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When hysterical bonding wears off

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loglyn2 posted 12/1/2013 12:46 PM

So we are about 4 weeks out from d-day and working on moving on. WH has been very good with honesty, very affectionate, which he never was before.

I feel like the hugging, kissing, wanting to be physically close to me is starting to wane and I feel really uncomfortable about it. I am so not healed and not ready for this to be swept under the rug. He is either getting comfortable, like dodging a bullet or he's going rogue again. I have found no evidence of him breaking NC.

So how do you deal with things when this period ends.

Skan posted 12/1/2013 13:05 PM

By only doing what you feel like you can do. By him getting himself into IC and figuring out why it was OK for him to betray you. By you being honest with him about how you are feeling and by him doing the work and taking actions that show that he is in the marriage for the long haul. By being honest with each other.

HB is absolutely lovely while it's happening. But the rollercoaster will go up and down. And both of you need to understand and accept that. Him especially. I know that I had to physically withdraw from my FWH on more than one occasion. And I may have to again, at some point. But if all that's holding you together is sex, then that isn't enough. (((hugs)))

steadfast1973 posted 12/1/2013 13:06 PM

I am making an effort it keep it going. But I've always had a strong libido (he simply chose to serve his needs himself, while neglecting mine... And when porn/his hand/toys weren't enough, He no longer considered me an option... I guess he convinced himself that sex wasn't my thing... And moved on to a "high end escort"). His libido is also strong, (Sex/porn addict) so, If he pulls away again, I will assume his needs are met elsewhere, and I will be done.

loglyn2 posted 12/1/2013 13:12 PM

It wasn't the sex during HB so much as the physical/emotional closeness. He held me a lot, expressed his love in words and touches. He held me tighter then ever before. I just don't want him to shut down again.

womaninflux posted 12/1/2013 13:22 PM

Is he in IC? Are you in MC? Is he out of "the fog?" He may be encountering a lot of guilt about what he has done and is struggling with this. Or he may think he has done his work and he's ready to move on. He needs to understand this is a trauma to you and needs to treat it as such.

loglyn2 posted 12/1/2013 13:49 PM

We are not in counseling. I have never found it to be effective for me. We are trying to keep communication open and ongoing. He's never been one to talk about feelings, he was raised not to I accepted that a long time ago. This last month he has been more open and communicative then he has been in the 20 years we have been together.

womaninflux posted 12/1/2013 19:15 PM

My suggestion is for you guys to read and discuss books about what has happened. "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" is one. "After the Affair" is another. "Not Just Friends" is another one that gets mentioned here a lot. From what I have read in the last 9 months, it is VERY difficult to recover from this with professional help, let alone without it. Not saying it can't be done - I'm sure there are people who succeed because they are both willing to do the work - but if it is done it should be done in a healthful, sustainable way for both people. You need to agree on boundaries, etc.

LA44 posted 12/1/2013 19:30 PM

I do agree w what WiF wrote. That was a High Cost Behavior (as per the book After the Affair which was mentioned) for me. H had to get himself in there or get his stuff and go. I also go. In the new year we will be adressing some issues - seperate from the A -that I struggle with and cause stress in our marriage.

The bonding wore off after about 4-5 months for us but things are still very good. If H hadn't "owned" it and stepped up every single day we would not be together let alone having a healthy sex life. He has read Aftert the Affair, How to Help Your Spouse Heal and the numerous articles in the Healing Library.

Good luck loglyn2.

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