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What did you do when you confronted?..

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Lex71 posted 11/30/2013 09:21 AM

I'm much closer to confronting now. I'm expecting the whole 'woe is me','I love you but not in love with you',' I didn't mean it to happen','it's your fault because......'

Did you move to a spare room straight away or do something else? How did you react after initial discussion?

I could confront face to face but not sure it will be an adult conversation. My IC suggested writing a letter but I'm not sure about that either. I think I will speak, have one night in the house and the next night will be away and I'll have to see how things are on return. Knowing what I know, I suspect she will gas-light and generally lie about everything.

Actually I'd really love just to send an email to all her hidden/secret email accounts that I know about - all at the same time with some clear message 'I know about your affair you lying, cheating, self centred, selfish and inconsiderate ..............' I suspect that wouldn't help, but it would be a bit of fun for her to realise she was truly busted!

Skan posted 11/30/2013 10:58 AM

You can read my full confrontation in my profile, but essentially I blindsided him by dropping a photo of one of the whores he was talking to on his lap, quoted something that one of his cam girls had said to him, and then told him that he had give it all up or don't let the door hit him on the ass on the way out. He weaseled a bit, I dropped a couple more photos, copies of emails on him, and eventually gave me even more than I had found. Neither of us left the house.

However, given the fact that you are not married and this is your 3rd time around, I would copy everything that you can, get to a lawyer RIGHT NOW, find out what your options are for keeping the children, and then file for custody, sole use of the house, and child support. Scorched earth. Then crickets to her except for child care arrangements.

IMO, this is not someone that you want to waste any more time on. Your goal should be to secure your rights to your children and stay as far away from her as possible.

I'm so sorry. So very sorry.

nobodytotalkto posted 11/30/2013 11:06 AM

Skan, I don't have the proof you do. My story is also in my profile. How do I confront him without the solid proof?

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/30/2013 11:07 AM

Dont say a word. Go to a lawyer with all theevidence and destroy her. She is the enemy. Treat her as such.

brkn_heartd posted 11/30/2013 11:18 AM

Lex,
I got all of my things in order first. All my decisions had been made and I was ready to walk on. I sent an email to his secret account with a return receipt when he opened it. I thought off all I could write in it....but ultimately decided to keep simple so he didnt know what to expect. I simply wrote "We need to talk". No doubt he soiled himself when he read it.

He called me into the room to talk. At the point I told him I wanted a divorce. I was not going to be the other woman and I was through. I had the bills divided and and calculated. I also had very little love left for him at that point. Since I wasnt wishy washy he knew I was done. I really was and ready to move on without him.

He was going to leave but I told him he could have the upstairs guest room. We decided to to tell the family until after the holidays (adult children).

We have ultimately decided to R but it has been a very long road.

Skan posted 11/30/2013 14:49 PM

Here's the thing. Unless you live somewhere where being able to prove adultery actually means something legally, you don't have to have proof per se. If being able to prove adultery wont help you legally, then you knowing is quite enough. If having proof of her adultery would help you with custody, then mine those email accounts that she has for all they are worth. Bring forth any former proof you have. But first, talk to you lawyer and find out what the best tactic is for you.

Nature_Girl posted 11/30/2013 15:19 PM

After the first DDay confrontation (during which I presented some evidence that he denied existed, even while holding it in his hands), he went into total shutdown mode. No more talking to mean old me. So I crafted a set of boundaries of what I would no longer tolerate in the marriage, complete with what the consequences would be if the boundaries were broken. He got angrier. When he failed to follow through on his own with some of the ultimatums I gave him (get IC, get into a support group for sex addicts), I went to a divorce lawyer for a consultation & told him so. He got himself into IC and a group quickly after that, but got angrier at me. When he threatened suicide, I contacted his IC to let him know, plus told him I would call 911 if he didn't stop immediately. He stopped, but got angrier.

After the second DDay and I confronted, he denied there was any problem. He could not fathom why I would be upset to learn that one particular OW was a convicted heroin dealer. I told him to have his IC explain to him why that might be a problem to any reasonable human being, then left town for one night with the kids on an already planned in advance family outing. When he said he couldn't understand why I didn't want him to come along, I told him I could not trust him or my reactions around him because I was so angry at him. He couldn't understand why I was mad. I told him I knew he already had plans to blow us off for the family outing (which he did), he never intended to go in the first place, then ceased communicating with him for 24 hours (although I let the kids call him from our hotel room).

He was completely brutal in his abuse of me & the kids after that, but especially me. The third DDay was a relief because I knew it was over. There was no reconciling with someone like him.

The time between the first DDay and when I threw him out of the house was similar to in-house separation in that we avoided each other as much as possible & communicate as little as possible, despite my futile attempts to make MC happen. We'd stopped sleeping in the same bedroom years earlier due to his abuse, snoring & night terrors.

I recommend writing out a "talking points" bullet list for YOU to refer to when doing a confrontation. That way you'll be sure to cover what you intend, and if you go off list you can get yourself back on track.

Lex71 posted 11/30/2013 16:41 PM

Sian, nature, brkn thanks for replies. I'm trying to gear myself up for tomorrow afternoon or Monday. Fact is on Monday I know she has taken time off work to go see someone, 'just for coffee' the bloody cow so I may wait as she'll have to have her out of office email on and I can use that as my piece of evidence. I would hope that she will be truthful but I am not expecting much.

I think I'll move into the spare room. I'd like her to move but the bedroom is full, I mean really full, of her crap. Hundreds of pounds of markup, performs, clothes scattered and all sorts, it would be too much to try and even get her to move.

I've nearly said a few times cause I keep getting asked 'what's up' and I say nothing, I'm fine or I'm just tired or something. She knows I'm not happy, she is telling her AP's that it's a nightmare living in the house, well d'uh of course it is...I'm sure it's gonna get worse...

Nobodytotalkto.....I have proof but it's burning me up and doesn't make much difference. I had that gut feeling and like anyone else will tell you, that gut feeling is correct. I saw your post - I hope you're okay and have been able to put your WH in his place.


standinghere posted 11/30/2013 16:47 PM

My wife and I entered MC immediately. Our situation was very different than yours is though.

You are in a position of being exploited, if I understand your profile correctly, you need to begin to protect yourself immediately from the financial impacts.

On the IC side, you need to work at protecting yourself psychologically, from this, the past, and the future with others. It sounds like you may have a problem with attracting a certain kind of woman, and will need to learn how to protect yourself from your own actions. This can be very hard to do. We attract certain people, and are attracted to certain people, because of our own past experiences, and how we deal with those early relationships can be very important in protecting ourselves.

My IC suggested writing a letter

So, taking that all in perspective, and understanding from my own experience how devastating this is, honestly, I would work with that IC's direction. The IC probably has a better handle on what you SHOULD do, because they are emotionally detached from the situation.

brkn_heartd posted 11/30/2013 20:14 PM

Lex,
Have you thought about tracking her to her meeting? Send the email for your proof and find out where she is....talk about surprised. Walk in and sit down to say hi! Then you could un-invite her to come home. That would be a surprise.

I knew my H was at a hotel the day his EA when P. However, I didn't know which one in the small towns where we lived. I would have loved to have found his car there and left a note in it for him. Since I didn't know, I had to resort to his secret email.

Hang in there.

brkn_heartd posted 11/30/2013 20:15 PM

Lex,
Have you thought about tracking her to her meeting? Send the email for your proof and find out where she is....talk about surprised. Walk in and sit down to say hi! Then you could un-invite her to come home. That would be a surprise.

I knew my H was at a hotel the day his EA when P. However, I didn't know which one in the small towns where we lived. I would have loved to have found his car there and left a note in it for him. Since I didn't know, I had to resort to his secret email.

Hang in there.

womaninflux posted 11/30/2013 20:28 PM

I confronted, he denied. I got the "just a friend," "I think living in the suburbs is boring, I hate it here, but you should like it because you have the house you always wanted and its good for the kids." We started counseling, he continued to deny. I found more evidence, he finally admitted…but not everything. I have found out more info since then…it trickles out. I started sleeping in separate bedroom right away. Then tried to stay in same room. Then about 4 months after dd, at the suggestion of one of my friends, I had him move to the guest bedroom. Single best suggestion/advice I received. I think he finally "got it." I have boundaries, I am going to enforce I wasn't going to take more of his shit and it gave him a taste of what living on his own would be like.

Make sure you are prepared with solid evidence and be prepared for all sorts of "just a friend" and gas lighting. Don't believe it for a second. I ignored my gut way too long and that is how the affair took on a life of its own.

Lex71 posted 12/1/2013 04:28 AM

standing - yes you are right. My IC has talked about that I meet the wrong women. I'm trying to take time right now. Being honest I am not good at being 'alone' with myself and I'm worried that I will become depressed. Everyone at work says how confident I am but I'm not great at social things.

You're also right that I need to protect myself right now and I have taken some steps to do this. Thankfully no joint bank accounts/credit cards!


Brkn - it would be interesting to follow and do what you suggest. I don't have enough info to do this and following her on public transport would be tricky. I do dream of being there and doing 'surprise'. I'll settle for letter/email.

Womainflux - thanks for your advice. I want her to be truthful but suspect she wont be. I'll know she is lying and I'm going to do my best to stay strong, not believe it and just keep repeating to her that I know she is lying.

Lex71 posted 12/1/2013 04:42 AM

I'm going to send a letter by email. I'm so stressed and anxious. I'm feeling sick and had a headache. I'm trying to have a good weekend with the children but I do feel like crying and I haven't felt that for a few weeks.

I hope I do this all right. Right for my sake. I know you shouldn't reveal sources but I think she'll tell me such a story that I will need to disclose more of what I know to try and lift her fog. In some respects, with her saying that she 'knows I was a mistake after 6 months', 'doesn't find me attractive' and such like, I'm really questioning if there is any real R to be had....and I think I know the answer is 'no' but that doesn't make it easier.

If R isn't an option then revealing source doesn't really matter does it? If I am saying its a deal-breaker and already gone past that then I should not care what is happening. BUT given that we are likely to have to live in the same house for a while until it could be sold then perhaps I should still care/know....I guess its a boundary I need to think about.

I'm going to make mistakes doing all this. I have no idea what will happen. I'm rambling as sooo nervous now.

Nature_Girl posted 12/1/2013 04:58 AM

Don't reveal your sources.

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