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Elf on the shelf trigger, Bah Humbug

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spinning73 posted 12/2/2013 08:49 AM

So sometime around this time last year was when the A became physical. WH "doesn't remember" the date, so the last 2 weeks I have been struggling, basically wondering if everyday is my antiversary. Not fun.

Every day is wondering if this is the day. Wondering if he was texting her on thanksgiving. Not remembering how we were getting along for the holiday (wouldn't I remember if it were bad?).

So yesterday, I start prepping "elf on the shelf" ideas. Last year (thanks to pinterest, can't claim creativity on my part!), I really got into staging the elf, and the kids LOVED it every morning. As I am shopping for props yesterday, I keep thinking, I was doing this last year and he was planning his A meetings as I was planning the elf.

I know, seems trivial, but I just hate that I have discovered one more thing that triggers me. I want to enjoy the holidays with my family and I know the kids are getting older and this tradition won't be around too many more years. Makes me dread the coming Christmas season as is also my first A season to get through. Plus had dreams about A last night (me sitting around a table of women I know IRL that have all been cheated on).

Just having a monday morning pity party. Any advice on getting through A season/holiday triggers?
(I did briefly mention trigger to WH but couldn't really talk as kids around. He apologized before leaving for work, but I really just don't think he understands)
He IS trying. We are spending time together, getting along, in so many ways better than we have ever been, but I guess today is just a "Why the #$%^ did you screw around" type day. Bah Humbug. Damn Elf

Holly-Isis posted 12/2/2013 09:57 AM

Maybe change it up and get your H involved.

My 9yo DD thinks EoaS is creepy but likes this idea:

plainpain posted 12/2/2013 12:17 PM

I'm so very sorry. No advice to offer - just empathy. Nothing trivial at all about your trigger. My H's A was ramping up at this time, too. My H also can't remember exact dates for much of anything. I know that before Christmas he hadn't had sex with her yet, but was definitely dating her. And he bought me a vacuum cleaner for Christmas last year... which should have been my clue that he was having an A. I trigger shopping for Christmas presents. I trigger vacuuming. I hate thinking about it. We had so much fun, and yet so much was 'off' at the same time. All I can think about is that a year ago, he was lying and deceiving and sneaking around on me. I bought him a fabulous, very expensive shirt that he specifically asked for - which he probably wore out on dates with OW. Very depressing.

steadfast1973 posted 12/2/2013 12:33 PM


iwillNOT posted 12/2/2013 17:09 PM


I don't have a lot of advice for you, just wanted to say I know how you feel. My WH also doesn't remember what day in November he took his A physical. It is a special kind of hell, to be wondering each morning, is it today?

After I accepted that I would never truly know the day, I decided that I would name a day and that would be the "anti- versary." I chose a day where I feel fairly certain that the A hadn't yet gone physical (nov.1). It felt good to take control. It helped, somehow. HTH.

I wish you peace.

Daisy312 posted 12/2/2013 17:52 PM

Oh I feel your pain! This is year 2 of A season an I'm really struggling too! My FWH said to me the other day that he is so sorry that he has ruined everything for me. He knows how much I used to love this time of year, an now I dread it! I cried while putting up the tree, on the way to my inlaws for thanksgiving, etc... It feels like everything is a trigger. I wish I had more to offer. Ive just been trying to change how we celebrate an make me traditions. Good luck!

bionicgal posted 12/2/2013 18:24 PM

I used to send dark/humorous Elf on the Shelf ideas to my H's AP long before the affair. (She was a friend.) So, there is my connection, although it doesn't feel bad tonight.

I hope she remembers though, and feels bad about losing a good friend with a wicked sense of humor.

BAB61 posted 12/2/2013 18:36 PM

We had an Elf similar to EoaS when I was a kid (I'm 52) and it was creepy to me too! It didn't move around as my Mother is not at all whimsical.

I'm sorry that something that brought you such joy is now a reminder of your pain. Maybe you should remake the elf, have it fall in a vat of chocolate and 'dye' it brown ... or catch it 'painting' cookies and spray it with fabric paint. Something to make it different. Especially if your children enjoy it.

I actually know the day my WH's EA became a PA since he msg her on fb about it. I know each time they met. The good thing is that she doesn't live near us.

spinning73 posted 12/5/2013 21:34 PM

Thanks for the replies. Good to know others have WS with "indefinite dates". Oldest DD figured out Santa and elf last year. She now wants to help me with the elf for the 2 younger Kiddos.
WH is oblivious, more so this week than ever, so I'm just trying to turn it into a bonding activity for oldest dd and I.
"Fake it till you make it" comes to mind....

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