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Am I right, is this done?

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starmoonchild posted 11/30/2013 17:20 PM

I prevented my FWS from accessing his cell phone last night and this morning. The OW is away on vacation and although I have his phone monitored, I realized this week that he can still be communicating by facebook or Blackberry messenger, etc. and I won't be able to tell. He sits in the bathroom, ostensibly playing a game on his phone. I told him last night I didn't want him playing the game anymore, as it was making me think he was somehow talking to her. He got up early this morning, a Saturday, and instantly looked for his phone, which I had hidden last night. He didn't let on to me, but I was watching him, and then I told him to come back to bed to cuddle. He did, but then he was not happy then nor all morning, and when I asked him why, he just shrugged and said he didn't know. He left for a work related errand after we did some shopping. He came home this afternoon and I told him I couldn't understand why he wasn't happy, and again he shrugged his shoulders and said nothing. He then told me he loved me. I can tell by the look in his eyes, the look I saw so many times when he was in the A, that there must be contact with her. This is after 3 DDays, and so much pain, so much trying to accept him again. I am so down, so sad, and it's Christmas time. I am ready to throw in the towel on this marriage of 41 years...any comments?

Skan posted 11/30/2013 18:37 PM

If you have to hide his phone to get his attention. If he thinks that the excuse of playing games in the bathroom is an acceptable excuse, ie, normal human interactions, what is the point of being married? You chase and he runs away. You ask for affection and he looks for his phone.

It may be 41 years of marriage, but is what you're in right now the marriage that you want? If it isn't then how many more days, months, years will you waste of your life, being with a man who doesn't seem to value you or want you?

(((hugs))) You shouldn't be doing the heavy lifting.

phmh posted 11/30/2013 19:20 PM


It depends on what you want the rest of your life to look like.

It sounds like he's still having an A, or at least his behaviors are not that of a partner I'd want. But some people are willing to put up with that for other reasons (financial stability, for example.)

What do you want out of life? As someone told me when I was trying to decide whether or not to R, you are the parent of your future self. The decisions you make now will determine what the rest of your life looks like.

41 years are sunk costs. You can do nothing about them now. All you can affect is the future. What you can do is look at 3 previous D-Days and current unacceptable behavior. Are you willing to live the rest of your life like that?

I went to a seminar recently that talked about when you have a stressor in your life, you basically have three choices:

1. Accept it
2. Change it
3. Be miserable

From what you've written, you either have to be OK that your husband is likely cheating and certainly not an emotionally available and supportive partner, leave him (since trying to get him to change only results in more D-Days and unacceptable behavior) (which might result in him realizing what the consequences are and really doing the work to R) or keep on with what's been happening -- do what you've always done and you'll be where you've always been.

Envision what you want your life to look like 5 years from now. What can you do now to make that happen?

I just realized this was posted in the R forum -- where I hardly ever read (thought this was general) -- hope it's still OK to post it even though I chose not to R. I didn't see anything in the rules where I couldn't.

Anyway, more hugs because this situation just sucks and I'm sorry you're back here with worries and doubts. (((SMC)))

Pawpatch posted 11/30/2013 19:40 PM

One important thing in a marriage is trust. If you have to check his phone or even give a thought to checking his phone or computer there is no trust. Do you really want to have that worry when you could be enjoying a worry free life? He's not worth it no matter how many years. Put yourself first!

[This message edited by Pawpatch at 7:41 PM, November 30th (Saturday)]

Nature_Girl posted 11/30/2013 19:44 PM

How can you live your life like that, having to monitor his every move like you're the police, having to tolerate a sullen child-man? ((((HUGS)))

brkn_heartd posted 11/30/2013 21:13 PM

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is so painful especially having your partner for so many years. I think you know the answer here. It is just up to you to make the decision. While we can give input only you can decide. I think you had some good input. There comes a point when you have to decide what you will tolerate. By your topic header, I am assuming you are about there.

Can you access his telephone?

PinkJeepLady posted 11/30/2013 22:24 PM

I am sorry for your sadness, especially right now at Christmas time, it just seems to make it so much worse.
I know what you mean about the "look in his eyes", for me it was a tone of voice, makes me shudder to think of it.
I hear you about thinking about throwing in the towel, this is just so hard. I think only you can answer that question. I will share something with you that I am doing. I am about at the end of my rope as well. I don't believe any more cheating is going on, it's just that we aren't really moving forward either. I have decided to go ahead and hang on through the holidays, which I love. It's extremely difficult, but I am determined to put one foot in front of the other and not only "get through" the holidays, but find joy in them too. With or without WH.
I am giving myself the gift of time to not make a final decision, until after the holidays. It has kind of taken a burden off actually. I am not obsessing about what WH is doing/not doing either. I am not detaching or 180ing either. I am being present for this 2013 holiday season.
I have a list of favorite things to do, have already watched a few movies, done the decorating and am working on gifts. Oh sure, I have breakdowns and cry too. When the sadness lifts a little, I focus on my not having to make a final decision right this second. Ok, back to the holiday fun.
Let's say that you are doing to have to throw in the towel, at some point. Would it be ok to give yourself a little time out from thinking of what that would involve? Could you put it on the backburner for a little bit while you take care of yourself?
Or, do you need to toss him out right now so you can move forward?
For me when the pain and sadness overwhelms I start working on a plan. You really can't control FWS, unless you completely give up your life and follow him everywhere, sounds like even the bathroom. But, what can you do?
I know you guys have been together a really long time and probably have holiday traditions, but what would you do if he wasn't around for any reason? Hmmmmm?
I just want to share one more bit of inspiration that happened to come to me in the mail today. I got a lovely Christmas card from an old friend. She and her husband were such a solid couple with a beautiful family. Just as they were starting to look forward to retirement he suddenly passed away while he was out for his morning run. I worried about what would happen to her. Well, she carried on. She travels, enjoys her family and took the time to write me a personal note even though we haven't seen each other for years. She doesn't know what I am going through and I cried when I read that she was inspired by me and WH years ago. She gave me strength to know that with or without WH I am going to not only survive, I am going to thrive.
You can do it, you can find peace in your life. You will make the right decisions for yourself. You will be able to not only survive this painful time but find some holiday magic out there. Maybe it will be small, but it will be there.
Please send me a pm if I can be of more support to you. Please know you are crying on the shoulders of those who understand your sadness and we are hear to listen and comfort YOU!
Take care,

starmoonchild posted 12/1/2013 13:07 PM

As usual, thanks to everyone who answered my letter, your help and words are so appreciated. PinkJeepLady, your words resonate so strongly again, thank you for the advice which I will take to heart. Last night was an angst filled teary mess, with me crying, him crying, and swearing that he hasn't talked to her since DDay. We were up until 4 a.m. and I am drained today, but have decided to try and believe him, for now, at least, and also take your advice and have a happy Christmas. Our oldest son is coming for Christmas for the first time in 6 years with his young family, and I am determined to make it a wonderful holiday with all of my children. After that, I'll just see if the signs continue to point to lies, and go from there. Merry Christmas to everyone!

PinkJeepLady posted 12/1/2013 16:48 PM

That's the spirit Star, let's do this for the grandkids if nothing else!
It's not that we are ignoring issues, we are forging on to not only survive but actually enjoy the holidays! I might need to call on you for support myself sometime. I know I can count on you to keep me on track too! We can do this girl!
So sorry about last night, hope for a better one tonight for you guys. We have been shedding a few today too, I guess it's part of the journey.
I will be thinking about you and hoping this holiday season is a joyous one for you and your family!

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