs))))
[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:29 AM, November 30th (Saturday)]
I also don't want anyone to think that he is not remorseful. He is not trying to pretend this did not happen. Any and all questions I have had have been answered. He hasn't ignored my questions and I feel that he has been completely honest. My WS has told me that he accepts full responsibility for the situation. He admits that he was not happy being married at the time because he had a lot of single friends and they were getting things they wanted and when the opportunity presented itself he justified it in his mind that since he didn't want to bug me to do the oral sex he would just get it from her. I believe when he says it ended because the OW ended up sleeping with his brother several times. My WS has cried with me while talking about his feelings and my feelings. He has never been an emotional person and has not ever really talked about his feelings. He is making a change and I realize that. He has given me the passwords for his Facebook and email. He also told me that if I wanted to install software on his phone and be the only one with the password he would support me.
As far as the job goes he has told me repeatedly that he will find another job. He told his boss what happened with the girl and why he did not want to work with her so she tries to limit their work time together. The issue here is that he is up for a promotion. So this means that if he changes jobs he will have to start over. He says he doesn't mind, but I don't want him to lose that opportunity. He hasn't had this schedule for very long. He put in a request to change to a different store, but his boss told him they could not allow him to change at this time due to not having enough people and not wanting to lose him. She says that she would rather lose the OW than him, but she hasn't gone anywhere either. The other issue is that if (when) he gets the promotion his schedule will be at least two days of 2-12 and then on the weekends he may be able to work mornings. He says this will not change no matter what store he works at because that is how they work the managers in training and assistant managers. I know he likes the type of work he does and I don't want to make him miserable in a job and cause more issues, but he continues to tell me that he doesn't care. He will work whatever job will give him better hours so he can spend more time with me and the kids. He is planning to put in some applications at another company and ask for morning hours so we won't have to worry about conflicting schedules. He is waiting until his boss gets back from her vacation before he puts in his applications because of Christmas coming up and not wanting to lose any pay during that time. If his boss won't adjust his schedule he wants to leave.
We worked very hard and talked a lot after both of the other incidents came out. Those incidents have been discussed to death and now we are working on discussing this one. I can't say that we did not rugsweep the others before this one, but I have learned my lesson on that. I have been tested for STD's recently as I was tested during pregnancy since it is standard. I will also be tested again next month at my yearly.
The profiles I would be much more concerned about, but the ones that I have found from Google searching are ones that he has not been on since between 2009-2011. The one that was recent he cancelled that one around the beginning of this year or the end of last year. I remember when he cancelled this one and it has not been recreated as I checked a few times. He has admitted that the reason he started these was because he wanted attention and that he understands that it was wrong and he would be upset if I did something like that. He has been working on better understanding my feelings towards things and being supportive of me. I know that we do not think the same way, but we are both working on understanding the thought process of the other person.
I was the one that brought up renewing our vows because of something our therapist said. He asked what was going to keep up from making the same mistakes again since our marital vows that we took before God had already been violated. Renewing our vows isn't just to say "yay, now we are one big happy family and everything is perfect again" it is more so to say "alright, we have a new contract in place saying that we both agree to continue to work on these issues and make our marriage stronger".
As far as digging deeper I know that I have some feelings that there may be more, I am not dead set there is. Looking at time frames and things that happened I can't say there was. After talking to him and adding everything up I can come to realize that there probably isn't more than him flirting with people and the online profiles. He admitted to going to a couple of strip clubs.
I know that he is making a change because I can see it in him. I know it is too early to tell if that change is going to help us in the end, but I at least know he is trying. If he runs late from work he calls me to let me know and will talk to me until he gets home. He calls me throughout his shift and talks to me. He avoids talking to her unless it is something work related.
Really I'm just mostly worried about when I go back to work and making sure that I am not doing more harm to myself from this. I do not know what else I can ask him to do that he is not already doing or offered to do. And oddly enough in all of his profiles and all the people he has ever talked to he has never lied about being married or said that we were split up. He has talked about us having issues and not being happy sexually, but he has never once said that he was going to leave his wife. I know it just means that he was basically not in it for a long term affair, but he wanted instant gratification from someone. I am hopeful we can work this out, I just want it to be easier (which of course I understand it is not and will not be).
