I am sorry.....because I most defiantly know how you feel. It is horrible and terrible and because I feel like this very often myself I wouldn't want anyone to have to feel like this. But like you I did it, and I don't know exactly what my BS feels like but I know it's bad, and effing terrible and horrible and probably scary and just shit. I say that because that's what I use to break me out of these "lows". I try to pull up my feelings that I will do anything for her including pulling myself together as best I can to be the best I can for her. I know it often doesn't get accepted or seem to go far but if you love her you keep going right? I hope this helps, focusing on my wife's needs helps me, it gives me focus and helps me to keep away the guilt and shame of it.