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He Didn't Show for 1st Visitation with DS

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NewMom0220 posted 11/30/2013 16:21 PM

Here is my post from earlier this week describing my anxiety about a STBX's first visit with DS (9months) since I moved 2 months ago:

Hope this isn't too long but this is how it went:

Him (Tues 11/26):I would like to see DS Saturday.

Me (Wed 11/27): Please let me know what time we can expect you on Saturday.

Him (Fri 11/29): I'm leaving here around 10:00 am. I should be there around 1:00. I am planning to get a hotel room so I can see him Saturday and Sunday.

Him (Sat 11/30 11:58pm) Newmom0220, I am on the way I should be there sometime between 2 o'clock and 3 o'clock.

Him (Sat 11/30 1:15pm) I don't know if you're receiving my emails or not because you do not respond... But I am probably not going to make it today I just broke down on the turnpike.

Me (Sat 11/30 1:21pm): I am getting your emails. I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sure you were looking forward to seeing DS and he would have loved to see you. Let me know if you get it working and still want to come this weekend or let me know if you would like to reschedule.

Me (Sat 11/30 1:40pm): I am writing this email to confirm that you had visitation with DS scheduled for today and tomorrow (11/30/13-12/1/13) but that you were not able to make it due to car trouble. I called you at 1:40pm to offer any assistance in getting here as you stated you were broken down on the turnpike and you declined. You said you were not going to make it. Please let me know when you would like to reschedule visitation with DS.

Him (Sat 11/30 2:06pm): I am coming to see DS next weekend. I broke down just south of the [his town] on the turnpike. In fact, I am still sitting on the side of the road waiting on a tow truck. There is nothing you could have done for me. It is too far for you.

Me (Sat 11/30 3:35pm): We will plan on a visit for December 7th unless you tell me otherwise.

I've ad high anxiety since Tuesday about this scheduled visit...and some of you wrote that he wouldn't even show. I don't know if his truck really broke down or if he is trying to show that it is costly and difficult to visit his son who now lives 2 1/2 hours away. I don't exactly trust him and let's face it, he's a BIG liar and perpetual victim. I called him to offer my assistance if he really did break down close to where we are. When I called him, he was really short with me. I just said do you need help and are you close to us, he said, no and I"m not coming. I said bye.

All the other stuff I was worried feelings...seeing him again...whether or not he would be rude or mean to me....I'm putting those feelings on hold until next week. I have no doubt that he would be outright rude because of his tone on the phone. So I don't have to wonder about that anymore and I can arm myself for this if he actually makes it next weekend.

I keep thinking that this experience today is just a window into our future. I'm glad DS is too young to notice or care, but I can see the future and me having to explain that your dad isn't going to show up. Exactly how things were before I moved to my parent's house. I don't know why I didn't see it coming. I actually thought he was going to make it. Enough so that I've been stressed out for the last four days.

It's just astounding to me that someone can yell, scream, cry foul about how I'm keeping him from his son, I stole his son, I kidnapped his son, he WILL BE reunited with his son...all of the things he has accused me of in emails or nasty voicemails. How hard is it to travel 2.5 hours to visit your DS? The one you haven't seen in 2 months. The irony of all irony is that he would travel 8 hours for work where he would see his OW while I was pregnant and after DS was born. 8 hours. 8 whole hours. And I'm the terrible mother..the one who is clearly keeping him from his son.

Or maybe his truck really did break down...either way, not my problem.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 5:57 PM, November 30th (Saturday)]

NewMom0220 posted 11/30/2013 17:39 PM

I also failed to realize until I was writing that email about the visit also being on 12/1/13 that our Anniversary is tomorrow. Crazy. I blocked it out. Double glad I don't have to see him this weekend. Make that triple glad.

PurpleRose posted 11/30/2013 18:07 PM

Well this is pretty typical. They puff up and holler about the injustices imposed upon them by the evil vindictive exes... But reality is that many just do all that for show.

I'm sorry that you had to deal with his rudeness.

caregiver9000 posted 11/30/2013 18:07 PM

I've been wondering how you fared this weekend. Can't say I am all that surprised.

It was beyond kind of you to offer to get him after he said that the truck broke down. I would offer less in the future. Practice saying "not my problem" as you said in the post.

What helped me, was when someone pointed out that every syllable was ego kibble. I have gotten in the habit of rewriting with that in mind and my responses lack pronouns, kindness, and all extra babble. I will starve that NPD asshat any way I can!!

(((hugs))) to you NM. You are doing great!

Dark Inertia posted 12/1/2013 02:12 AM

Wow. What a guy.

PhantomLimb posted 12/1/2013 05:54 AM

On one hand, FTG. On the other hand, I love it when he shoots himself in the foot like this. I can't imagine any judge is going to look favorably on this asshole.

realitybites posted 12/1/2013 06:50 AM

You did very good in writing it all down. A timeline is key. So many times BS let the WS get on the phone with them and then it becomes a "he said she said" type of thing with no winners. This way if he tries to change the story you can show exactly how it happened.

My gut tells me it was all for show, he never had any thought of actually coming there, just wanted to mess with you and then feel sorry for him with the "broke down" story. But then again he really could have been broken down, who knows. They lie so much you can't give them the benefit of the doubt anymore.

DeadMumWalking posted 12/1/2013 08:09 AM

Father of the year

You handled it GREAT. Be prepared for more of the same from him in the future.

((((NewMom & DS))))

NewMom0220 posted 12/1/2013 16:36 PM

He just wrote today:

Would you please bring DS with you when you come up to work in Town this week? With his great grandma passing last month, dad's surgery, and [SILs beloved dog] passing yesterday, we could really use a little quality time with him. Please let us know so we can make arrangements.


Why does he always do shit like this? It's a constant back and forth. Why did we get attorneys? Why can't he either visit with his son or agree to an every other weekend schedule? Why try to work me like I'm an idiot?

Crickets to this. Unless he's trying to schedule visitation at my parents' house or agreeing to an every other weekend time sharing that includes child support payments, I'm not answering. It's just frustrating. He's writing like he just KNOWS the details of my arrangement with my job (they are allowing me to work from home long distance and occasionally I travel to town for meetings). Why doesn't he ask how much money we need. Grrrrrrrrrrr.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 4:40 PM, December 1st (Sunday)]

PhantomLimb posted 12/1/2013 17:07 PM

He's a controlling a-hole.

How much you want to bet he never even got in his car to visit you... and now he wants to one-up you by getting to see DS on his terms.

And he's trying to play you by citing everything he can think of to make you feel compassion for those around him (because lord knows he's used up all of his compassion points with you).

Crickets is (are?) the way to go.

It must make him crazy that he can't control you anymore. I love it.

alphakitte posted 12/1/2013 17:10 PM

You could respond, "I only travel to _____ occasionally and your request doesn't work for me. I'm dismayed that you are asking me to do something that conviences you, yet, you haven't even asked if there's something (son's name) needs and then offered to get it."

Most likely he won't respond to help your son out, but it might shut him up if you tweak him every time he asks you to do something that conviences him.

Your son is supposed to ease their grief over SIL's dog dying???? really????? Sheesh!

caregiver9000 posted 12/1/2013 17:13 PM

Definitely crickets.

But how tempting to respond:

Could you please bring Child Support payments with you next time you come to "town" to visit DS? What with his need to eat and the diapers, the new clothes and laundry expenses, and the visit to the pediatrician last month we could really use some quality financial support. Let me know so I can make arrangements! :)

FTG. seriously. over and over.

PhantomLimb posted 12/1/2013 17:35 PM

And I seem to recall this being a pattern for him. I remember making some kind of snide comments a few months back about your newborn talking grandma through some kind of loss or something. :)

NewMom0220 posted 12/1/2013 19:16 PM


No joke, I have gotten 3 requests a week from someone in his family citing recent family challenges and that a visit from DS would cheer them all up. There is part of me that feels for everyone and thinks, if only we were on good terms than I would run right over there and take DS to see the in-laws and STBX's family. Which is why I think everyone sends me messages to pressure me to do that, because they think I'm easily manipulated. Why aren't they all pressuring STBX to come to some kind of temporary visitation agreement? He wants to go in front of a judge just to get temporary orders. That's fine with me.

The fact that his DS isn't there to cheer up his family is his decision. Beyond agreeing to temporary visitation, I'm not required to be an olive branch. Unfortunately the line in the sand has been drawn and I'm treating this like a business. I tried being the good little daughter in law and it only benefited all of them.

This guy abandoned his wife and child and then filed for divorce and is fighting me for 50/50 custody so he doesn't have to pay child support. I'm not gonna walk into that Lion's Den.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 7:27 PM, December 1st (Sunday)]

Nature_Girl posted 12/1/2013 19:23 PM

No, you don't respond to him and you don't do what he's asking. You'll never see your baby again. You forward that text or email, whatever it is, to your lawyer. That's the only person you should be talking to. Don't respond with requests for child support, don't respond with sympathy for family problems, don't respond at all. Do not respond. Forward to your lawyer.

If STBX starts foaming at the mouth, you only need to reply with three little words: Contact my lawyer.

This dialog and wanting to be engaged could be your undoing. Please stay strong!

NewMom0220 posted 12/1/2013 19:29 PM

Thank you Nature_Girl,

Crickets to him and I've been mostly crickets to his family. I forward every email to my attorney and she tells me what I need to respond to.

It's just super frustrating!!! A bunch of hopped up mind games from a little boy man. If he really wanted to see his son he'd have done so by now.

PhantomLimb posted 12/1/2013 19:48 PM

Amen to that. Like you said, when it was to have his A, he'd drive 8 hours and his car never broke down. When it involves more than stopping by his parents' house, he can't be bothered.

The second he cheated on you, you ceased being a family. You don't owe him or his family a thing.

I'm so glad you moved out of there...

million pieces posted 12/1/2013 19:52 PM

Aren't his parents retired? Couldn't they visit on the weekends is they are so devastated?

cissi posted 12/1/2013 22:04 PM

How on earth does he plan on having 50/50 custody when he lives 2-1/2 hours from where you are?? That may work now (although I sure as hell wouldn't want my baby going back and forth so much in a week's time) but can you imagine when baby is in school? What's he going to do - enroll him in two schools? He needs to get real.

I will be looking forward to hearing if he shows up next weekend.

Catwoman posted 12/2/2013 04:25 AM

Do not link in any way visitation and child support. The courts don't care for that.

However, since you do not have any agreement, formal or otherwise, regarding custody and visitation, I wouldn't be jumping to anyone's tune.

Personally, I don't think he will get 50/50 when you are living so far apart; however, since you moved, that may work against you.

I'd be getting those temp orders as soon as possible. At that point, you can let things coast since you will be legally protected.


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