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Newest Member: Hurtagain57 (61546)

User Topic: am i the only grinch?
♀ 26370
Member # 26370
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since I found out about the A, I have had absolutely no interest in celebrating any holidays. This includes Birthday, anniversary, Thanksgiving and especially Christmas.

I don't decorate, don't buy any presents, no cards, no nothing.

My H really loves the holidays but accepts that I have zero interest.

Anyone else feel this way and does it every go away?

BS- Me -young at heart
FWH- AARP Eligible
M - Over a quarter of a century
DDay - 9-14-09
R - going full steam ahead

Posts: 350 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: West Coast
♀ 41433
Member # 41433
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with you.
I have zero enthusiasm for any of it. I will fake it, of course, for the children..but I want it all to just go away.

He left me 18 weeks pregnant with twins for another.I am a Licensed Private even happens to us.

Posts: 354 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
♀ 33202
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I haven't done anything "holidayish" since Dday almost three years ago. I have zero interest and have to force myself to do something for the grandchildren.

Granted, I have never gone over the top with the holidays but I used to enjoy them. My WH has always been a Grinch about holidays (except for eating goodies) and I always did the shopping, wrapping and mailing of gifts and cards. My Dday is December 27 so the autumn and Christmas holidays were ruined by my WH's duplicity. All I remember is him "pretending to be married" for our families and friends during that time. Everything is a trigger. For example, I expressed a desire for a live Christmas tree for planting in the yard after the holidays in 2010. One day when I came home from lunch with a friend he was gone. Supposedly he decided to go buy me a tree on his way to the "cottage". Of course, I didn't get a tree (he decided they were too expensive) and he got to f--- the AP.

I think that when we suffer A trauma, it's all we can do to get from one minute to the next without collapsing. It forces us to prioritize our energy use and sometimes it just takes all of our energy and focus to function. Extraneous things simply fall by the wayside.

[This message edited by struggling16 at 9:53 AM, December 2nd (Monday)]

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2011
♀ 40298
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage're not the only Grinch.

We didn't have Thanksgiving because WH's first A anniversary was two days prior. Yesterday HE brought the pre-lit tree up from downstairs and set it up, but there are no ornaments on it, and I am perfectly content to leave it that way.

I feel we are perfectly within our rights to do things how WE want to this year. I will buy gifts for the kids, but that's it.

I hate that we are all here.

Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ 41303
Member # 41303
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same way! Christmas is my favorite time of year and I'm just dreading it this year... I went to the mall heard the Xmas music and started to cry! I pulled myself together because our youngest son and wife just had a baby girl and I wanted to buy the baby something nice. I usually bake and make the house all decorative but not this year! These WS don't think of how much damage they really do.... Not only to us but their entire family! Sometimes when he's talking to me I just want to slap him so hard across his dam face!


Life is not measured by the breaths we take
but by the moments that take our breath away.

Posts: 260 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: canada
♀ 35593
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanksgiving, Christmas, my daughter's birthday and Valentines Day are all in the middle of A season. So is my grandchild's birth. They are ruined forever. I have faked it for the last two years and it is exhausting. I am so depressed about the coming days. I do not feel like parties, gift buying, giving, decorating, cooking, looking at lights, making small talk or celebrating anything. I will force myself to participate for my children and grandchildren. Afterwards, the let down is crushing and all I want to do is stay in bed and cry. Unfortunately, there are few tears left anymore. Just a soul crushing loneliness, even in a room full of people.


Me 50's
WH 50's
Married 30+ years
2 young adult children
OW single 20 years younger
Together trying to R

Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose

Posts: 3454 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
♀ 40488
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep... I am a grinch too.. It's several things starting with DD birthday last month and thanksgiving. Our 19 wedding anniversary is tomorrow... I have no interest in celebrating... And for Xmas I have done nothing so far. Last year I left it up to DD and fWH last year. I had no interest. Alway through March 8 international womens day which is my DDay... I hate this time of year as it becomes an entire blur...

Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
♂ 16345
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Grinch here (raising hand).

There just seems to be too much pressure to be *happy* on the holidays. If you are not *happy* and surrounded by a loving family then there is something wrong with you.

You know that there are more suicides during holiday season than at any other time of the year. I would wager that everyone here knows why.

Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
♀ 34722
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry that you all feel that way and this has been spoiled for you.

In my case, the A, xpos leaving and the D have been freeing. He is very controlling. He always put a damper on everything and found ways to demean and punish me because he does not enjoy the season nor did he want me to be able to enjoy it.

Now I feel so much lighter and able to do the things that make ME happy. Everything was always about him. Now it can be about whomever and whatever *I* want!

Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 3861 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
♀ 41040
Member # 41040
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm trying very hard not to be a grinch. I normally love the holidays and it pisses me off that this is just one more thing that will be taken from me. But I am struggling. This is the first holiday since the A and DDays. WH is doing everything right, with few hiccups. He knows I love this time of year and is stepping up. Bought me a new tree (last year our old one finally went out). Put it together without nagging, helped me and the kids put up ornaments without being nagged (he used to sit and play on the computer while we decorated). It was a nice day. We are trying to make happy memories to overshadow the bad ones. And of course it made me emotional. Everything came rushing back, that only a couple of months ago he was sleeping with someone else. Wondering why it took him to hurt me so deeply to finally see that he loves me. Then I get angry. Wonder why I have to pay the highest price of everyone involved in this situation.

WH -39; BS (me) 41
Married 15 years, 3 kiddos
First DDay 9/13. TT and 3 more DDays in the 6 months to follow. Trying to R.

Posts: 260 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southeast United States
♀ 26370
Member # 26370
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our R is going great. I just feel very apathetic about the holidays.
Maybe i was that way before and I just went along with it for him.

Perhaps this is what I really want.....


BS- Me -young at heart
FWH- AARP Eligible
M - Over a quarter of a century
DDay - 9-14-09
R - going full steam ahead

Posts: 350 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: West Coast
♀ 28156
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I no longer like the holidays. I am faking it always. I have moved on from crying and hurt (A season) to numb. Not faking the numb. I am concerned with my forgetfulness. We have discussed how traditions are painful, and must try to work in new ones. Mine, are completley forgotten. I am forgetting to do some important things for holidays. I forgot about my elderly mom for xmas!!!!!!! I still have time..... But that was upsetting. I am blocking out too much of the holidays. Thanksgiving was better this year. Not great. Everyone seemed better around us.

a trigger yesterday

Posts: 3005 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
♀ 30877
Member # 30877
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not at all. I have no interest. Zero, zilch. That all went away. Kids (mne) are grown and out of the house. I don't have any grandchildren so I don't even have to fake it. I have not felt any enthusasim for the holidays for 3 years now.

Edited for spelling

[This message edited by girlsbird at 12:14 PM, December 2nd (Monday)]

D-Day 10/28/10..almost admission 7/10 Reconciled. I was the betrayed

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: arizona
♀ 39616
Member # 39616
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Grinchy here...raising my hand to. I was the one who went over board for the holidays. Even though my kids aren't little. And this year I don't even want to see a tree or lights or hear music! I am seriously considering putting some artificial poinsettias on the tables maybe a bow on the door and that's it! Not sure why I feel this way either. Day and his affair were in may of this year. So the holidays weren't involved. But I'm definitely grinchy.

~Me~ Blindsided wife, age 37
~Him~ XWH, age 37
~Son~ age 14
~Daughter~ age 18, special needs
~Dday~ June 4th 2013
~him: several affairs during our marriage both emotional and physical, latest physical affair in may 2013~

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: brokenhearted76
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. I'm dreading the holidays. Although I survived thanksgiving much better than I thought.

We decorated the tree Saturday. I left all of "out" ornaments for him to put up if he so chose - which he did.

I don't think he realizes that the way he is ending our relationship is staining the memories of out entire life together. It's sad.

I normally love Christmas, but I'm having a hard time getting enthused about it. I just want it to be over. The memories and thoughts of what we are never going to have are just so overwhelming. 😖

Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 M - 22 Years
D-day: 7/2013; D filed 7/2014; Divorced 7-27-16
...the WS affair starts off in a dreamland where everything is all Golly, Wow! and Meant To Be! and Soul Mates drop from the trees to frolic in the mist. -devotedman

Posts: 5600 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ 40343
Member # 40343
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have only been split for three months and it's not pretty. I am soooooooo not looking forward to the holidays. My daughter is 5 and my son is 10 months. Somehow my ex ended up with them Christmas morning, not sure how I got talked into agreeing to that. Anyway, I get them back at 2 Christmas day. I'm sure I'll be crying myself to sleep Xmas eve until 1:30 Xmas day since I'll miss my son's first Xmas morning. Of course, he offered to let me come sleep over on the couch so we can all spend Xmas morning together. UGH!!!! It's tempting, but I HATE him, and although I'm damn good at pretending, I seriously do not want to stay the night with him. He is still hoping there's a chance (GAG...not a chance in hell!) I REALLLLLY don't want to wake up with him trying to fool around or get romantic and cozy. NOOO THANK YOU!!!!

Posts: 74 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: CA
♂ 38103
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Put my name on that list also.

I typically go all out with outdoor lights, WW is in charge of the inside. 6 different zones that all blink to xmas music. Friends drive by just to see it. This year - nothing! Part is due to being out of town for the thanksgiving weekend, and busy every weekend or out of town until xmas. But I just don't give a shit this year. I know I will take crap from my neighboors and family.

Family - another thing I wish to avoid this year. A couple of in-laws I cannot stand and am concerned I just might tell them off this year!

I have bought many nice things for WW - all of which did nothing to prevent, nor stop the 15 year LTA. Why the F should I spend money now?

Sort of an envirnmentist and just watched the "story of stuff". Talks about how we have been conditioned since about 1950 that our purpose is to consume - and us Americans are pros at it. Over 90% of gifts under tree will be in a landfill by 6 months. I want/need nothing this year. Restraurant or movie tickets is the only thing I will accept.

$. Also the thought of going into mini debt for a holiday I do not believe in, is crazy. We already own on our credit card more than we have planned on spending for both xmas AND our vacation.

Someone please just wake me up after the new year

Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 724 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes the grinchy feelings still creep up, but I found that pushing myself to do something new/fun helps. For example, I saw a box of "Ninjabread" men to make, and it made me laugh out loud in the store. Can't wait to make karate-kicking sounds with DD3 while we play with these.

FWH doesn't really do anything for the holidays, so it's up to me if we are going to be festive. I think it helps that I have a little one looking to me to set the tone.

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

Posts: 29076 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm the same way. My favorite radio station is playing non-stop Christmas music, and I started cursing in the car today when I heard it.

The first time he slept with OW was Christmas day last year, so I pretty much hate the holiday now.

He keeps telling me that we can create new memories this year, and that the holidays are what I make of them. Rationally, I know he's right. I could listen to the stupid Christmas music and decorate the stupid tree. But I just don't feel like it.

Posts: 1758 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 38241
Member # 38241
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cant stand the holidays anymore either - the EA was in full swing, i found out after the new year...just will be glad when it is over again...all i hear reverberating thru my head this time of year is him saying he felt that I looked at him as if he were just a paycheck LOL I was working full time and his business was in a slump and had been for several months - i was paying all the bills but there goes that rewriting thing again...we are better now but , yeah, this holiday thing just sucks anymore..

Posts: 136 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 25
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