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This new normal

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Jules1111 posted 12/1/2013 13:38 PM

I am not ok with this new normal. I'm just not. He can call and act fine, he is living next door with his parents (we actually BUILT a house next to them 6 years ago) for the time being (there is no money for a second place to live). I am stuck like this for at least 2 more years. I do not think I can do this. I just can't. I feel like I am at his mercy and dependent on him financially, bc I am. But he has no idea how to balance a checkbook or pay a bill. He hasn't done that in 14 years. Not once. He works, I pay what needs to get paid. So here I am trying to run a house, take care of kids, study for finals, and stop my brain from terrifying the shit out of me with "what if's" an reminders that this is happening. I keep reading time heals, but thats not helping. I'm trying to 180. I'm trying to tell myself I will be better and fine and the worst is over, and that I can forge a stronger happier person, but my heart and mind tell me that is a bunch of crap. the truth is I am wounded and I cannot see the light. This hurts to bad. And thought I have many close friends an outed the double betrayal, they can all be there for me as much as they can, I can cry and vent to them, but its still me left alone to deal with this. I know I sound like a whiney baby but I cannot help it. I don't want to be bitter. But I am . I just cannot see how I will ever trust again or how my life will ever be ok again. I keep thinking I will end up alone and miserable. Ridiculous I know, but it is what it is. I mourn for the old husband. Bc I never ever saw him doing this. No one did. It doesnt help that no one can believe it either. Especially with who he chose. I keep telling myself he is broken, not me. but it feels like I am broken and I am dying. 3 spoonfulls of cereal and I want to vomit. I hate this. Sorry for my rant. I ned to get this out.

solus sto posted 12/1/2013 13:48 PM

(((Jules))) It is horrible. Just horrible.

But don't mistake this for anything resembling "normal." It's not, and it WON'T be what your life is, long-term.

Whether you R or D, you will forge a new happiness, a new real "normal."

What you're going through now will pass. I know it seems impossible. I know that time is a four-letter word. But it's true.

You will not only survive, but thrive.

For now, be gentle with yourself. Eat frequent, tiny "meals" (it sounds like your body responds the way mine did), drink plenty of fluid. Exercise each day. Rest when you can. Breathe deeply.

It gets better. It sucks that it should have to, but it does.

Jules1111 posted 12/1/2013 14:14 PM

I just freaked out Bc I realized he will never hug me and tell me everything will be all right ever again. I no longer have him as my partner when I am scared and worried. My kids hug me now. Its not the same and I just want to sleep for a year and wake up fine.

Jocelyn posted 12/1/2013 17:06 PM

I'm sorry Jules. I'm with just a few weeks ahead of you in this journey and know exactly how you feel. I just want to go to sleep, wake up and this pain be done and over. Time machine stat. :(

loyalwoman posted 12/1/2013 17:12 PM

Big hugs Jules.

I understand wanting to sleep until this is all over and wake up with things better somehow. I think I've tried that off and on, but it never works. As hard as it is, the only way it gets better is as we do the work through it. I'm not ashamed to admit some nights I've taken an ativan to stop the pain and anxiety so I can sleep because I'm overwhelmed and can't take any more for the day. I think we all find our ways to cope. And this whole community is here and will be here for you as you learn this.

What I encourage most (when I remember to say it) is being gentle with yourself and not being upset with yourself for your reactions, whatever they may be. They're all part of the process. We will all get through this.

whyme1525 posted 12/1/2013 18:01 PM

Jules1111 you're not being a baby at all we all have gone thru what you are feeling im a couple of month's ahead of you and I still don't know what I'm doing one minute I'm fine the next I can't believe what my wife did to me and my life and just want to be done with her.. it is very hard to except that no matter what we chose to do it's a new normal they destroyed what our normal was.. All I can say is I know how you feel and to keep posting this site will definitely help.........

refuz2bavictim posted 12/2/2013 02:32 AM

You don't have to be ok with any of this.

I do wonder though, if having you and the kids right next door to him is making this waaaay to comfortable for him. He gets to have you send the kids over to his parents so he can play happy family, while you sit alone next door. Then he sends them back to you, so he can go on with this new fantasy he's created. He's cake eating.

I really really don't think this is good for you.

I wish there was a way for him to experience the reality of his choice that isn't at your expense. Do you have any friends you could go "visit" for a while (with the kids)?

Jules1111 posted 12/2/2013 07:04 AM

No. I am stuck here. He works a lot of shift work. He saw the kids for about 20 minutes yesterday for the first time in 2 days Bc DS had friends over and couldn't go see him. He is a good dad even if I found out he is a shifty husband. I have no choice but to stay here. I am trying to 180 him. Woke up to realize I have been rejected and by who with who and the pain came crashing down. I have to get out of bed today. I have a presentation tomorrow at school I need to finish and its my birthday so I don't want the kids to see me sad.

anewday78 posted 12/2/2013 08:45 AM

Jules, I've been thinking a lot about your situation this morning and last night. I know what I'm about to say to you is nothing you already don't know or haven't been told by other posters here and it may be little comfort to you, but this fantasy land your husband is living in right now is going to come crashing down on him. It's just a matter of time. You said in a previous post that you saw panic rush over your husband's face when he heard that OW's son talked to your son about his parents' divorce. Does your H think that your children aren't going to eventually find out? Does he think that if he keeps it a secret from them for now that he can divorce you and then, magically 6 months after the divorce tell the kids that he's seeing OW (if the "relationship" even makes it that far)? What he doesn't realize is that he has lost control of this situation. A huge spotlight has now been shining on it and word gets around fast. Not to mention, he's got an angry, betrayed husband to contend with now. That guy is NOT going to go silently into the night. I predict that OW's son is going to be the one to break the news to your son and it's going to make your husband come hurling down from his pedestal. That's when reality will set in for him - when he has to look his son in the eyes and see the disappointment and utter disgust. He will never be super-dad again. He'll be a liar and a cheat who can't ever be fully trusted again.
Furthermore, his relationship with OW may be all sparkly right now, but from how you've described her, she's not a good person let alone a good partner. Once reality sets in, how will he react when she calls him an idiot in front of HIS children? Oh, make no mistake, she WILL eventually take that tone with him - after all, you can't teach an old dog new tricks. At that point, he'll have to live with his poor choices and I hope you'll have long moved on by that point.
I have no doubts that eventually he'll be a hysterical, sobbing, snot-dripping, pathetic mess begging for your forgiveness on bended-knee on your doorstep and I hope you have the satisfaction of telling him to get lost and learn to love the new reality he created for not only himself but the family he blew up.

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