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Godsgirl posted 12/1/2013 14:53 PM

My 1st DDay was 4 years ago this week. I've gone through quite a lot since that day. My SAWH is still in IC and a SA group. He's one of those guys whose always helped around the house and with the kids and likes to spend as much time with us as a family as he can. He's working on empathy and communicating his feelings and not falling back to his SA. But with every good step, I feel like there is still no intimacy between us (sexually, spiritually, or emotionally). I just feel done.

I realize that in many ways I have a great H but I'm tired of hoping and waiting for the other side of the infidelity rainbow. You know where you have this new, wonderful M. I believe that M's facing SA take much longer than the usual 3-5 years of healing. But I'm tired of waiting and hoping.

My SAWH knows how I'm feeling. I've told him that I just no longer care and I have a very hard time respecting him. I feel some guilt about expressing those feelings but I just couldn't keep them hidden anymore. I simply don't trust him. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust and forgive everything.

At this point, for my kids, I'm fine just living as roommates and parenting partners. But deep inside, it hurts. I want to feel deeply loved, cherished, and connected to another man.

I don't know what to do about how I'm feeling other than the 180 for my own peace of mind.

rachelc posted 12/1/2013 15:05 PM

Hugs gods girl! You've certainly had a lot to deal with. You're wanting to have more of a connection is something I'm dealing with now. I do have peace living here in the plain of lethal flatness. My husband is trying to honey-do list himself back into my good graces. I'm afraid it's too late.
Good luck! I hope some gives you better advice!!

SummerStorm21 posted 12/1/2013 15:56 PM

No advice here either, but a lot of understanding. I could easily be where you are in a few years. I'm pretty much there now. And I think that reality is really hitting home right now and that's why I'm an emotional mess. I can't possibly live this 'grey' life forever. He could though (shivers).

They have a chronic condition. At some point I have to accept that and deal or move on. I know I will eventually move on, if I am correct. I am too loving to live without any affection in return. And I want to do it before the only memories my kids have is of a distant Dad and a sad Mama.

Hugs.

rachelc posted 12/1/2013 16:09 PM

Summer, just offering hugs to you as well!

Lionne posted 12/1/2013 16:57 PM

I hear you. Holding you in the *LIGHT*

Godsgirl posted 12/1/2013 21:56 PM

Thanks for the support ladies!!!!!

inshockandhurt posted 12/2/2013 00:04 AM

I want to feel deeply loved, cherished,

I know what you mean right here. My husband is not a SA but I still feel like what he did ruined those feelings you mentioned, I don't feel deeply loved and I don't feel cherished. I feel like a piece of trash that was thrown out and then picked back up again when the shiny new toy broke. I struggle with wondering if I will ever feel that connection again.

((((Godsgirl))))

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