There are some things that have been better. A few times recently I have felt the pure joy and excitement of just looking forward to spending time with friends doing things that I like. The new job is going well. Thanksgiving was great with DS having the chance to meet my grandparents. Christmas should be good as well and I have been invited over to a friends house for a NYE party.
But, those things seem to serve as the bright tops between the deep valleys that contain my own existence or possibly starting to come up from the depths like a struggling swimmer were before I was just drowned. The house is a disaster that I have done very little to improve since she moved out in July other than to take down any picture of her. I'm a good cook but, I've hardly been making anything. I haven't been going to sleep at a regular time and that messes with a lot of other things.
I just want to feel the joy and the light and the life in me again to the brim but I can't seem to get myself started. And I am so lonely and I just want to reach out to grab at someone else to hold onto but I know that's just a trap and an escape and would just be trying to fill this gaping wound I know I have with something rather than taking the time to allow it to heal. The thing is at this point I don't know how.
I don't know how to pick myself up, dust myself off and move on with my life. Maybe it's just that I'm in the middle of it and not on the other side so I don't have the perspective. Or possibly the patience. "It takes time"; I see that so often here. It take time to heal. It takes time to mend. It takes time to repair the damage that has been wrought whether the path be R or D. And it was made very apparent to me that I have not had enough time.
I have read that the opposite of love would be indifference; not hate. I understand that better now. XWW has apparently been diagnosed with cancer this past week and I initially feel a flash of white hot rage and an initial thought of "good, I hope it kills her"; and then a feeling of guilt at feeling that about the one who I thought I loved above all others. She is not my problem; it is not my problem except for how it affects DS. She made that abundantly clear by all of the support she sought from her "friend" and all of her inaction in trying to change anything. But it still feels like twisting the knife in another turn or two.
I thought I had been gaining space and time but, now it seems that I was more ignoring and avoiding.
Don't make anyone a priority when you are only an option.
You are in mourning! You are grieving! Its terribly painful, like a death, but it really has to be gone through. Temporary respites are great, even essential, but , and fighting all your sad feelings really won't get you where you want to get to emotionally. Sounds crazy but if you can kind of embrace your sadness, and accept mourning as a painful but unfortunately unavoidable part of life, it might become a tiny bit more manageable. Read about loss, that might help and try not to isolate. Force yourself to see friends and family if nearby. Some things can't be rushed and mourning in its Many forms is an inescapable part of the human condition. It gets worse when energy is spent trying to resist it.
You will learn sooooooo much from this experience and it will one day serve you and those you love in ways you don't even know yet
And I am very sorry for your pain!!!
I often wish pain on the person who I wasted 19 years with. So that feeling is normal I believe
Fly speaks the truth. I sometimes find myself quite ashamed of the badness I wish on The Princess after 17.5 years together. I think it's just part of the process.
But even if it isn't, she was rotten to you. She has earned the bad feelings you have toward her.
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!
The "bright tops" as you described them? Those are a great start. And you are so very wise to see that reaching for someone else isn't the answer.
Are you in IC? Would you consider it?
"And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be."
- Sarah McMane
I feel your pain and just know that you're not alone.
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.
@NIK - Thankfully, I have been in IC since about a month before my DD and it has been really helpful to start to give me ways to think about myself. I actually have a session later, well, now it's later this afternoon.
So I took a year off [...] just to find out exactly who I was and who I wanted to be
it's what you do with the time that is healing
This is the sort of thing that I have been thinking about. Sort of figuring out a few things for me and rummaging around in some of the dusty corners. This was actually one of the topics that my IC brought up in our last session talking about things to do sort of for myself.
I guess it's really not so much that I am not doing anything it's that I don't necessarily feel like I am yet. I think that some of the bright peaks show me some of where I want to be and I just know I have a long way to go before I get there.
As for what I'm going through, I guess I hadn't really thought of it as a sort of grief but, that makes a lot of sense when you put it that way. In some ways I guess I feel like I ripped out part of myself and I haven't gotten to the part where I've mourned the loss. In this case, I think it's more along the lines of removing rotting flesh so the rest can be made whole again. In any case, it is something for me to think about more.