Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Oh boy... this ain't gonna be easy

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

brokenman123 posted 12/2/2013 10:36 AM

So, about five months ago I discovered that my wife had an affair. She quickly filed and left. We've been separated ever since. Divorce should be final here soon. Very quick, easy deal. She walked away from everything.

I did about two months of complete depression, then something clicked and I was a different person. "I know what I need", I said to myself "Women!"

I learned something about myself. I can pick up women. Pretty easily. Who knew?! After being with the same woman for 20 years, you lose your "game" for sure... but I guess I'm a natural talker/charmer. I'm also in the best shape of my life (thanks to the anxiety-driven weight loss and more frequent trips to the gym).

I went on dates with 4 women. Slept with two of them. First one... awful. Just awful. Second one, great experience... felt like crap afterward. There was no emotional connection. What was I doing? I have three kids. I'm a dad. Ugh... One of the women developed feelings for me and I let her know that no, I'm not ready for a committed relationship. She went a little crazy. Kinda scary, actually. I definitely wasn't ready for this.

So, I called off the whole "chasing women" thing. I was obviously trying to fill a void. I need to concentrate more on me. Stop trying to prove my masculinity and feed my ego.

AND THEN... L contacted me. I knew L for a couple of years. She worked with the ex. I was friendly with her and her boyfriend. She was stunning. Smart. We hit it off when we first met... Now she was checking in on me. To see how I was doing. We spoke for about three hours. The next day, we texted all day. Spoke on the phone that night. We did this every day for three weeks. We most definitely "clicked". Very funny gal. We were extremely similar.

One tidbit of info I'm leaving out. The boyfriend was not out of the picture. In fact, she moved in with him about a year ago. The same extremely nice, funny guy I met about a year ago. *sigh*

What I should've done is told her "see ya" and look me up when she was single again. But, I didn't. I was infatuated. She filled every void in me. I was alive again. My hobbies started up again. I was more active with my kids. My job performance went up. She was that emotional safety net I needed.

We went out. Three times. Sparks flew, for sure. We got physical, but no sex. Her texts and calls to me increased. I loved it.

And then... a death in her family. Somebody very close to her. A definite change in her. Then, Thanksgiving. She spent it with his family. She didn't say it, but we went from a bazillion texts to about two a day... and the tone was completely different. I think it's over. I stopped contacting her. She reached out to me... just very vanilla conversation. Like buddies.

I know I need to let it go...but Damn. It's tough. I should've called it off early, and I shouldn't have developed feelings for her. My anxiety is back, full force.

*sigh*... this is going to be tougher than I thought. I'm not ready.

ajsmom posted 12/2/2013 10:48 AM

One tidbit of info I'm leaving out. The boyfriend was not out of the picture. In fact, she moved in with him about a year ago.

I should've called it off early

Ya think?

You were "dating" someone in a significant relationship.

That's called being a wayward in my book.


InnerLight posted 12/2/2013 10:50 AM

Wow. You are playing a very dangerous game with your life and with others' lives. In the process of desperately trying to mend a badly bruised ego you are creating more brokenness. You made yourself into an OM, an affair partner.

Step away from that fire. Yes that means you are going to have to face your pain. Don't create a drama around another relationship to avoid facing this pain. Dig deep and rediscover your best qualities. You don't need a woman to bring them out in you. You need to have a deeper faith in yourself.

I'm sorry you find yourself on these boards. I know how hard it is. You can do it. Greater treasures are in store with your healing.

I wish you true healing and peace.

[This message edited by InnerLight at 10:51 AM, December 2nd (Monday)]

gahurts posted 12/2/2013 10:55 AM

Dude, You need to slow down. The path you are on will just lead to pain and it sounds like it already has. Not only pain for you but for the women you are leaving in your wake.

AJ'sMom is spot on. Remember how you felt when you found out about your wife's A. Well you are following the same behavior.

FaithFool posted 12/2/2013 10:56 AM

What a complete and total shock. The lying, the betrayal, the... everything... just all adds up to the worst moment of my entire life.

This is from your first post in JFO ^^^^

Congratulations. You've now inflicted this on another man. I hate to say it but I hope he finds out about your "special friendship" with his gal pal.

He needs to know. A real man would tell him. (No, wait, a real man wouldn't have gone there in the first place...)

Now go and work on yourself. You really are broken and so is she.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 10:58 AM, December 2nd (Monday)]

brokenman123 posted 12/2/2013 11:33 AM

I hear ya, everyone. You're all echoing what's been going on in the back of my head for weeks now. She just caught me at the most vulnerable time... and I went with it. I have ceased all communication.
She actually texted me while typing this.

Feels great to be wanted and appreciated, but not at the expense of somebody's happiness.

FaithFool posted 12/2/2013 11:49 AM

You need to delete all her contact info and just go dark. That's the first step.

Then see if you can get into some counselling to figure this stuff out.

HurtsButImOK posted 12/2/2013 12:21 PM

 She just caught me at the most vulnerable time...

You were not a victim, you willingly and knowingly made the choice to fool around with her.

Own your shit.

Kudos for being brave enough to post this, now what are you going to do to fix your brokeness? (No need to answer here, its a question you should be asking yourself)

worried_lady posted 12/2/2013 12:27 PM

So were you man enough to really be honest to the 1st 2 ladies you were intimate with. I have been that person and it is very confusing and leaves a person wondering wtf?? Sorry but how unfair to them also.

If you were able to be an OM then were you really honest with the others.

ajsmom posted 12/2/2013 12:40 PM

She just caught me at the most vulnerable time... and I went with it.

Ooooo...such waywardspeak.

I would wholeheartedly suggest you travel up to the Wayward forum so others there can help you as well.

Given your history in this very short timeframe, I think you'll need some expert, straight from the hip advice.

cmego posted 12/2/2013 14:12 PM

Yeah, sorry to pile on here…but…dude. You sound just like a wayward.

She filled every void in me.
Her texts and calls to me increased. I loved it.
She was that emotional safety net.
I should've called it off early, and I shouldn't have developed feelings for her. My anxiety is back, full force.

Work on yourself first. You managed to hurt at least two innocent women, then probably went against your moral code so you could be "validated" by a woman who you had no business being around.

I always assume when someone posts on SI, they are looking inward at their own behavior and want to change/deal/looking for help. I"m glad you posted…now its time to start the hard work on YOURSELF.

Griefstricken25 posted 12/2/2013 17:40 PM

Wow. In 5 months, you went from the worst betrayal possible, as a betrayed husband, played the field, slept with 2 women, and almost a 3rd, and now you're an OM. Most of us are still reeling from the initial betrayal at only 5 months out.

You need to step WAY back from any and all relationships, except your kids and your family and friends who you're not sleeping with or infatuated with. You need counselling. If you don't heal yourself, all you're doing is spreading this "disease" of infidelity around.

Aubrie posted 12/2/2013 18:24 PM

I never post in NB but your post jumped out at me brokenman123. Hi. I'm Aubrie. A FWW. I cheated four times on my husband. I don't know what it's like to be in a committed relationship and be betrayed. I'm very sorry that you suffered it's mind-blowing, heart-wrenching pain. I only know the betrayer aspect. It's enough. It's a horrible place to be. It's horrible being that person. To have that scarlet letter.

She just caught me at the most vulnerable time... and I went with it.
I was emotionally abused, married very young, and was a completely shattered, broken little girl for many years. My APs all swept me off of my feet. They all caught me at vulnerable times. They all made me feel like they were filling a void. However, I still made a conscious, deliberate decision to break my marital vows. All those men were, were bandaids to a gushing wound that continued to bleed out in my soul.

brokenman123, you are bleeding out internally. Like I said before, I don't know what the pain of betrayal feels like. But I do know what it feels like to inflict that pain on a person, and even moreso, to know how broken and lost I felt in my soul, and the paths that took me to where I made the choice to become an WW/OW.

Please love yourself enough to step back, take a breath, and heal yourself.

PhoenixRisen posted 12/2/2013 18:45 PM

Wow broken, just wow.
What a crazy, crazy few months you've had.

and while I can somewhat understand how you "went with it" when L contacted you - step back and look at her behavior. Really look at it. She is acting exactly like your wife did - the lying, the txting, the phone calls, the secrets, the betrayal. She contacted you after hearing of your split - kinda predatorial and premeditated -don't you think?

Now look at your behavior. You knew she was involved with someone. You knew what she was doing (and how you were responding) was wrong, but since you didn't instigate it maybe you're trying to side step fault so you can still convince yourself you are innocent (while boosting your ego at the same time)? Is part of you subconsciously trying to become the OM so you can, in a sense, win some sort of victory? As the OM you are now on the other side of the betrayal.... the more powerful side.

This is why the situation is crazy. Both of you are guilty. Both of you are wrong.

You know it's wrong,
You know you are better than that.
You know you deserve a true relationship. With no lies, no secrets, but just the other person. Honestly. Truthfully.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.