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How can I help my BH?

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Ihtoiltm posted 11/30/2013 16:43 PM

What more can I do to help my BH? We are almost 7 months out from d day and we are seeing a MC and were seeing him for IC but my husband recently said he wanted to take a break from his IC. I will continue seeing the therapist. We talk about things often and I am open, honest and living transparently. My BH has access to my phone at any given time and I tell him my plans and if they change I immediately let him know.
I want to do more, I want him to know that I will work tirelessly to do anything and everything to help him through this horrible mess I have created.
I read from SI daily, often several times a day and I go to different forums reading what other BS spouses feel so that I can try to get the full understanding of what I have caused for him. I realize that I will never fully understand what he is going through but I am doing my best.
There has to be more though, there has to be more I can do to help him. I am trying to sort through the mess in my head and fix myself but I also want to help him as much as possible. Does anyone have any suggestions for me?

floridaredman posted 11/30/2013 17:45 PM

Do you ever bring up the affair and tell him how you felt then as compared to how you feel now?
Are you proactive in having empathy when you see him hurting?

Are you staying away from blame shifting (external validation)?

Do you see the affair as being 100% your fault to choose to have?

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/30/2013 17:56 PM

Did you timeline for him? Have you asked him for a list of must do's? Have you told him you will listen and not be defensive about his hurt and pain? Did you provide a no contact letter and no contact agreement to him? Have you offered details of the encounters he asked for? Have you carefully listened to each and every word and taken every suggestion to heart? Heres an example:

My ex had her ap on facebook. When the affair "ended" she didnt remove him from fb. I asked her once a month for 5 months. Finally i told her, "i mean so much to you that you cant do one simple thing i asked for five months. I know now how much i mean to you." I turned my divorce back on and four months later we are divorced. Im no ones fall back position. Words from a wayward mean almost nothing. You lied to cheat, lied to cover it up, lied to hide your sex romp. Words from you are lies to your betrayed spouse. Say im sorry every day all day if you have to then follow it up with actions. Its not time that heals its what you do with the time that counts. You have a small window now to show him the truth. You were motivated as hell to screw around on him and you did. So why dont you be twice as motivated to show him your new found commitment. Get a new job. Read. Open up everything. When he works through his anger, let him do so without being defensive.

20WrongsVs1 posted 11/30/2013 19:04 PM

Help him what? Forget about what you did? He''ll never forget, but with time, hopefully it''ll recede to the back of his mind. Little you can do to rush that timeline.

Help him feel safe? That you can potentially impact, slowly...and you''re doing the right things there (transparency, communication, IC, etc.). As FRM indicated, don''t be afraid to bring up how stupid you feel, now, for falling for AP, how ashamed and embarrassed you are now, of your actions then. If something triggers you, and you have a memory of AP, tell Uhtred. Tell him you just had a flashback to a time you were with AP, and it sickened you. That you can''t believe you''re the same person.

Help him love you again? You may have blown that forever. Or not. That ball''s pretty much in his court, too. Even if it might seem selfish, IMO the best thing you can do is to let go of the outcome of your M...because you can''t control it or your BH...and focus on what you can control. You. Uhtred may leave you, no matter what. Work on yourself, figure out what your damage is so you can love and accept yourself. Regardless of the outcome of your M.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 7:05 PM, November 30th, 2013 (Saturday)]

Brandon808 posted 11/30/2013 21:12 PM

Does anyone have any suggestions for me?

One of the things any BS fears is attempting R for their WS to later simply say they changed their mind. That fear is powerful. They struggle with feelings of self-loathing for wanting to be with someone who hurt them.

Patience is key. Now I would never, ever say a WS should or deserves abuse. Ever. Venting those fears and frustrations should serve a purpose. Read the profile of another WW on SI, Wincings_sparkle, and how she chose (it is a choice) to accept her BH's ventings. She drew a line though too.

You see it's not the anger or accusation or anything things that are said that a WS hoping for R should worry about imho. It's silence. As long as he's venting then he's trying to convey his feelings. He hasn't given up really. If you stay the course then it can potentially be an opportunity to reassure him you do indeed choose. Really and truly choose him for the long haul. If it were me it would help to hear that. To say "It does hurt to hear you say these things but I know why feel this way and I want you to know you can express your feelings if it helps you heal, if it helps us R." It is certainly acceptable to establish rules imho (like no yelling, no venting in front of the kids, etc.).

What is his love language? What is yours? I would say it's important to not just use his but gently and persistently work with him on yours. He knows you have one and making it clear over and over that you want him to be the one to use your love language is another opportunity to improve your M.

I don't know about your BH but for me I always thought actions were supposed to speak louder than words. I never understood how my total commitment to our family didn't register with my xww in all of the things I did.

Your BH is still there. That is action in itself (not choosing to leave). Acknowledge that. Acknowledge that your BH in all likelihood must make that same choice each day. Your BH will invest even more in the M, but like I said that fear of a 2nd betrayal borders on mortal terror.

Finally, there is no such thing as "just enough". There are WS on SI who are going to D because their WS tried to do just enough to keep their BS to stay. If your BH has expressed something he needs for healing, for R then do that plus something else. Exceed expectations.

It won't be easy but I can tell you this from experience. I was in three long term relationship (2 wgf, 1 xww) and none of them owned their actions and put in any real work to fix the relationship. If they had...well I would have been even more dedicated to them and the relationship than ever before. It would have sucked that it took a betrayal to turn our relationship into something great, but I would not have let that keep me from reveling in the new relationship it could be. I thought about this each time. I knew in the back of my mind that potential was there, but I couldn't do it alone.

Good luck.

Steppenwolf posted 11/30/2013 21:29 PM

IMO the best thing you can do is to let go of the outcome of your M...because you can''t control it or your BH...and focus on what you can control. You. Uhtred may leave you, no matter what. Work on yourself, figure out what your damage is so you can love and accept yourself. Regardless of the outcome of your M.

This. Read this again and again until you have it memorized.

Your actions and reactions. That is it. That's all you can control.

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