(((starmoonchild)))
I am sorry for your sadness, especially right now at Christmas time, it just seems to make it so much worse.
I know what you mean about the "look in his eyes", for me it was a tone of voice, makes me shudder to think of it.
I hear you about thinking about throwing in the towel, this is just so hard. I think only you can answer that question. I will share something with you that I am doing. I am about at the end of my rope as well. I don't believe any more cheating is going on, it's just that we aren't really moving forward either. I have decided to go ahead and hang on through the holidays, which I love. It's extremely difficult, but I am determined to put one foot in front of the other and not only "get through" the holidays, but find joy in them too. With or without WH.
I am giving myself the gift of time to not make a final decision, until after the holidays. It has kind of taken a burden off actually. I am not obsessing about what WH is doing/not doing either. I am not detaching or 180ing either. I am being present for this 2013 holiday season.
I have a list of favorite things to do, have already watched a few movies, done the decorating and am working on gifts. Oh sure, I have breakdowns and cry too. When the sadness lifts a little, I focus on my not having to make a final decision right this second. Ok, back to the holiday fun.
Let's say that you are doing to have to throw in the towel, at some point. Would it be ok to give yourself a little time out from thinking of what that would involve? Could you put it on the backburner for a little bit while you take care of yourself?
Or, do you need to toss him out right now so you can move forward?
For me when the pain and sadness overwhelms I start working on a plan. You really can't control FWS, unless you completely give up your life and follow him everywhere, sounds like even the bathroom. But, what can you do?
I know you guys have been together a really long time and probably have holiday traditions, but what would you do if he wasn't around for any reason? Hmmmmm?
I just want to share one more bit of inspiration that happened to come to me in the mail today. I got a lovely Christmas card from an old friend. She and her husband were such a solid couple with a beautiful family. Just as they were starting to look forward to retirement he suddenly passed away while he was out for his morning run. I worried about what would happen to her. Well, she carried on. She travels, enjoys her family and took the time to write me a personal note even though we haven't seen each other for years. She doesn't know what I am going through and I cried when I read that she was inspired by me and WH years ago. She gave me strength to know that with or without WH I am going to not only survive, I am going to thrive.
You can do it, you can find peace in your life. You will make the right decisions for yourself. You will be able to not only survive this painful time but find some holiday magic out there. Maybe it will be small, but it will be there.
Please send me a pm if I can be of more support to you. Please know you are crying on the shoulders of those who understand your sadness and we are hear to listen and comfort YOU!
Take care,