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Joyless29 posted 11/30/2013 23:41 PM

LONG...story short. I found out my WH of 9 years was having a 6 mo affair in July. I live away from my family and was devastated. Feeling very lonely I met a guy online who seems to be very nice etc. we met and since the end of August have been talking. Things are moving very quickly, but it is just a really good fit. We enjoy each other's company and have a great connection on so many levels. My WH has no idea about this man. We are separated and as of Jan 1st will be divorced. I need advice...should I keep it a secret? Should I tell him because I would like to spend time with him and my kids, if possible. Help....not sure how to proceed. My WH is very controlling, mean, and unpredictable. I am afraid of his reaction and him making things worse than they already are. I just want to move on, but it's hard to know what's right....advice from others who have been here.....

wontdefineme posted 12/1/2013 01:52 AM

Not been there, but he is a band aid for your hurt. You need to heal before getting involved with anyone. You can't replace your xh with another model with the kids. Not fair to them. They have to mourn too.

Second marriages fail at a greater percentage, I'm sure its because people didn't take their time. There are plenty here who jumped in too quicKly.

I would have loved to have a guy friend to fill the gap of a man in my life, but I wasn't ready and two years out I'm still getting the last one removed from my brain. When and if I'm ready, I would like to make sure the only person on my mind is the new guy.

TheAgonyOfIt posted 12/1/2013 03:39 AM

It's great to have comfort but being with him as a way to distract you from your painful emotions WILL NOT serve you well in long term.

You are also waaaaaaaay to raw to be involved with someone else and it wouldn't surprise me if he also turned out to be as ass, as your likely muddled, your radar is likely off.

I feel bad idea. Can you exit the relationship and get into IC instead???

Don't mean to sound harsh. Really. But really doubt this is really in your best interests.

Blackhair posted 12/1/2013 04:12 AM

Totally agree with the above two, I felt the urge to date too and started to seeing this guy, he is an awesome guy but each time he was talking something serious, I will try to pull back.

So I know I am not ready and probably will hurt him in the end, which is very sad.

Williesmom posted 12/1/2013 07:13 AM

In my mind, a person is married, or they are not married. You are married. It is not appropriate to date while married.

What's the rush? Take time from being part of a couple to find yourself and figure out how you want to live your life.

Heal.

fireproof posted 12/1/2013 09:07 AM

I just wanted to say the advice above is given because of experience. The intent is to watch out for you.

I have heard and believe that if you are in a relationship so quickly that when you break up it is worse than your divorce - can you imagine that pain?

As far as kids 6 months to a year from dating your partner is recommended assuming you are divorced. This is for the kids healing or adjusting.

Personally I am wary of people who have not been divorced for at least a year. Either they are in too quickly or people need time to reset. There are exceptions but few.

Gently if he is dating you and you are still legally married what does that say about him and things are moving quick? Whst does that say about him? Don't you want someone who values marriage?

That being said these are based upon experiences of wise people. TIME is the best indicator. Slow Down if he is meant to be he will be.

Work on establishing on a new family with your kids. I can't imagine what that would say to your kids because you are still married. They don't understand the difference between you involved legally married and the affair while he is married. Give them time and to add on that extra bit of knowledge is difficult - the divorce will be hard enough.

Good luck but seriously no matter how great this guy is or if you are the happiest couple he will be there for the future if he is a good person worthy of you. Take time - it will give you time to heal and you will see him not with potentially wounded eyes but as he is. I hope it works out because to find love again is a gift but honestly the experiences of those based upon what you wrote it is most likely too fast but there are exceptions. Be smart!