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burntandtorn posted 12/1/2013 08:41 AM

I am a few weeks out from D-day.

She is making effort, the last few weeks (if you could cut out the pain) have been amazing. We aren't drinking, which played a big part in her affairs. We're doing hobbies together and with our kids. Sex is better than it has been in years (no alcohol helps here!)

However,what is in my head isn't that pretty. I bounce around so much I'm going crazy. I have ups and downs that are so opposed that I don't even know what to do with myself.

1. The "up": I think we can work this out. Maybe it will make us closer. A couple ONS aren't the worst thing in the world, heck after 12 years of being married to someone, a little spice could be extremely tempting. Mix that with what I've seen of her erratic drunken behavior (mixing booze and paxil is baaaaad, she would almost act like she was on extacy), I feel like it is all understandable. Wrong, but understandable.

2. The "down": This is where I'm at more of the time right now (maybe 75% of the time). I feel completely hopeless for our future. She threw everything away just for a little sex. I get so angry that I'm shaking.I've screamed at the steering wheel so much you'd think you could tell by looking at it. I go on walks or take showers so I can sob. I'm forcing myself to eat so I don't get sick, but I've lost a ton of weight (not drinking beer probably helped there)

When I'm down, I feel unlovable, unwated. I get panicky and feel like I'll never be able to move past this. Like I'm torturing myself by staying and I'll be torturing her by staying too. I feel guilty for thinking of possibly splitting up our home even though she is the one who put us in this position.

I hate this bouncing around. I hate the fact that in one day I can feel 100% like staying, leaving, indifferent... over and over.

[This message edited by burntandtorn at 5:26 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]

somanyyears posted 12/1/2013 08:58 AM

..bandt...sorry you are here, with the rest of us 'schmucks' but what you are experiencing is that horrible roller coaster of emotions, up one hour, down the next..

..and yes, it's not something that seems to pass very quickly.

Read from the Healing Library (top, left yellow box)

..take care of your health and I agree with you, booze never helps this situation. You and she need a clear mind to deal with the realities you are both facing now.

..more will come to help you sort out so many aspects of this disaster.. but you will come thru it, in time.


[This message edited by somanyyears at 8:59 AM, December 1st (Sunday)]

LetMeRollIt posted 12/1/2013 09:00 AM

Same here, 5 months out.

Have been leaning towards D for a couple weeks, but before that I thought we were going to make it.

burntandtorn posted 12/1/2013 09:13 AM

sounds horrible man. How long does a person live with that feeling? I know you don't have an answer, but that is what keeps popping into my head. How long do you just keep going hoping that one day you won't feel that way?

Daisy312 posted 12/1/2013 09:23 AM

Sorry to be the downer here, but I'm 18 mo out and I'm still on the rollercoaster from hell! I must admit though the low days are not as often, and I'm functioning so much better. I go days without crying the first year it was almost daily. What's helping is my FWH is doing everything he can to try and fix our m and himself. He's even started ic which was very uncomfortable for him. I'm hoping with time and my ic it will get better. I also keep telling myself that I don't have to make a decision right now. Things are good I try an enjoy them an if I find I can't do it anymore I'll leave.

burntandtorn posted 12/1/2013 09:40 AM

I fear that I'm just trying to fix this because that is what I do. I fix things. The second she was crying and telling me everything about the affairs, I was comforting her.

I feel like it is my job to make sure everything is ok. Like it is my job to hold this family together. If we split up, somehow I failed.

HoldingTogether posted 12/1/2013 11:27 AM


In the days, and weeks, and months following Dday, I often felt as though I had developed some sort of post traumatic multiple personality disorder. I actually started referring to myself as alternately; Angry HT, Depressed HT, and Happy HT. Probably the worst and most surreal aspect of this fragmentation was this weird inability to actually relate or connect to one side of myself when experiencing another. To put it another way, when I was Angry HT I couldn't relate to, understand or even comprehend what the fuck I must have been thinking when I was Happy HT, and vice versa. When I was Happy HT I felt bad about what an asshole I was acting like when I was Angry HT. When I was Angry HT I was infuriated at myself for being so weak and pathetic when I was being Depressed HT. This inability to empathize with these other aspects of how I was feeling made it indescribably difficult to dig my way out of the pit when I would find myself feeling depressed or angry. I could tell myself all of the self affirming shit that I was thinking when I was Happy HT but I might as well have been saying "banana, banana, banana" for all the good it was doing me. Happy just didn't make sense when I was feeling down.

If reading that is hard to make sense of just imagine feeling it. Then again I don't suppose you need to imagine it... I would guess you are feeling some variant of it yourself. As has probably every BS on this site at one time or another. The good news is that, at three years out, I can tell you that this passes with time and work. I'm sorry that I can't give you a time frame on this, as we often say here: YMMV or "Your Milage May Vary". And I am sorry to say that even when it seems that it HAS passed, it's probably gonna come back from time to time for quite a while. It comes and goes. Eventually though it spends less time coming and more time going and gone. Hard to imagine when you are in it and it feels like this is your new life, but I promise you it gets better.

I feel like it is my job to make sure everything is ok. Like it is my job to hold this family together. If we split up, somehow I failed.

Check out my username. I can definitely relate to this feeling. It's not necessarily a completely bad thing. That feeling that I was the one and only thing holding my family together? That I was the one willing to sacrifice, and suffer and work and go to any lengths to keep our family together? That feeling became a big foundational piece of my rebuilding my sense of myself as a man. My FWW's affair was such a devastating blow to my masculinity, to my sense of myself and my masculine identity that I was forced to rebuild that shit from the ground up. My feelings that a real man doesn't quit when shit gets hard, that a man is the rock that holds his family together through the storm? Those feelings and ideals helped me to get through this mess and still feel like I was a man of value and deserving of respect. I came perilously close to loosing that sense of worth for myself. If a willingness to go to almost any length to save my family helped me to find that respect for myself again? Well that's a positive in my book.

That being said, you can sometimes take that shit too far. Good news is that this to passes. In time you will doubtless decide that there is a limit to how far you are willing to sacrifice. That there is a limit to just how much you are willing to give up of your own pride and happiness. Hopefully when you reach that point. When the real anger begins to set in? Hopefully by then your WW will be in a place that she can start to pick up the majority of that load. That or you will finally reach your limit and divorce her.

In my case my FWW has done an admirable job of picking up her end of the deal. We have about as successful a reconciliation as I think it's possible to ask for at 3 years in. These days it's not just me "holding us together" these days we are "holdingtogether" together.

How cool is that?

Once again I have become preachy and long winded. But the long and short of it is this: These things get better. No matter what happens, R or D, you will get better. Believe that. You are stronger than you can possibly imagine, all that is required is the courage to persevere.

On a side note, I would encourage you to come pay a visit to some of us guys that hangout in "Betrayed Men" in the "I can relate" forum. It's a great bunch of betrayed men that can help you with some of the difficulties specific to men in this shit storm of infidelity.

Wishing you strength and peace,

burntandtorn posted 12/1/2013 11:32 AM

Thanks holdingtogether.

burntandtorn posted 12/3/2013 08:19 AM

I don't know if I can do this. I'm living in hell.

I love her so much and don't want to lose her. I don't want to lose half of my time with my kids. I don't want to lose the future we planned.

every day I'm just tied up in a knot. I may get a few minutes of rest, usually when she's home from work but most of the day I'm just completely anxious and panic stricken. (I work from home, so I have all day to myself).

She wants to reconcile. Claims it will never happen again now that her absolute lowest and worst has been exposed. I want to be able to do that but I just have that constant feeling that there are more secrets. That I'll discover something new any second.

I don't know if I can ever trust her. The stories of people triggering after years terrify me, I can't live that way. I just feel so hopeless. There is no direction to go right now that doesn't result in misery. Everyone says that time heals, so I'm going through the motions. I just don't know which life of mysery is doable.

I don't want to throw everything away because of my pain right now, but I also can't be hurting like this in years. I wish the roller coaster would stop. I'd give anything for the "flatness" I've heard other people talk about.

Marathonwaseasy posted 12/3/2013 08:25 AM

I'm at work and meant to be working but couldn't ignore your distress
I'm nearly 3 months in and the flatness has only started appearing in the past week. It's not fun (what is any more?) but it beats the absolute agony of the first 8 weeks.
You have given good reasons to not exclude the possibility of R. Hold onto those. You can make a decision another day.
Now is about survival. Just survival
Try to eat healthily (even if you can't eat much at least eat well when you can)
Try to sleep (medication if you need)
Don't drink alcohol
Try a little exercise

You are not alone

burntandtorn posted 12/3/2013 11:40 AM

today is being one of the hardest. I keep breaking down. I don't think I can take more days like this. I'm not really functional.

I'm not sure R is possible.

Marathonwaseasy posted 12/3/2013 12:23 PM

None of us are sure at all times. I wasn't sure of much 4 weeks out. Including my name tbh.
Keep breathing
You don't need to know the future today
Just get some relief of your pain if you can.
It will be better at some point
I can't say when but you're a day closer to that point than you were yesterday

ItsaClimb posted 12/3/2013 12:56 PM

burntandtorn, I think many of us can identify with what you are feeling, those first few months are brutal! I posted this a while back and I think it may help you.
Hang in there, it does eventually get better!

burntandtorn posted 12/4/2013 11:51 AM

We had a long talk last night. It feels good to tell her with complete honesty how I feel. I always feel better after talking to her.

One day at a time I guess. We'll see.

burntandtorn posted 12/5/2013 10:51 AM

Our latest talk, I think, brought her to the reality of the place we're at. I am not sugar coating my emotions, I'm not holding back (I'm not being mean either). Just completely honest.

She seemed to realize that if we're going to try for R, it isn't going to be by rugsweeping.
She has agreed to things that she previously tried to downplay (like my insistence on zero alcohol, possibly forever). Basically, she's doing everything she can, and showing true remorse.

When I'm with her physically, I feel the possibility of R. When I'm alone, that nagging doubt that I'll ever be able to move on from her betrayal just keeps tugging at me. I know, I know... I'm giving it time.

[This message edited by burntandtorn at 4:48 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]

1owner posted 12/5/2013 14:54 PM

Sorry you are going through this!

Every emotion you've described I went through as well in the weeks after dday. The rollercoaster is a rough ride, but normal for where you are at now. Flatness is most likely coming soon, be sure to post here as you go through it.

I'm about 4.5 months out from dday. We were trying to R, it was only so-so for a while. The flatness was upon me. I didn't know how to break it. I think I just had to mentally let go of my old marriage. A couple of weeks ago I had to be out of town on business, communication with W was not great during that time, and because of that I fully expected to return to divorce papers. I was ok with that, in fact I was looking forward to it knowing I would be happy again when the dust settled.

To my suprise, I came back to a changed woman. She is wholeheartedly wanting to R, and I am happy with that. I would be just as happy to D.

I had to let go of a marriage that failed. I had to make my happiness without depending on her for any of it. I became stronger, strong enough to R or D and be happy with either.

You will become stronger as well as time passes. Post often as you go through the stages, this site has been a great help to me.

Good luck!

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