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Newest Member: January2222 (61519)

User Topic: How do I tell him? Former waywards welcome.
♀ 41388
Member # 41388
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband and I are going to discuss our futures in the next few days and if we have a possibility of R. I am willing to work on our marriage and gave him a NC request for him to break his EA off with the OW. He has a lot of unresolved issues that have nothing to do with me and has a lot of trust issues on top of that. (Thanks for sharing those!) Anyway, I'm a little nervous that if I come at him with guns blazing telling him he has to write a NC letter, has to give me access to his phone, facebook, etc. that he will shut down. We are currently separated and I have very little knowledge of his life - he works a lot of hours and does try to spend time with our kids and I. He definitely has some issues accepting responsibility and I do believe that if he says he will break it off, he will. But I know I cannot trust that. How do I explain what I need so that he will understand and not shut me out?

Him:WH-40 (EA)
He left when confronted with the EA, refuses to talk about it, but cannot give me answers to my questions because he "doesn't know" anything.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
♀ 40605
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you send him via email, or print for him, the " things that every WS needs to know"? I bumped it for you over in the wayward side forum. Maybe he could read it prior to your discussion? Maybe if he can read it in advance and think on it for a while, he will be more open to your needs/know more what to expect/react better.

Love your username. Yes you are.


Me: BS, 46
Him: WH, 47
Together 24 years
4 amazing kids
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Choosing myself daily and R almost every day

Posts: 698 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Double posted

[This message edited by Alyssamd24 at 11:06 AM, December 1st (Sunday)]

But what if I fall?
Oh Darling, but what if you fly?

Posts: 1269 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW here...I think you have every right to ask for these things as a condition of R and your WH needs to understand its what he needs to do if he also wants to R.

He may not like it but it is a consequence of his actions. Explain to him that these are things that will help you regain your trust in him and make him a safe person.

IMO (and personal experience)it is hard to R while you are separated. My BH discovered my A last December and we were separated from the beginning of January until August....while we were separated I was in IC,and also still very much involved in an EA with my AP.....once I wasn't living at home it became that much easier to continue a relationship with him.

I am not trying to scare you or put doubt in your mind, but am merely trying to illustrate that even though on the surface I was trying to R I was still in my A.

During this time I was pushing my BH to let me come back home....he hesitated (I didn't realize it at the time but he knew I was still talking to AP)

I don't know what changed his mind, but my BH finally decided to let me come back, which is when I decided to really go NC with the AP. The whole situation exploded then and I have since been NC with my XAP and fully committed to R.

I'm sorry for the rambling I said I just wanted to point out its hard to R if your living two separate lives.

Your BH May not like your conditions but if he wants to fix it he will realize he needs to do what you ask. And you as the BW have every right to ask for them.

But what if I fall?
Oh Darling, but what if you fly?

Posts: 1269 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 4

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