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User Topic: He admits he is sabotaging our relationship
NaiveAgain
♀ 20849
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So on top of my depression and feeling isolated and empty and utterly alone, my SO lied to me a couple days ago. About something really stupid, he lied about the price he paid for his iphone. He also lied to me about stopping on his way home for a slushie (WTF!) Why would I care if he stops for a slushie or not?

Well, after talking this to death over the past evening, he said he thinks he is sabotaging because he was told as a child that he is worthless, so he doesn't feel worthy of me. He knows lying is a HUGE trigger/red flag for me because of WS. And he left the evidence for me to find, so he wasn't really trying to hide the stuff.

It is stupid little stuff that I don't care about, but I went into shock over the lies because it felt like a betrayal again. Our relationship is supposed to be built on complete trust.

He said since he started counseling a few months ago, he is being forced to deal with his issues instead of compartmentalize them like he has his whole life. I know that is good but now I am thinking why do I want to deal with this?

We have been together 11 months now. He has treated me extraordinarily. Put me first, prioritize our relationship, work on getting along with my family, asked me to meet his family (I accompanied him to a wedding last weekend.) He says he knows he wants this, he is happier in this relationship than he has ever been, but he is scared of doing something stupid to wreck it. I think that is a self-fulfilling prophecy but he is going to address that this week in counseling.

I'm just tired of this shit. I know he is a good man and I know it would be worth it to hang on here a bit because he does work very hard on his issues and he has done a lot of self-growth the past couple years.

He has decided (his own idea) to be so completely transparent about everything to help gain my trust again. I mean, it isn't infidelity, but it is something that could grow down a bad path if we don't work on it now while it is stupid little things. So he calls me when he is buying stuff and shows me receipts because he also said money has always been a private issue and he wants to show me how sincere he is. I appreciate the effort but with my depression, I just don't want to deal with this.

I'm back to crying again. I need some happy pills, now!

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 9:54 AM, December 1st (Sunday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15399 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
FaithFool
♀ 20150
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aw honey, big hugs. That sucks bigtime.

My ex used to play that game all the time. He would lie about something like forgetting to pick up something I'd asked him to get, then watch me get pissed and wound up, then pull out the thing I'd asked him to get and laugh at me for getting pissed.

I never sat down to analyze why he felt he had to do that.

I know now I probably should have.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17691 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
phmh
♀ 34146
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((NaiveAgain)))

I wish you the best of luck in figuring out how to handle this situation.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3465 | Registered: Dec 2011
better4me
♀ 30341
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((NaiveAgain))
I hope he figures this sh*t out, cuz it would be enough for me to throw in the towel if it continued. But those are my issues, because ex did this a lot.

"Not feeling worthy of me" yep--btdt--not a good thing at all...

I know he is a good man and I know it would be worth it to hang on here a bit because he does work very hard on his issues and he has done a lot of self-growth the past couple years.
Therapy works, so give him some time to continue to work on this and get out of that negative mind space etc. I might suggest reassessing this issue in 3 to 4 months (put it on the calendar) to see what growth he's made...


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:53
Divorced

Posts: 3235 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
nowiknow23
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((NA))))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 26152 | Registered: Aug 2011
NaiveAgain
♀ 20849
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never sat down to analyze why he felt he had to do that.
That is just plain cruel, doing that to get a reaction from you.

I wish you the best of luck in figuring out how to handle this situation.
Thank you

Therapy works, so give him some time to continue to work on this and get out of that negative mind space etc. I might suggest reassessing this issue in 3 to 4 months (put it on the calendar) to see what growth he's made...
I think that might be the route I go. I'm not ready to throw in the towel because he is the best one I've been with yet and he has so many positive attributes, but low self-esteem really sucks to deal with.

Thanks for the hugs Nik.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15399 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
PurpleRose
♀ 33129
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well that really is hurtful. I'm sorry he does this, but I do think its a good sign that he recognizes the behavior as unacceptable a dn is willing to talk about it and be proactive in fixing it. That's good right?

And this ....

He would lie about something like forgetting to pick up something I'd asked him to get, then watch me get pissed and wound up, then pull out the thing I'd asked him to get and laugh at me for getting pissed

The Dooosh did that same shit all the time! To me and to the kids. The kids HATe it. I used to tell him it was not funny, and not appreciated. But he did what he wanted. Sigh.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3630 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
FaithFool
♀ 20150
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I call it "Lucy with the football syndrome".

He thought it was just joking around, but I see now that it is a deep flaw in his personality that compels him to do stuff like that. It is who he is.

He showed me, continuously, and I didn't get it.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17691 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Crescita
♀ 32616
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has decided (his own idea) to be so completely transparent about everything to help gain my trust again. I mean, it isn't infidelity, but it is something that could grow down a bad path if we don't work on it now while it is stupid little things. So he calls me when he is buying stuff and shows me receipts because he also said money has always been a private issue and he wants to show me how sincere he is. I appreciate the effort but with my depression, I just don't want to deal with this.

This kind of transparency is likely to exhaust both of you. I think it might be better to have an honest conversation about finances and what you hope to achieve individually and as a couple. It seems to me he is feeling guilty for spending frivolously and projecting his judgment on you. Might be best to figure out the whys of it and reassure him that how he spends his money is his choice, and you trust him to make wise long term decisions. If he needs help tracking his spending there are plenty of options that don’t involve the tedious, and resentment building, girlfriend as monitor.

Good luck! It is very encouraging that he is in counseling and trying to figure all this out with you.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3521 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
NaiveAgain
♀ 20849
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This kind of transparency is likely to exhaust both of you.
YES! I told him I really don't want to hear what he orders at the drive thru!

I think it might be better to have an honest conversation about finances and what you hope to achieve individually and as a couple
We have talked quite a bit about finances. You are right, he does have a problem with spending and feels guilt from it. He tends to be an impulse buyer.

When he bought his ipod/phone gadget/whatever it is, I told him I could care less. I told him I wouldn't spend that on one of those things because I don't have a use for it, but he is a technical geek and loves new technology. Since he is working, as long as he pays his bills, who cares what he does with the rest of his money? He gives me a little bit out of each check to help with car maintenance and gas because we take my car most of the time, and he is also putting a set amount into savings each month towards our future. He takes me out to eat and to a movie once a month. So he doesn't have to justify to me what he does with the rest, but he said this is FOO issues and his gma used to watch his every penny and get on him all the time about spending and saving. So he knows where it is coming from and is working on these things.

If he needs help tracking his spending there are plenty of options that don’t involve the tedious, and resentment building, girlfriend as monitor.
Ooh, I hadn't thought about the resentment part.

Good luck! It is very encouraging that he is in counseling and trying to figure all this out with you.
Thank you! This is why I am sticking with this one. He IS working on his issues and has made very noticeable progress since I first met him. I am kind of worried about getting another half-baked cake here, and with my own triggers some of this stuff is scary for me. But so far we have been able to talk everything through. But damn, this relationship stuff isn't for the weak of heart.....


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15399 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
FaithFool
♀ 20150
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

his gma used to watch his every penny and get on him all the time about spending and saving.

Is this the one who is/was living with the controlling grandmother, or am I thinking about someone else?


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17691 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
InnerLight
♀ 19946
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the same one.

NA - Don't let him put you in the momma or gma role! That's what he is doing by coming to you with receipts. This is not what a man does. This is what a child does. Good thing he's in counseling.

Whenever you feel exhausted or resentful this is the symptom of being in that momma role. I imagine that's almost automatic for you to take on but don't you do this! Kiss of death for relationships.


BS, now age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years M and 20 together. In some ways I have not 'gotten over it'. But I am resilient and have created a good life where I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5895 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
NaiveAgain
♀ 20849
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FF, yes this is the same one. Although he worked that out really well for me. He made it clear to her that I am his priority. If she needs him for something, he will keep his prior plans with me and then help her out at a later date. I am going there for his family's Christmas celebration and he actually spent Thanksgiving with my family. He is also coming to my family's for Christmas. He also spends way more time at my home and with me than he does there. Since he works night shift now, he comes here to sleep, spend the waking hours before work, and then goes back to work. He only goes back to her place a couple days a week.

Don't let him put you in the momma or gma role! That's what he is doing by coming to you with receipts
Actually he was only doing that to help me build my trust back after he lied to me about his purchases. I think there are 2 issues going on here. The first is the financial stuff which I think we will work out fine. I don't think this will last as far as him showing me his receipts because it will get old for both of us because it is a lot of work and bother.

The bigger issue here was the lying, which he knows I can't deal with, and which he thinks may be a sabotage thing because he said he is pretty much waiting for the other shoe to drop and me to tell him to just go home and not come back. It's funny because I am waiting for that shoe to drop too. We get along so well and are generally so happy together. Neither one of us are used to being in healthy, fulfilling relationships. We both have our insecurities we are trying to work thru together. I know I just have to relax and sit back and let this take its' course. It will either work out or it won't.

He tells me and he shows me continuously that he is committed to me and "us" so that is good. It is just scary to hear him talk about his issues like the sabotage thing. I am glad he can talk to me about them and I am glad he acknowledges them and is working on them. Still scary though.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 12:16 PM, December 2nd (Monday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15399 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Topic Posts: 13

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