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planning for failure

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MairISaoirse posted 11/30/2013 14:10 PM

Hey everyone. kind of need someone to talk to about this.

Long story short, I was abroad for two months over the summer and had a ONS with someone, cheating on my boyfriend at home. Though it was a one time thing, and I never saw the man again, we kept in contact for the duration of my time abroad, I guess you could say we had an EA. I never told my boyfriend about it. That was the end of it, until I found the OM on twitter. nothing really happened, most of it was innocent chit chat, with the exception of him making a few suggestive comments about my new picture. Still didn't tell my BBF. Then I wished the OM a happy birthday, he messaged me back and we had a very inappropriate conversation on twitter, which my BBF had discovered, therefore discovering all of my indiscretions.

Major wake up call, I don't want to be that person anymore. Which is why I'm here, wanting to change.

I want to try to fix things; he still loves me and cares about me and WANTS to forgive me, but he is wary and doesn't trust me. I get that 100%. I said I would wait for him to decide. I thought that meant proving to him that I wanted to change, setting certain boundaries, and making a few rules, and above all, talk to each other and communicate.

Well, he has a different plan. He wont decide where he wants this to go until he "doesn't need me anymore" so that he can make a clear decision. I couldn't help but take this as hes waiting until he doesn't love me anymore, to decide what he wants to do, and that just screams failure to me. and in this waiting time, I am to be completely celibate (obviously), if a man hits on me or flirts with me, I am to remove myself from the situation (understandable), and I am not allowed to consume alcohol without my BF present (a little extreme, but understandable as well). everything that falls outside those rules, I am to make a judgement call, and if i choose wrong, all bets are off. Oh, and there is limited contact between me and boyfriend. no spending the night, no hanging out, no talking, and a text once in a while. (at this point, i'm a little relieved, because he has become very mean, though i dont blame him).

I'm totally OK with the rules, but the limited contact really bothers me. I feel that actions build trust, and communication builds trust, but waiting around to a time where he no longer "needs" me, and waiting around to see if I mess up, just seams like i'm defeated from the start. It has made me double think everything I do, everything i say, but I just dont see this going well

Side note- he wasn't completely innocent while I was away; he got in contact with his ex (big NO-NO), and then hung out with her (HUGE NO-NO), and then there was a drunk naked girl in his bed that tried to seduce him. I didn't learn about any of this until after he had confronted me about my sins. How am I supposed to handle this?

authenticnow posted 11/30/2013 14:57 PM

Hi and welcome to SI.

It sounds like there are trust issues on both sides. His behavior while you were away was completely inappropriate, but you already know that.

How long have you been with him? You are so young and the relationship sounds so shaky. Was it ever a solid relationship?

In the meantime, you say you don't want to be that person and you are working on you. That's good! What (besides following your boyfriend's rules) are you doing to learn why you cheated, and how you can be a trustworthy, honest person in the future? You need to do this for you, so no matter how it works out with bf you will be a healthier person with better relationship tools.

Are you in IC?

I'm curious, is your boyfriend adhering to the rules he has set for you?

floridaredman posted 11/30/2013 15:10 PM

That was the end of it, until I found the OM on twitter

Were you actively searching for him?

That would show intent to continue your affair if you were.

I think you both need to consider if you really want this relationship. Both of your behaviors are not what one would consider monogamous and true to one another.
You are both so young, but youth has nothing to do with wanting to have a committed and monogamous relationship if you both are on the same page.

Like AN have to get to the root of why you thought it was ok to have a ONS while in a relationship. Your boyfriend must also consider his actions as to putting himself in a compromising position while you were away. Both of you have made some very immature decisions.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 3:10 PM, November 30th (Saturday)]

MairISaoirse posted 11/30/2013 16:13 PM

AN- the thing that most upset me was talking with his ex, which he knows I have a problem with, and we've had just a simple "no ex" policy since the beginning. As for the naked girl, he says that nothing happened, he rejected her and he hasn't talked to her since, and I believe him.

we've been together for two years, and up until this past summer, we've had a great relationship. he has had trust issues from the start, but i've never had any reason not to trust him. since we got together, we've been basically inseparable with the exception of when we have to go home on school breaks (we live 5 hours apart). this summer, we began fighting alot, over everything, and i had a lot of pressure on me to break up with him anyway from friends and family. After the A and I returned home, things were better than ever, though I felt terrible about what I did, i kept thinking "what he doesn't know doesn't hurt him". and then he found out.

to work on myself, i've joined this page and another online cheating support group, I've bought books and have started reading one, and I'm going to start attending church again. I double check myself constantly, making myself more conscious of that i say and do. Should my BBF decide he wants to R, I'm giving him all of the passwords to everything, instilling a "brutally honest" policy. I do need to do this for myself, because even if it doesnt work out with BBF, I do not want to ever do this to someone else again.

I am not currently in IC, though i am considering it. I have a slight aversion of it though, because I hated going as a kid when my parents split.

I have no idea what he is doing, he said "I'm doing what I want, just like you did". I know thats his hurt and anger talking, but I have no reason to believe he would go out and be with other women (he says he can't even think of it at this point).

FRM- You are right, I did search for him, though I didn't see it as looking to continue at the time. I sorely wish I hadn't.

He is still deciding on whether he wants to R, I've decided I do want this.

authenticnow posted 11/30/2013 16:20 PM

It sounds like you are doing all the right things. I wish you luck. Keep posting, we are here for you and we understand.

floridaredman posted 11/30/2013 17:35 PM

FRM- You are right, I did search for him, though I didn't see it as looking to continue at the time

One of the first things to know about healing from this is being honest about what your intentions were/are.

I have been in your shoes..I searched for my former affair partner to get a "fix". And to keep those warm fuzzy feelings going. This is a man you were intimate with and that adds a new dynamic.
If you were searching for him..what were you looking for? Because ultimately you would have went from ONS to EA to full on affair by keeping contact.

How long do you think this would have continued if your BF didn't find out?

Were you going to end contact at any point had your BF not found out?

Those are questions you need to answer truthfully to yourself.

MairISaoirse posted 11/30/2013 21:34 PM

FRM I dont think it would have gone onto a full on affair, he lives half the world away, and I for one wouldn't justify paying that plane fare to continue this, even as it was happening.

thats what it really was, just to get a fix. The OM would compliment me, make me feel intelligent, interesting and beautiful. More or less, I just went fishing for some attention

I think it would have faded off after a while. Once I was back to real life i hardly ever thought about him, other than when I would see him post on twitter (which i have since deactivated mine)

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