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Newest Member: aheartbrokenwife (61814)

User Topic: Elf on the shelf trigger, Bah Humbug
♀ 39675
Member # 39675
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sometime around this time last year was when the A became physical. WH "doesn't remember" the date, so the last 2 weeks I have been struggling, basically wondering if everyday is my antiversary. Not fun.

Every day is wondering if this is the day. Wondering if he was texting her on thanksgiving. Not remembering how we were getting along for the holiday (wouldn't I remember if it were bad?).

So yesterday, I start prepping "elf on the shelf" ideas. Last year (thanks to pinterest, can't claim creativity on my part!), I really got into staging the elf, and the kids LOVED it every morning. As I am shopping for props yesterday, I keep thinking, I was doing this last year and he was planning his A meetings as I was planning the elf.

I know, seems trivial, but I just hate that I have discovered one more thing that triggers me. I want to enjoy the holidays with my family and I know the kids are getting older and this tradition won't be around too many more years. Makes me dread the coming Christmas season as is also my first A season to get through. Plus had dreams about A last night (me sitting around a table of women I know IRL that have all been cheated on).

Just having a monday morning pity party. Any advice on getting through A season/holiday triggers?
(I did briefly mention trigger to WH but couldn't really talk as kids around. He apologized before leaving for work, but I really just don't think he understands)
He IS trying. We are spending time together, getting along, in so many ways better than we have ever been, but I guess today is just a "Why the #$%^ did you screw around" type day. Bah Humbug. Damn Elf

me-BS 41
Together 23 years, married 17 years
DDs-11 and 8, DS 7
4 month EA/PA ended by WH 2 months before
Hoping this recovery is real...

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 13447
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe change it up and get your H involved.

My 9yo DD thinks EoaS is creepy but likes this idea:

"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11650 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
♀ 40139
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so very sorry. No advice to offer - just empathy. Nothing trivial at all about your trigger. My H's A was ramping up at this time, too. My H also can't remember exact dates for much of anything. I know that before Christmas he hadn't had sex with her yet, but was definitely dating her. And he bought me a vacuum cleaner for Christmas last year... which should have been my clue that he was having an A. I trigger shopping for Christmas presents. I trigger vacuuming. I hate thinking about it. We had so much fun, and yet so much was 'off' at the same time. All I can think about is that a year ago, he was lying and deceiving and sneaking around on me. I bought him a fabulous, very expensive shirt that he specifically asked for - which he probably wore out on dates with OW. Very depressing.

Me: Believer, 40s
Him: Liar, 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
In successful R. It only hurts now when it rains.

Posts: 865 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 24719
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Me- 42- BS Him- 38- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 multi EAs, likely PA, trickle truth, d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute Separated 1/2017
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah"

Posts: 2303 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Kentucky
♀ 40605
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I don't have a lot of advice for you, just wanted to say I know how you feel. My WH also doesn't remember what day in November he took his A physical. It is a special kind of hell, to be wondering each morning, is it today?

After I accepted that I would never truly know the day, I decided that I would name a day and that would be the "anti- versary." I chose a day where I feel fairly certain that the A hadn't yet gone physical (nov.1). It felt good to take control. It helped, somehow. HTH.

I wish you peace.

Me: BS, 46
Him: WH, 47
Together 24 years
4 amazing kids
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Choosing myself daily and R almost every day

Posts: 699 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
♀ 36813
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh I feel your pain! This is year 2 of A season an I'm really struggling too! My FWH said to me the other day that he is so sorry that he has ruined everything for me. He knows how much I used to love this time of year, an now I dread it! I cried while putting up the tree, on the way to my inlaws for thanksgiving, etc... It feels like everything is a trigger. I wish I had more to offer. Ive just been trying to change how we celebrate an make me traditions. Good luck!

Posts: 320 | Registered: Sep 2012
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to send dark/humorous Elf on the Shelf ideas to my H's AP long before the affair. (She was a friend.) So, there is my connection, although it doesn't feel bad tonight.

I hope she remembers though, and feels bad about losing a good friend with a wicked sense of humor.

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 3521 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
♀ 41181
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had an Elf similar to EoaS when I was a kid (I'm 52) and it was creepy to me too! It didn't move around as my Mother is not at all whimsical.

I'm sorry that something that brought you such joy is now a reminder of your pain. Maybe you should remake the elf, have it fall in a vat of chocolate and 'dye' it brown ... or catch it 'painting' cookies and spray it with fabric paint. Something to make it different. Especially if your children enjoy it.

I actually know the day my WH's EA became a PA since he msg her on fb about it. I know each time they met. The good thing is that she doesn't live near us.

Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
♀ 39675
Member # 39675
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the replies. Good to know others have WS with "indefinite dates". Oldest DD figured out Santa and elf last year. She now wants to help me with the elf for the 2 younger Kiddos.
WH is oblivious, more so this week than ever, so I'm just trying to turn it into a bonding activity for oldest dd and I.
"Fake it till you make it" comes to mind....

me-BS 41
Together 23 years, married 17 years
DDs-11 and 8, DS 7
4 month EA/PA ended by WH 2 months before
Hoping this recovery is real...

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 9

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