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Newest Member: new2this2 (45757)

User Topic: Need feedback from both WS and BS Please
Leafan1976
♂ 36338
Member # 36338
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone. I have a question for you all today.

My WW and I are truly on the same page ... R is what we both want. We have talked so much about the A, the reasons why, the feelings that came out during and after. It's crazy hard to hear her say she Loved him.

But the fact is she did. I accept that. I can not change that. I had posted the other day, about her wanting to contact him. For the record she wanted to contact him to apologize for saying some really mean and flat out rude things to him when she told him to go away and fuck off.
Saying she has an emotional attachment to him. But I think we have actually gotten to the roots of it all the last couple days. For the first time in a very long time I feel there is a light at the end if the tunnel.

We have discussed this in serious depth. None of you can sit here and say every A is the same. So I feel every R can't be the same either.

My question is we want to R but I also don't think she deserves to be punished for the rest of her life. I want her to be happy with me. Not just here taking her punishment because she feels guilty. So how do we restore the security and trust we both need from each other without being rude. Without "punishing" ??

I honestly believe in my heart that true love exists. That I have it with her. Even at our worst she never left for him. She always told him she will never leave me, once there was even a witness to this. The guy was on his knees crying and begging her to leave me. But she said HELL no she loved me. I know she hurt me very bad. Trust me I am in a lot if pain here. But I still love her. I want to make her happy. I want to show her she is secure with me. Over the last 3 years since discovery I have kicked her out or left numerous times. Often saying some very hurtful things. I have hurt her deeply too.

I guess my question is have any if you gotten through a R without following the "rules" on this forum.


Me- 37 BS Her - 32 WW (LTA)
Married 13 years
OM was an issue the whole time. An ex.
LTA went on through the majority of our M
Working on R
2 kids one 2 1/2 boy one 12 yo daughter

Posts: 50 | Registered: Aug 2012
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BH always said he is not a 180 kind of guy. We reconciled and did well, but with lots of ups and downs.

Everyone feels like their situation is different, that they can heal quickly because of love. My BH was told to look out for TT and he got angry. He felt there was no way. He was wrong. He also didn't buy into the 2-5 years to heal thing. Wrong again.

You have to follow what feels right for you, but definitely don't discount what more experienced and BTDT knowledge from others here.

We made it, 6 years later and we are reconciled. H and I were both here and we battled it out for sure, but it worked.

I think if you're both willing, act as a team in your M and your R, willing to acknowledge that there will be many, many tough days, it is doable.

ETA One other thing...my BH thought he could 'nice' me back into the marriage, that his love was enough. It wasn't until I realized I could lose him, when he realized he would be okay with or without me, that I really started to get it, own my shit, and come completely clean. You don't have to punish, but you definitely can't be a doormat.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:22 AM, December 1st (Sunday)]


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38704 | Registered: Sep 2007
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What suggestions do you think not apply?

Why?


I did the opposite of a lot of the suggestions here. There was no 180 or detaching. There was no fix ourselves first then the relationship. It was all worked on together. It worked for us because it was a better fit for our situation. The general consensus doesn't always fit.

What is unique about your situation that would make the general consensus not fit?

[This message edited by Chicho at 9:50 AM, December 1st (Sunday)]


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Aug 2012
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I can say without question that it's a bumpy road for everyone.
And she didn't love him. she loved the way she felt about herself when she was getting her ego stroked.
And she doesn't owe an apology to someone who she never should have had a relationship with in the first place, although I admire her honesty.

good luck!


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5535 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
RipsInMyChest
♀ 41166
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure what part of the formula you are questioning. My H and I are not in MC. We have good communication and are doing fairly well. My anger subsided a lot when my FWH really started to "get it". His understanding came through my sharing of ALL of my feelings...anger, sadness, resentment, etc. Now that he has walked the dark paths with me, I have in turn let go of the need to "punish". This can only happen when you KNOW your WS really understands the damage done to you. Do not minimize for the sake of less conflict. It's not about punishment...it's about making sure you both understand the pain and damage.


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 284 | Registered: Oct 2013
Ascendant
♂ 38303
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I would agree that every attempt at reconciliation looks a little bit different, I'd caution you against assuming that you're the exception to the rule. There have been a great many BSes on here that feel like you do, only to have a second DDAY down the road or some TT, or broken NC, or whatever. The reason there is a loose collection of general ideas or principles on here is because 40k+ people have come together and found some common threads about what is and/or isn't effective in a great many cases.

That being said, there's absolutely nothing wrong with being nice to your wife if you two are seriously trying to reconcile. My only advice would be to be true to your feelings in the moment. If you feel angry, be angry. Don't swallow it down in some misplaced attempt to "be nice".

To add on to what other people have said...she didn't love him. Love doesn't hide. What she was experiencing was a rush of various chemicals to the brain that generate a euphoric feeling. Any 8th-grader can experience that.

I don't say that to put down your wife, only to say that love is a choice...love is an action....love doesn't need to hide from the light. Could she have treated him nicely in superficial ways? Sure. But if she truly loved him, then why would she share her body with someone else?


I have a competition in me.

Posts: 2262 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
HardenMyHeart
♂ 15902
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

we want to R but I also don't think she deserves to be punished for the rest of her life.

We hold onto anger when the person that has caused us the damage/pain has not been punished enough or not done enough to mitigate the damage.

Personally, I don't believe in punishing a WS. If they are truly remorseful, then they have their own guilt to deal with. I would not wish that on anyone.

if you gotten through a R without following the "rules" on this forum.

There are no rules to R. Here are some hi-level guidelines I followed during R:
1. Heal from the affair (get to a point where the anger has mostly subsided, you're not obsessed about the affair, and you are able to truly forgive)
2. Address pre-affair marital issues (determine each others most important emotional needs and work towards satisfying them)
3. Reestablish emotional intimacy (i.e. No more secrets. You should be able to discuss each others hopes, dreams, fears and there are no longer any major negative feelings about the other person)
4. Continue spiritual growth (this means continue learning and understanding the things that give meaning to life)

In my opinion, love is helping to foster and nurture the spiritual growth of another. It's not some romantic or lustful image that Hollywood or romance novels portray.

There are many good books that can guide you through the 4 steps above. Of course, you can also hire an IC to help you work through these as well.

If you want R to happen more quickly, then lose the anger (which is much easier said then done). Anger is poison to R. The affair has given you a unique opportunity to explore this anger that is raging inside. Instead of giving into the anger and negative feelings that emerge, take a step back and understand what is happening. For me, when anger hits my thought process is 1) understand the cause, 2) let it go, 3) acknowledge the cessation of the anger, 4) move on.

I considered my marriage happily reconciled at about 18 months out. At that time, I felt we were at step 3 above. Step 4 is a lifelong journey.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 11:00 AM, December 1st (Sunday)]


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5719 | Registered: Aug 2007
Leafan1976
♂ 36338
Member # 36338
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To add on to what other people have said...she didn't love him. Love doesn't hide. What she was experiencing was a rush of various chemicals to the brain that generate a euphoric feeling. Any 8th-grader can experience that
.

So Love is not real.... Just a chemical reaction? I guess marriage is just a business relationship then?

I don't say that to put down your wife, only to say that love is a choice...love is an action....love doesn't need to hide from the light. Could she have treated him nicely in superficial ways? Sure. But if she truly loved him, then why would she share her body with someone else

By this you are in fact saying that she doesn't love me? Or didn't Love me. Man this is getting confusing lol


Me- 37 BS Her - 32 WW (LTA)
Married 13 years
OM was an issue the whole time. An ex.
LTA went on through the majority of our M
Working on R
2 kids one 2 1/2 boy one 12 yo daughter

Posts: 50 | Registered: Aug 2012
HardenMyHeart
♂ 15902
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What she was experiencing was a rush of various chemicals to the brain that generate a euphoric feeling.

I believe FacePunched was trying to point out the difference between infatuation and the love associated with a mature relationship (forgive me FP if I am putting words in your mouth).

Here is a link to a brief article that compares the differences between infatuation and love:
http://www.diffen.com/difference/Infatuation_vs_Love

So Love is not real.... Just a chemical reaction?

You might also find the Wikipedia definition of limerence to be helpful as well:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 3:42 PM, December 1st (Sunday)]


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5719 | Registered: Aug 2007
wifehad5
♂ 15162
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who is punishing her? Who is saying you should punish her? What kind of punishment are you talking about?


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 37632 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Topic Posts: 10

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