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justjim posted 12/1/2013 08:16 AM

Well, I guess that's it.

I was out Wednesday evening getting stuff for Thanksgiving dinner. Came home unexpectedly early to find her and her coworker (female friend) loading up both of their cars with her clothes and things. Asked what was going on, and she replied that she was simply getting rid of some old clothes that she doesn't wear anymore. I called bullshit and she admired she was leaving.
She stayed that night, blaming me for not being attentive to her needs and for not earning as much money as she thought I should.
She finally drove away for good at 10:00 o 'clock Thanksgiving morning. The turkey was already in the oven (I still didn't believe she was really leaving).
The loneliness is almost overwhelming. I cannot believe that someone I could love so much, even through infidelity, could be so incredibly cold.
I know I need to pick up the pieces, but I don't even know where to start looking for them. Everywhere I look in this house, I only see memories of her.

I really don't think I deserve this.

Lostandpregnant posted 12/1/2013 08:20 AM

You DON'T deserve this.
No one does.
I'm so sorry :(

whiteflower99 posted 12/1/2013 08:36 AM

What a selfish b!tch.
No one deserves that.... well unrepentant AP's do and worse but still.
I m so so sorry.
Please do something for yourself

Williesmom posted 12/1/2013 08:41 AM

((Jim)). I'm sorry.

SummerStorm21 posted 12/1/2013 09:02 AM

I'm so sorry. Can you visit family or friends? What an awful thing to do to a person. Take care of yourself. Try to find good people to spend some time with.

AML04 posted 12/1/2013 10:45 AM

So, so sorry. You definitely don't deserve it. Hope you can find some comfort with family/friends who truly love you.

Lex71 posted 12/1/2013 11:14 AM

Jim, that's just horrendous. So sorr y to hear about this.

It's similar to my previous experience. My xW left in a similar way, I came home from work and she was gone, along with our child. Utter devastation. I wandered the house for hours like a lost soul before spending the night unable to speak because of crying. I drove 500 miles to see Mum and Dad and drove 500 miles back two days later as I had kidney stone surgery. I was wrecked and broken, I didn't know about her affair and I had no warning she was going to leave.

Your WW - She's a coward, selfish and cruel pos. I'm so sorry.

Look, you can and will get through, i know i did and I got to a point where i was looking forward to things that i was doing for myself. A little bit every day. It hurts like nothing else but time is a great healer. I wish you all the best. Stay strong, post often. Come back and let us know how things are doing for you.

FaithFool posted 12/1/2013 11:24 AM

Wow, jj, she sounds like one shallow twit of a bitch.

You deserve better.

Be good to yourself, one day at a time. You will eventually get back to that place where you once were, ok with being on your own.

I've been completely on my own for over five years now and it's turned out to be the best and most fulfilling time of my life, with no-one else to have to please or compromise for. No more mindfucks for me, thanks very much.

Big hugs.

It takes t.i.m.e., but you will get there.

IrishLass518 posted 12/1/2013 11:39 AM

JJ, you don't deserve this, none of us did. If there is ONE thing you must know from the very start it is this:


She will tell you all of the things you did to make this happen but it is all BS. Say it, learn it, live it, love it.....This is NOT about you.

If I could have had one person say that to me on DDay I would have saved myself a ton of hurt, heartbreak, tears and failed attempts to be the person he said he needed me to be.


ThoughtIKnewYa posted 12/1/2013 11:45 AM

Wow. On Thanksgiving Day!! Whaaatta bitch!

You DO NOT deserve this! No way!

Spelljean posted 12/1/2013 11:47 AM

I'm so sorry.

The other posters are right, you don't deserve tuis treatment. We are all here for you.

sullymeishadomi posted 12/1/2013 11:50 AM

((Justjim)). So sorry.

TheAgonyOfIt posted 12/1/2013 11:51 AM

Is someone with you now. Cuz I know if I were in your shoes I personally would need that support in the very very biggest way.
Sooooooooooooo sorry. She's taking care of her own sick self in some way by escaping, and doing with with ice. She's not a good person. Or her issues keep her goodness so far away.
I hope u r with someone AND that you start the slow process of seeing and feeling her jerkness.

Has helped me. And takes time.

Skan posted 12/1/2013 12:26 PM

I'm so sorry. She took the cowards way out. What a confirmation of her lack of character.

Give yourself until midnight tonight to continue to do nothing but grieve. Tomorrow, find yourself a lawyer and find out how to protect yourself. Open a bank account in your name alone, and transfer at least 1/2 of the funds into it. If you have direct deposit, make sure that it's cancelled for the joint account and goes into yours alone. Cancel all of your joint credit cards and open a card in your name alone. Unplug your garage door opener so her opener won't work, and add a lock to the door(s) that only you have the key to.

This is the time for you to play hardball. Protect yourself. Don't let her spend your money on the OM or on setting up her bachelor pad. She needs to finance her bad choices. (((hugs)))

If you haven't already, I would also go to the I Can Relate forum and click on the Betrayed Men's thread. The guys there are fantastic and can give you a LOT of support.

justjim posted 12/1/2013 14:00 PM

Thanks everyone.

All I have with me are the dogs. She texted me on Friday and said she wanted to come and pick up a couple of things and "her" dog (she already had him when we met 12 years ago) .

I left the house so she could get her things. I didn't want her to see me as a wrecked person.

She only took a couple of things, like her alarm clock and a framed picture of us on the beach (looking very much in love) from a few years ago. She also left a large framed picture of her in her wedding dress propped against the dresser in the bedroom. It had been in the attic.

Oh yeah, she texted me when she finished, telling me that she would be back for her dog "later in the weekend or on Monday evening".

I don't know if she is nuts or trying to drive me that way.

[This message edited by justjim at 2:01 PM, December 1st (Sunday)]

whiteflower99 posted 12/1/2013 14:26 PM

I am so sorry.
Please don't stay in the dark place longer than you need to.
The hate may keep you warm, but it will burn you too. We are with you every step of the way, even if you can't see us. When one of us stumbles, the others hold us up.
Allow yourself time to grieve, but ... just don't linger in the dark. It isn't worth it.
Nothing you did or didn't do, said or didn't say, could have changed this. She is broken. And petty and cruel. And malicious and and and a ton of other words I can't think of.
You aren't.
You are worthy and honorable.
And you will rise stronger. I promise you won't die, it just feels like you will for a little bit.
Mourn the loss of what you thought you had. And we will help you.

keptmyword posted 12/1/2013 20:36 PM


I read your story. Sounds very similar to mine. I know what you are going through. I know the pain and anguish. I know the disbelief at the depth of the lies, the extent of the deceptions, and the betrayal by the one who vowed to protect your trust.

First and foremost. Sear this into your heart, mind and soul: Her infidelity/adultery has NOTHING to do with YOU OR YOUR MARRIAGE. Infidelity is a PERSONAL failure - it is NOT a MARITAL issue or the result of any marital issue.

Your wife, like my ex-wife, is a fucking coward. Like mine, she will probably live her life being irresponsible, uncommitted, and full of excuses. She will always take the path of least resistance instead of a more difficult, but righteous path.

I know you hurt right now but the pain is the residual effect of the fear of change. Believe it or not, your wife is forcing you to take a very difficult path - difficult, but the RIGHT path. A path that is separating you from her dysfunctional, toxic bullshit. In this case, I can guarantee you she is doing you a whopping favor. In the end, you WILL be glad you are no longer with this backstabbing, blame-throwing, deluded fool. I miss having a family - but I do not miss my XWW and her lies, deceptions, excuses, and denial.

I did not see anywhere that indicates that you have children with this woman. Let me ask you - knowing what you have now seen and experienced with her, would you EVER want this woman to be the mother of your children?

Fuck NO. Be VERY thankful that you do not have children by this woman. I don't care what ANYONE says - lying, deceiving, backstabbing, adulterous women/men who destroy their family ARE NOT good mothers/fathers.

You now will have the opportunity to not only get away from and eliminate this poison from your life but have the freedom to find yourself and find someone who is EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY, loyal, compassionate, and trustworthy. Pretty much everything that your wife has demonstrated that she is not.

I would suggest that you unleash Hell and wage scorched-earth policy on her. File for divorce and steamroll her and her dysfunctional bullshit.

Trust me. It will be quite easy to do better than this shit.

[This message edited by keptmyword at 8:39 PM, December 1st (Sunday)]

Lyonesse posted 12/1/2013 20:49 PM

She also left a large framed picture of her in her wedding dress propped against the dresser in the bedroom. It had been in the attic.

WTF? What is this supposed to be, some kind of message? That sounds cruel or self-dramatizing; I'd be tempted to doctor that photo in amusing ways.

Echoing what others have said - she is really a manipulative coward. I know it hurts anyway, but there comes a point where each of us affected by betrayal really REALLY looked at the betrayer and realized, "So that's who you are?" That is the point where detachment can begin.

I wish you well, Jim. I know it will be tough, but please remember there is always someone here to kick this around with. We are all in your corner.

Brandon808 posted 12/1/2013 21:10 PM

I don't know if she is nuts or trying to drive me that way.
Oh, I don't know Jim. Why can't it be both?

You've already received good advice and solid truth. I just want to say the other posters are right.

Offhispedestal posted 12/1/2013 21:23 PM

I've been in that darkness you find yourself in right now.
I think most of us have been there. It will forever change you, no doubt. I'm so sorry she did this the way she did and on Thanksgiving! I celebrated my big 40 that was suppose to be amazing and a big deal....spent it alone. My friend refused to let me stay alone and took me out to eat and drinks. I see those pictures now and I have smile, a dead smile.
I spent thanksgiving waiting for him to show up. He said he was doing someone a favor and would be back early. Wouldn't reply to my texts, when he did he was cruel. Yet I wanted him home soooo bad for thanksgiving. I served dinner for our two kids and we picked up and went to visit my brother. As we walked out, my H is in the driveway. We didnt speak, my heart was breaking. He was furious and telling me I ruined thanksgiving . He had been gone since the morning and arrived like 11 hrs later. But I ruined it by not sitting in the dining room like some Betty Crocker mannequin with a smile on my face ready to serve him.

The fact that she put her picture in the bedroom, is for you to see. She's fucked up and these are mind games, nothing else!! Please try to make sure she comes ONCE to pick up the rest of her shit. Her going often just to pick up two or three things is bullshit. This thanksgiving memory will be a trigger for some time. But the deep pain you are feeling now will turn into strength. You will say one day "what the F was I thinking!!!? Crying over someone who thought nothing of me to walk out without a thought or care...

You need to do 180, 180, 180!! This is for YOU.
NOT to get her to regret what she's doing or email, text you that she's made a mistake. Take care of yourself right now
I'm so sorry 😔

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