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In love with being loved ?

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FindingOut posted 12/1/2013 11:16 AM

I have a SO who I care for deeply. I've known him for two years now, it's a bit of a LDR and some compromise on my part as he has young children who spend most of their time with him, my family is grown up now both still at home, although very independent. It seems to be working out well, I'm certainly not wanting any more than we have now, the amount of time we spend together is fine. I get along great with his children and it's a nice balance of alone time for me during the week ...maybe one night with him n a weeknight, and most weekends together.

I've said those three little words ....I love you ...and he seems delighted to hear it. However he's not saying it back and it's making me feel terrible. I know it's not right that he says it when he doesn't feel it...but if I could eat my words I would. I'm thinking if he doesn't feel it now (and he says he doesn't ..but that he cares for me a lot and I am special to him) well he's never going to feel it. He's kind and caring to me, really takes care of me when I'm at his home, I feel like he loves me, which sounds crazy, because it couldn't be clearer that he doesn't.

Why can't I be satisfied with some who treats me well, is respectful and caring, likes spending time with me etc. my WH told me he didnt love me, that he loved someone else, it felt like my insides were being ripped out.. Perhaps I'm just looking to replace the love, that I'm just desperate to be loved again.

better4me posted 12/1/2013 12:30 PM

Considering this:

I'm thinking if he doesn't feel it now (and he says he doesn't...well he's never going to feel it.

Maybe you're hurting about this because you want to be loved by someone who can open his heart enough to risk being in love? You say you're satisfied with the amount of time you spend together, and are happy with all but this aspect of the relationship...but there is nothing wrong in wanting to be loved as well as being treated well and being cared for. I don't think it really is about "being in love with being loved", but wanting what you have given, returned. And maybe not having it "all" is no longer enough for you? Or is becoming not enough for you?

Someone recently broke up a new relationship with me because he thought I would fall in love with him and he knew he wouldn't fall in love with me. It hurt, but as time goes on I'm grateful for his honesty...because I really do want it "all"...
You could be right that he has the feelings and just not the words, but is that enough??

Just some ideas to think will figure out what you need, give yourself some time to struggle and be kind to yourself. You're not "desperate" you are human!!

meaniemouse posted 12/1/2013 14:38 PM

FindingOut---even though he hasn't said it to you and says he doesn't feel it, that doesn't make you wrong for saying, "I love you." And even though he says he doesn't feel it now doesn't mean he never will. I think a lot of people throw around the "love" word, some mean it, some don't. Plus, love means different things to different people.

Love is a gift--not only to others, but mostly to ourselves. Just because you gave it doesn't make it any less valuable because your SO didn't say it back. If you are looking to replace love or want to be loved again--be your own best friend and love YOU. You are worth it, you deserve it. People come in and out of our lives and sometimes take their love with them, but the relationship we have with our own self is where everything good starts.

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