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get this off my chest

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Taurus517 posted 11/30/2013 22:50 PM

I'm sorry for what I did, i love my w and I fucked up our what could have been great marriage. I made stupid decisions and I'm a fucking stupid asshole for all that. I just feel like shit. When we are together I feel like it gets better, but when we are by ourselves it gets worst because we are in our own minds by ourselves. Right now all im thinking is what a horrible selfish douche bag asshole I am for putting her through this. Its been over a year since DDay, its hard to forgive myself and I'm angry at myself for making the choices that I did. Fuck me and my stupid decisions !! I love her and she deserves the best and I will give her the best but at this moment at 11:49pm I feel like a low down dirty selfish cheating asshole who is inconsiderate and lack empathy. I just want to hold her right now, I'm sorry. I'm an idiot.

harrypotter posted 12/1/2013 00:41 AM

Taurus517,

I am sorry.....because I most defiantly know how you feel. It is horrible and terrible and because I feel like this very often myself I wouldn't want anyone to have to feel like this. But like you I did it, and I don't know exactly what my BS feels like but I know it's bad, and effing terrible and horrible and probably scary and just shit. I say that because that's what I use to break me out of these "lows". I try to pull up my feelings that I will do anything for her including pulling myself together as best I can to be the best I can for her. I know it often doesn't get accepted or seem to go far but if you love her you keep going right? I hope this helps, focusing on my wife's needs helps me, it gives me focus and helps me to keep away the guilt and shame of it.

BaxtersBFF posted 12/1/2013 08:44 AM

I like HP's idea.

(((Taurus

kmom2662 posted 12/1/2013 09:09 AM

Taurus--
I know, I have been feeling the same. H and I can barely be physically apart at all. When we are, i feel like he's remembering things over and over, and so am I. There are times that I am walking around doing things and something triggers a huge wave of guilt. It's so strange-- in a way, I welcome the guilt because I want to remember so that I'm never tempted again. We are only 2 months into R, and i start IC tomorrow, so I hope that helps with the guilt and the shame. It's awful isn't it? I never expected the emotional fallout to be this bad, considering that i brought this on myself.
Good luck...

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