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I just don't know

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BAB61 posted 11/30/2013 23:42 PM

So, we are only 6 weeks into this journey of reconciliation. My WH is in IC, and has been since 11/5 (although he somehow forgot his last app't). His counselor gave him 'homework' which he did the first week ... which was to walk 10min per day and spend 2 hours with just me during the week. The next week he had not scheduled our 2hr time, so I asked him about it. Then he schedules it with me. The 3rd week he again doesn't schedule a 2 hr block with me. So I just mentioned that he had counseling on Tues, this was Sunday night. He had a meeting on Monday, so I was curious to see how he was going to schedule a time with me. Turns out the Mon mtg was cancelled, so we had our time together then. Now we are in the 4th week and he still hasn't scheduled the time with me. He's acting like WE BOTH need to do this .. and mostly me. He's the one who strayed, am I wrong in thinking he should be doing the Lion's Share of the work? Please give your opinions and reasoning behind them. I am willing to reconcile and work on our marriage. This is very difficult for me, he's acting all morose and depressed, like he's the one who was betrayed, even my 16yo thinks he's being manipulative. Then today, I was on my fb, and looking at the comments on his new profile pic. Saw a woman's name I did not recognize. So I checked her page, he has no other friends in common with her ... suspicious much? Hayl Yes! So I asked him about her. He told me he met her on fb through another friend ... but that friend (who I'm friends with) isn't friends with her. I said he should maybe unfriend her, basically he refused. Another query: If he has never met her and only knows her casually on fb, why is it a big deal to unfriend her if it makes me suspicious or uncomfortable? Seriously asking for comments on this one. Am I being unreasonable? Thanks all!

iwillNOT posted 12/1/2013 00:08 AM


I am only 4 months in, myself, but...

No, you are not being unreasonable about the FB friend. Right now he should be doing ANYTHING you need to establish your feeling of safety. Un friending some random " friend of a friend" on FB should be a no- brainier. Why is it an issue? What does he say? Something isn't right.

What are you doing for yourself, to heal? Are you in IC?

And, gently - if his IC gave him a task to do, why are you reminding him to do it? He needs to be allowed to do it or not under his own merit, to show that he is remorseful and working hard( or not) then you can have a clear picture of his priorities. Give him the chance to show you.

Ask for what you need, then step back and watch what he does. Judge by his actions.


iwillNOT posted 12/1/2013 00:12 AM

I retread one of your past posts -What ever happened with the key logger/skyping/wiping computer history? How did you come to the point of reconciliation? This would add some perspective.

Nailinmyforehead posted 12/1/2013 05:58 AM

Hi there,
I am sorry for all the crap we are going through. As far as the FB friend? Holy crap, he should unfriend her immediately! You should not even have to ask at this stage of the game. A year into successful R with my FWW, I can tell you that FB can be an evil, evil thing while trying to R. After a few similar things here, my wife and I both deleted our entire FB profiles. We did not need any type of a distraction while we were getting our sh*t together. We needed to focus on our marriage, and us. I told my wife that our successful R was a bit more important than looking at her friend's plate of sushi or a video of a cat playing with a paper bag. God help us all through this mess.

BAB61 posted 12/1/2013 09:40 AM

Yes, I am in IC, and you are right iwillNOT, I've already determined I am not mentioning the 2hr block to him again. As for the key-logger, his virus protection discovered and deleted as malware. He did not mention anything to me about it. I'm not telling him I put it on there unless he asks.

Nailinmyforehead - We are both very outgoing gregarious people, and as long as I know his association with people I'm not bothered, maybe I should be ... I will take into consideration and maybe a fb break is the way to go.

EaglesWings posted 12/1/2013 13:02 PM

Today's technology can be a b**ch. FWH EA was mainly via texting etc. Without it, it would have been much harder for me to discover ( he thinks I am tech-stupid, but he made me an expert in no time). That said, when I found frequent texts to another young lady from our workplace and asked him to quit contact, he went ballistic. I know there was nothing between them, she is a friend of the M, but there was SO much, and he just has NO clue about boundaries. He did finally delete her contact info, but there are SO many ways these days to hide. And I find the boundaries are much blurrier on line than face-to-face. He still doesn't get it.

TennisTC posted 12/1/2013 21:39 PM

I believe your H has boundary issues. The book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass really helped me and my H. I would recommend it, especially since your H has a large number of female friends and seems to seek out those relationships.

You are not being unreasonable all. I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. (((Hugs)))

BAB61 posted 12/5/2013 01:56 AM

Thanks everyone!

I did go buy "Not Just Friends" today and started reading it. I told him I want to read this one concurrently, and he tried to say he wanted to finish the other one first, I was like No .. we can read more than one of these at a time, it's not like they are novels! lol So, he agreed to read it. I told him we could each read a chapter or section, then the other one could read it and discuss. We haven't really had much good discussion yet, still reeling!

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