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Nowhere near indifference...

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WakingFromADream posted 12/2/2013 01:20 AM

It's only been about three months since the D was final and I feel like I'm walking around with a gut wound, holding my intestines in, and leaving a trail of blood behind me as I stumble through my existence.

There are some things that have been better. A few times recently I have felt the pure joy and excitement of just looking forward to spending time with friends doing things that I like. The new job is going well. Thanksgiving was great with DS having the chance to meet my grandparents. Christmas should be good as well and I have been invited over to a friends house for a NYE party.

But, those things seem to serve as the bright tops between the deep valleys that contain my own existence or possibly starting to come up from the depths like a struggling swimmer were before I was just drowned. The house is a disaster that I have done very little to improve since she moved out in July other than to take down any picture of her. I'm a good cook but, I've hardly been making anything. I haven't been going to sleep at a regular time and that messes with a lot of other things.

I just want to feel the joy and the light and the life in me again to the brim but I can't seem to get myself started. And I am so lonely and I just want to reach out to grab at someone else to hold onto but I know that's just a trap and an escape and would just be trying to fill this gaping wound I know I have with something rather than taking the time to allow it to heal. The thing is at this point I don't know how.

I don't know how to pick myself up, dust myself off and move on with my life. Maybe it's just that I'm in the middle of it and not on the other side so I don't have the perspective. Or possibly the patience. "It takes time"; I see that so often here. It take time to heal. It takes time to mend. It takes time to repair the damage that has been wrought whether the path be R or D. And it was made very apparent to me that I have not had enough time.

I have read that the opposite of love would be indifference; not hate. I understand that better now. XWW has apparently been diagnosed with cancer this past week and I initially feel a flash of white hot rage and an initial thought of "good, I hope it kills her"; and then a feeling of guilt at feeling that about the one who I thought I loved above all others. She is not my problem; it is not my problem except for how it affects DS. She made that abundantly clear by all of the support she sought from her "friend" and all of her inaction in trying to change anything. But it still feels like twisting the knife in another turn or two.

I thought I had been gaining space and time but, now it seems that I was more ignoring and avoiding.

TheAgonyOfIt posted 12/2/2013 02:46 AM

Hi waking

You are in mourning! You are grieving! Its terribly painful, like a death, but it really has to be gone through. Temporary respites are great, even essential, but , and fighting all your sad feelings really won't get you where you want to get to emotionally. Sounds crazy but if you can kind of embrace your sadness, and accept mourning as a painful but unfortunately unavoidable part of life, it might become a tiny bit more manageable. Read about loss, that might help and try not to isolate. Force yourself to see friends and family if nearby. Some things can't be rushed and mourning in its Many forms is an inescapable part of the human condition. It gets worse when energy is spent trying to resist it.

You will learn sooooooo much from this experience and it will one day serve you and those you love in ways you don't even know yet

And I am very sorry for your pain!!!


Thefly559 posted 12/2/2013 03:11 AM

Brother, I often wonder about indifference? When will I reach it? Will I know? Am I there yet? Do I even want to be there? I have that feeling too , that graphic gut falling out trail of blood feeling that you describe. We mask the pain with friends and things to occupy but it still festers. I often wonder if it is written on my face? Can people see through me? We need to heal first we need that dreaded time thing everyone talks about! You are on the right path , you sound like you are able to look at yourself and you know how you feel and where you need to be . That is great! You need to heal you and the rest will fall into place.
The cancer thing I cannot speak on but I can tell you there is a fine line between love and hate and I often wish pain on the person who I wasted 19 years with. So that feeling is normal I believe.
I do wish you the best in your recovery and they say it takes up to 5 years to heal. I know people who never healed and ones that healed or pretend to in months. Guess it all depends on your actions. I am sorry and I am here with you . Stay strong.

Pass posted 12/2/2013 16:07 PM

I often wish pain on the person who I wasted 19 years with. So that feeling is normal I believe

Fly speaks the truth. I sometimes find myself quite ashamed of the badness I wish on The Princess after 17.5 years together. I think it's just part of the process.

But even if it isn't, she was rotten to you. She has earned the bad feelings you have toward her.

stronger08 posted 12/2/2013 17:12 PM

Indifference comes with time and a real concerted effort to move on. Like you and the others I have wished ill will upon my XWW in the past. But one day it came to me that revenge, karma or whatever you want to call it us not up to me. I leave vengeance to the man upstairs. That does not mean I sit there taking any shit from her. Of course I stand up for myself when my XWW goes into her tirades. Its often said the best revenge is to live a great life. That's kind of hard to do in the beginning. Your still hurting and the single guy experience takes time getting used to. But what you are doing by making plans with your life is a great start. Indifference will come, don't try and rush it. You need to take as much time as you need to mourn your loss, licks your wounds and get back on your feet emotionally. Personally I rushed into dating thinking it would make me feel better. But all that did was make things worse. I was not ready for a relationship and it showed. It actually made me more frustrated because I could not find the right person to date. And the truth was there was no right person for me at that time. So I took a year off from dating just to find out exactly who I was and who I wanted to be. I learned to forgive myself and started to enjoy the things that M prevented me from doing. Prior to my M I was an avid outdoorsman. But my XWW being the priss she was wanted nothing to do with it. So for almost 20 years I had given it up. But I rediscovered my love for the outdoors and even bought a house in the mountains that all mine. Its my oasis from reality. I go fishing and boating and generally have a blast. Its shit like that where you should start. Rediscover yourself and start to enjoy life. The indifference will follow without you realizing that it did. Hang in there bro, what your feeling is perfectly normal. Just don't allow your temporary sadness prevent you from moving forward. If it does perhaps some IC is needed. Good luck my man.

nowiknow23 posted 12/2/2013 21:41 PM

((((Waking)))) You know, waking, time alone doesn't heal - it's what you do with the time that is healing.

The "bright tops" as you described them? Those are a great start. And you are so very wise to see that reaching for someone else isn't the answer.

Are you in IC? Would you consider it?

newlysingle posted 12/3/2013 00:02 AM

Wow, this really spoke to me tonight. I'm feeling the same way. I was just telling my sister yesterday that during the separation/divorce process I was so angry that it just fueled me and pushed me along. It kept me from feeling all the hurt and sadness and I thought I was doing pretty well. Now, that the anger is diminishing and I'm accepting my new divorced reality, I feel like I'm at a stand still. The motivation is gone and I just feel lost and gutted. I try to be positive about my future and I do truly believe that things will be better one day, but it's so hard dealing with the agony until then.

I feel your pain and just know that you're not alone.

crazynot posted 12/3/2013 00:19 AM

The being a good cook but not wanting to, not sleeping properly... these are symptoms of grief. My lovely mother died in April and I only just started sleeping properly and enjoying my food this week. I feel so much better - and so will you, but it takes time. This is a deep valley you're walking through, but you will keep moving, and it will end.

WakingFromADream posted 12/3/2013 01:38 AM

Thank you for all the replies. It really does help to get other perspectives.

@NIK - Thankfully, I have been in IC since about a month before my DD and it has been really helpful to start to give me ways to think about myself. I actually have a session later, well, now it's later this afternoon.

So I took a year off [...] just to find out exactly who I was and who I wanted to be

it's what you do with the time that is healing

This is the sort of thing that I have been thinking about. Sort of figuring out a few things for me and rummaging around in some of the dusty corners. This was actually one of the topics that my IC brought up in our last session talking about things to do sort of for myself.

I guess it's really not so much that I am not doing anything it's that I don't necessarily feel like I am yet. I think that some of the bright peaks show me some of where I want to be and I just know I have a long way to go before I get there.

As for what I'm going through, I guess I hadn't really thought of it as a sort of grief but, that makes a lot of sense when you put it that way. In some ways I guess I feel like I ripped out part of myself and I haven't gotten to the part where I've mourned the loss. In this case, I think it's more along the lines of removing rotting flesh so the rest can be made whole again. In any case, it is something for me to think about more.

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