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A couple steps backwards

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Lola7 posted 12/1/2013 06:52 AM

Yesterday, I had to break NC to speak with STBXH over a home issue. (I don't want to go into details, but believe me I had no choice.)

Speaking with him brought me so far back. He was sweet and supportive, called me by my nickname. After the conversation I just fell apart. Literally sobbing for an hour straight over him abandoning me and taking up with this crunchy-haired whore all over again when I thought I was doing so well.

On one of the other threads, the conversation was about what did your WS do prior to the A that you couldn't stand. I really couldn't think of much because I was happy. But, I conveniently forgot how we would be snuggly on the couch, but I knew he was throwing fishing lines out to other girls here and there during the marriage that I closed my eyes to. (Like inviting a co-worker out to lunch in a little flirty email.) It's like he'd treat me so well at home, I figured maybe I'm just crazy.

And thatís what I should be thinking about when I mourn the death of our marriage. Iím mourning the dream that he really was everything I wanted. The truth is, I always wanted to believe he was, and closed my eyes each time he showed me he really wasnít.

I swear if I ever date anyone ever again, I'm not going to do that. There is no way I could go through this heartbreak again. Absolutely no way.

Thefly559 posted 12/1/2013 07:10 AM

I feel the exact same way ! I often think who was she? Was she the woman I wanted her to be? Or was she the person she is now. Don't know anymore and don't care anymore.

Lostandpregnant posted 12/1/2013 07:49 AM

((hug))
I often wonder the same thing. Am I truly mourning HIM..or am i mourning my dream of what I wanted it to be?
Both to some extend, I suppose.

strawblond30 posted 12/1/2013 09:00 AM

Yes I can't stand talking to my ex I'm
So sad that he isn't crying over me and has had so many since divorce . Like one will be better then me at everything and he will finally show affection and buy love gifts at a store. I'm still messed up.

SBB posted 12/1/2013 10:23 AM

The truth is, I always wanted to believe he was, and closed my eyes each time he showed me he really wasnít.

Too true. Accepting this was breathtakingly painful for me. That was the 'me' in this mess.

I did it too. I kept pretending for far longer than he bothered to keep up the act. I still don't quite understand why.

My rage in the early days was mostly rage at myself.

His powers of deception were no match for my powers of self-deception.

It gets easier. In time you'll find there's ALWAYS a way to communicate only via text or email. Verbal is only for absolute emergencies.

Verbal communication is ALWAYS going to be a mine field. You stepped on a mine yesterday. Be gentle with yourself.

[This message edited by SBB at 10:29 AM, December 1st (Sunday)]

Lola7 posted 12/1/2013 11:43 AM

I've been in tears all day realizing this. I think today is worse then DD.

I shouldn't be surprised that he's abandoned me, because he showed me what he was in the beginning. I am so so stupid.

I'm going to lose everything in this. I don't know where to start fixing me. I'm immobile. I want to say so much, but the person I want to say it to simply does not care.

PurpleRose posted 12/1/2013 14:09 PM

Lola, are you in IC?

My therapist was a life-saver for me in those dark hours/days/weeks when I could barely remember to breathe.

Sometimes we need outside help, family or friends or a therapist, to remind us we have to live for our own self. Not for our WS, not for what we thought we had or who we thought we were. It is damn hard. Yes. It is. It sucks.

But you are the only person who can save you right now. Please reach out to someone IRL.

SBB posted 12/1/2013 14:41 PM

^^What PR said.

I shouldn't be surprised that he's abandoned me, because he showed me what he was in the beginning. I am so so stupid.

Turning on yourself is really common. Unhealthy but common. I recommend "Journey from Abandonment to Healing" - there's a whole part in it about this.

This whole debacle brought up long dormant issues of abandonment that I had never dealt with. It took me 9m after DD to be ready to begin peeling that onion with my IC.

I have been right where you are now. Many of us have. Please know you won't feel this way forever. My rock bottom was October last year. It feels like a lifetime ago now.

((Lola7))

Lola7 posted 12/1/2013 16:39 PM

I am seeing a IC, just started a few weeks ago. So far it helps. This whole thing has triggered other stuff I've been suppressing for years . . . I haven't even spoken to my father in 15 years. I grew up with a family who love you one minute, and hate you the next. I'm starting to think that's why I picked STBXH. Because that is what he is.

We just had a few texts back and forth. He asks me should he file or do I want to like we're discussing whose going to pick up milk on the way home. I engaged in the conversation but kept the tone just like his. The weird thing is, right now I don't even give a fuck, and I know his only objective in asking that question was to hurt me. Again. I'm proud of myself for not letting him get the smallest rise out of me.

It's funny how some people get their jollies isn't it?

SBB posted 12/2/2013 23:44 PM

That is so common we ca them Ego kibbles. NC can wean him off them but it DEFINITELY breaks your give-a-fuck.

I too have similar FOO - it is a really good sign that you're in this place already. Still painful but on the right path to healing.

Only respond Yes/No and only to essentials.

My favourite NIK-ism: "they know which buttons to press because they installed the fuckers!".


ruby44 posted 12/3/2013 12:41 PM

I am right with you Lola,
Never know who is going to show up to pick up the DDs for visits. The last one, really hurt, he seemed excited because I asked him via email to return the money to our joint account because I needed it to retain a lawyer. Boy was he giddy, asked if I had enough so excited to start his new life with the OW. Told him I had not found one yet and you would have thought I kicked his puppy. I am too new at this to give advice. But I plan to start writing down all the crap he has done to me over the years so when I start missing him, I can remind myself that it was not that great! Keep your chin up.

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