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cantaccept posted 11/30/2013 05:51 AM

I have been thinking and reading about compassion.
Why it is so very important to communicate with compassion.

Just trying to clarify in my own mind why it is important for both and the downfall when it is missing from either.

Example: watching a movie together

Sex scene comes on, I trigger hard, visions that I don't want, thoughts coming so fast, thoughts that I don't want, emotions that I don't want, resentment that if you hadn't then I wouldn't be like this.

Trigger is what it is, working on controlling them but sometimes they happen too fast. I twitched several times. Became silent for a bit and then cried a little.

Possible action for me: I could lash out, show my anger or withdraw

I could express my emotions, show my vulnerability and express concern for how it makes him feel to see my reaction

This is what I control, my reaction. This determines how I feel about myself and if I am honoring my true self.

His possible reactions: become impatient, irritated that I ruined the movie

Compassion. Express empathy that I have to feel this. Give comfort.

This is what he can control. His reactions. This will determine how he now feels about himself. This is really about how he views himself.

The choice is ours. I think it is obvious how the combination of reactions would result.

I am trying to act with compassion because I believe that is being true to myself. That is who I want to be.

I do not have to react to the lack of compassion because that is only me causing myself more pain. I have to live with me. My actions are the only ones that I can control. j

Just needed to get this out.

Thanks.

authenticnow posted 11/30/2013 05:55 AM

Great point. I truly believe compassion on both sides is key for R. The reason your R didn't work is because your WH is severely lacking in that department. That's on him.

For you, compassion for yourself now is so important. That is what you can control, and you deserve it.