It's no secret that one of the things I have been struggling with is getting to the point of indifference with my XAP....to let go of my anger towards him and the lies he had told about me and our A.
I am now trying to examine this more and think that part of my anger towards him is really just a projection of the anger towards myself onto him.
Because this is my A season, I have been thinking lately of my behavior during the A and how the things that I did/said were not things I would normally do.
The first and most obvious is the lying to and being so disrespectful to my poor BH....this is a man who has always loved me and worked hard to support us and our family....a man who is not perfect but tries so hard to make me happy....the amount of lies I told him and the things I did to him haunt me daily, and make me ashamed to realize I did those things.
I also think of my behaviors with the AP and am ashamed of how I acted. I was calculating and manipulative and said and did things just to get my way...with both my BH and my AP I was selfish and only concerned about myself.
This is why I think I am displacing my anger....by focusing on him and how angry I am blah blah blah I don't have to think about the real issue and realize how totally fucked up I was. Maybe I am trying to play the victim....