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I'm kind of all over the place tonight...asking questions in the divorce forum and here...I just need to know all sides of the story. I would like to reconcile with WS but long story short, he's got a lot of personal issues that he needs to deal with before we can start on us. My therapist says he's not ready and I'm okay with that for now. But how did you start? How did you know when the time was right? How did you find the right therapist or program?

I think your H starts with IC and starts to work on his issues. With that is full transparency on his part (obviously). IC for you is if you feel you need it, to deal with the crap that this process brings.

As he goes along, you watch his actions (his words are nothing at this point), and work on healing yourself, and at some point (it's different for everybody), you decide if R is what you want.

Don't pressure yourself to label it, just let the process happen.

As far as finding IC/MC, make some phone calls, see if they have experience dealing with infidelity, get a feel for the practitioners. Maybe your current IC can recommend somebody for MC when the time is right.

He starts by making the realization that he does have issues, but also trusts you enough to be there with him while he is working through those issues. Then, like AN says, work on healing yourself.