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Newest Member: Kapooie (46002)

User Topic: examining my anger..an aha moment
Alyssamd24
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's no secret that one of the things I have been struggling with is getting to the point of indifference with my XAP....to let go of my anger towards him and the lies he had told about me and our A.

I am now trying to examine this more and think that part of my anger towards him is really just a projection of the anger towards myself onto him.

Because this is my A season, I have been thinking lately of my behavior during the A and how the things that I did/said were not things I would normally do.

The first and most obvious is the lying to and being so disrespectful to my poor BH....this is a man who has always loved me and worked hard to support us and our family....a man who is not perfect but tries so hard to make me happy....the amount of lies I told him and the things I did to him haunt me daily, and make me ashamed to realize I did those things.

I also think of my behaviors with the AP and am ashamed of how I acted. I was calculating and manipulative and said and did things just to get my way...with both my BH and my AP I was selfish and only concerned about myself.

This is why I think I am displacing my anger....by focusing on him and how angry I am blah blah blah I don't have to think about the real issue and realize how totally fucked up I was. Maybe I am trying to play the victim....


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 938 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That makes a lot of sense, Alyssa. I did the same thing but I focused my anger on my BH, not so much the APs. I was angry. Angry because I thought our pre-A issues got me to where I cheated. When I realized I was only angry at myself because of the way I handled things, things started changing for the better!

Good insight .

ETA Sometimes it's easier to focus outward, because looking inward can be very scary.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:04 PM, November 30th (Saturday)]


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38923 | Registered: Sep 2007
GotMyLifeBck2013
♂ 40531
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has it crossed your mind yet that your ap is a homewrecking pig? Or do you still think of him in somewhat human terms? Im convinced no wayward ever truly understands the hurt of the betrayed until they stop the sick fantasy of the romantic paramour. You had love. So maybe your anger is the realization that you ruined what you truly wanted all along and actually had.

That, my friend is textbook self destruction.


I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013


Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
Deeply Scared
♀ 2
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 6:25 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GotMyLifeBck2013...

You have a PM.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 199149 | Registered: May 2002
20WrongsVs1
♀ 39000
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Projection of anger is what got a lot of us into trouble, IMO. I've been walking around with suppressed rage my entire life. Projecting it onto damn near everyone.

Keep peeling back the onion, Alyssa!


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1259 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Topic Posts: 5

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