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a365 posted 12/2/2013 10:22 AM

I am going to ramble – feel free to reply or ask questions.

I have made several posts on ‘just found out’ ~2months ago. Our marriage has moved into the final stage. I was refusing to give up – I wanted to keep fighting for me, my spouse and especially our two kids but it turns out that she does not.

I have grown and learned a fair amount through this process but I am growing in confidence and my anger?!? (Which wasn’t present before and) is beginning to surface.

We had a very last couples counseling session this Saturday when my wife told me she was feeling better living on her own (Moved out in Sept), and she no longer liked the way I made her feel. I have many thoughts in my head, but the one that keeps ringing out:
She says our relationship began to fail when our youngest was born (almost 4 years ago)
She notified me that she was ‘unhappy’ in Aug 2013, moving out early Sept and moved Mid September
She had me adopt our oldest last year (I told her that it appears as if I was set up although she denies it)
In our state we need to wait a year to file for divorce, so we have some time
When I met her, she was getting divorced, didn’t have a home, had a 1-year old, and was in a mountain of debt. She is leaving in a much better state – No debts, Grad degree, new job, and a new bank account thanks to the settlement!

What happened?
She began sleeping with her phone this summer and texting all hours of the night – she swears she wasn’t/isn’t cheating but I don’t believe her, and now it simply doesn’t matter
Sex was on steady decline for years
I caught here in several sex messages (and that is when she became very angry - ‘Think August’)

I never hit, cheated, lied, I stayed active/fit, and cared equally for the kids – I like to think I was a very good husband. Her main complaint is ‘I was smothering’ what I believe means interrupting her texting

She also booked a flight (before she moved) and went out of town (and lied about it) just after she moved. I caught her in the lie so she refused to talk about it citing it was none of my business.

Ok – Done whining!

My plans:
I plan to focus on me and my kids (ages 3 and 7). One day, I am certain I will meet someone else – I am caring, hard working, good looking, in my late 30s, and think I have a great deal to offer, but first I need to let go of the hurt and pain caused by my WW.

I am open to any advice:
How long do I wait?
How do I get back in the dating game (yikes)
Are there groups for people to talk to about this?
I am feeling hurt/angry/confused/disappointed – is that normal?

nowiknow23 posted 12/2/2013 10:31 AM

I am feeling hurt/angry/confused/disappointed – is that normal?
Completely normal. All of that is absolutely par for the course. It takes time and effort to work through all of this. I would recommend stopping the couples therapy and focus on IC for yourself instead.

How long do I wait?
How do I get back in the dating game (yikes)
You wait until you are healed and healthy. What you DON'T do is jump back in because you are lonely, or sad, or wanting to prove something. One of the key things to remember about dating is that broken attracts broken. If you don't take the time to process and work through this stuff by yourself, you run a great risk of attracting someone who is damaged goods.

The flip side of that? If you haven't done the work to be a healthy partner, you run the risk of hurting someone else.

Welcome to D/S, a365.

StillLivin posted 12/2/2013 13:39 PM

I am open to any advice:
How long do I wait?

You wait until you no longer hurt or care about the A or your ex wife. You wait until you feel strong, learn from your mistakes. By that, I mean, were the red flags before you married or throughout your M? If there were, you acknowledge your part if you were co dependent and set up and have conviction in your new boundaries.

How do I get back in the dating game (yikes)

Good question, when I figure it out, I will let you know. Gotta take my own advice above first before I want to figure this one out, though.

I am feeling hurt/angry/confused/disappointed – is that normal?

Absolutely. Matter of fact, you would probably be even more damaged than your STBXW if you DIDN'T feel all of the above and more!

Pass posted 12/2/2013 15:59 PM

a365, your wife sounds similar to mine: She won't even admit to the emails that I read that showed she was meeting someone, let alone ANY other wrongdoing at all.

If you were trying to reconcile, discovering the truth would be imperative. Since that isn't happening, you can just feel free to make any assumptions you please. I realize there is a good chance The Princess was screwing the neighbourhood, some co-workers, some people from her running group, and others. And now I'm trying to just let it go. The answer is that she was a shitty wife, and it wouldn't have mattered how perfect I was, she still would have been shitty. Some days, I'm really good at accepting that. Other days, I obsess about everything.

Your plan is good. Like everyone says, hold off on dating until you're sure you will do no further damage to yourself and others.

And there's just one more thing. Find your passion. Not romantic passion (that needs to be shelved for a while). Find something you love doing. I have gotten back into music, and have a gig coming up on January 5. Being up on stage is something I've always considered to be the best feeling in the world; even when not on stage, I can get a little of that feeling just from singing/playing on my own. What do you feel that way about?

Thefly559 posted 12/2/2013 19:42 PM

Your wife sounds like the typical wayward. All her actions and responses were exactly what my stbxww did and said. Exactly. So many others on here I am sure will agree. You need to take care of yourself and kids , it sounds like you might be downplaying your pain a little but I do not know your details. You need to go through your process , there is no skipping over steps on this test. As far as dating I am 8 months past d day and my dating skills are a mess , considering I never really dated in my life. I am still not ready . But everyone heals different , you need to take your time and heal , as far as groups you just joined the best one there is . I have tried them all take my word. The help you get here and the knowledge from these people I call friends is amazing. It's like a crystal ball just ask and you will get answers. I am sorry you have to be here and take some sanity in knowing you are not alone brother. All the best.

phmh posted 12/2/2013 20:13 PM

Just wanted to chime in a bit on the dating part. Most people jump in way too soon, but I urge you to spend some time alone, heal, get stronger.

As we say here all the time, broken attracts broken.

From what you wrote, your STBXWW was getting divorced when you started dating -- that is a huge red flag, as she never had time to heal herself from that previous relationship. You don't want to make the same mistake again -- you want to make sure that the next person you're with is healthy, happy, and whole.

It takes time, but you'll get there. Don't rush things. There's no set timeline, but I think that in general, people would be a lot happier if they took at least 12-18 months off of dating after separation.

RavenWood posted 12/2/2013 22:30 PM

Just wanted to let you know I can relate. Similar age, similar children, similar desires.
Only difference being that my divorce is nearly wrapped up.

Take it easy, emotions come back to haunt. I was doing great for about 2 months, then out of nowhere feelings came back and brought me back to DDAY. It'll get better, but don't fool yourself into thinking it's over and you're healed.

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