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he is about to get a dose of reality

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whiteflower99 posted 12/2/2013 10:38 AM

He wants to reconcile. He is coming at me with everything I want to hear.
Blah blah blah.
Been there done that, got the T-shirt.
We will go along, no real work done, and it will get swept under a rug and within two years be will find another OW.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
Sooooo, I gave him a deadline.
Since he is oh so serious this time, he has until 12/31 to:

1. Find a therapist, set an appointment and KEEP it.
2. Understand what he has done.
3. Apologize to our kids to their satisfaction.

Otherwise, I file.
This. Is. Nonnegotiable.

Is there anything else I should add?
(Besides the full disclosure which I already have)

Oh and yes, I fully expect him to fail.

karmahappens posted 12/2/2013 11:02 AM

Do you have complete transparency? What else is he doing? This is a pretty short list.

He can't apologize to your kids to their satisfaction, forgiveness doesn't come with an apology. Apologies are words, real apologies are backed up with actions over long periods of time.

He cannot just "understand " what he has done, it isn't that simple for many people. He may be long into therapy before he "gets" it.

Do you want him to fail? Are you done and this is just a mini gesture to get you "out" so to speak?

StillLivin posted 12/2/2013 11:04 AM

If you expect him to fail, what purpose does it serve to waste your time?
I ask, because, I hope for your healing you aren't just telling yourself this. It is not good for your healing.
Of course, a little bum kissing can be cheerful around the holidays, especially since he gutted your heart and tossed it on the floor.
Just don't want to see you hurt or your kids hurt because all of you gave him the real gift of R and all he does is trample your heart more.
Good luck.

betrayed13yrs posted 12/2/2013 11:30 AM

My experience is that they DO NOT CHANGE!!!!!! He found a therapist and we went for six months. Of course we never actually discussed the cheating because he never actually admitted to it. Somehow, the therapy sessions always focused on how I can better communicate (WTF?!?!?!). He "seemed" so completely change. He begged and cried and pleaded. He treated me 1000 times better and started spending more time as a family. He even tried to interact with my family more. BUT....I knew it never really ended. I had confirmation from a witness and his phone records. I was humiliated for taking him back and pretended not to know. Oh and FYI, he has the main 3yr affair with whore, but there are several others. He had an Ashley Madison account, account, secret Facebook, Twitter, and Instragram, and who knows what else. My advise it, they don't change, they are just more careful. Especially once they get away with it, it becomes more of an addiction. Good luck:(

Eudaimonia posted 12/2/2013 11:57 AM

I get it. You grew tired of this so long ago and it sounds like you've worked on yourself. If he wants a piece of your reality, he has to show it. If not, pfft, fk him.

I sense strength in your post. Are you ready to rumble? Ducks in a row? Does he know you mean business, now?

Oh, number 2-I need to read your profile, but how are you going to determine whether he really understands or not? I am having trouble with this one, myself.

Oh, also, maybe add whiteflower99 to number 3. and highlight "to their satisfaction."

whiteflower99 posted 12/2/2013 12:18 PM

Good responses.
I am getting ducks in a row in that I have consulted a lawyer. I actually did that prior to this most recent Dday. We have no real assets no real property our bank account
has less than 5,000. He has hhis car, I have mine. Two different attorneys suggested I go to Staples and buy a Divorce kit. So long as he and I are civil and adult about children and visitation there is no reason we couldn't file ourselves.
It was in late September that he saw this and me actually doing it that he started to change. Of course he did.
What is different this time is me.
I am back in college and going to get my degree so *I* can provide for me and the kids. With or without him. *I* am
going to be just fine. With him or without him.

Of COURSE I want him to fix himself. Of COURSE I want us to work it out. It would be convenient because we ARE married, he IS the kids' father etc.

But if it doesn't I won't die. I will be fine.
I am doing this (the deadline) because if I don't he will wriggle and hoover his way back in. It has been our cycle.
I am through cycling and I'm breaking the pattern.
I guess my better question should be, what will I do should he follow through with it all?
And I know 30 days isn't enough for him to "get it", but he needs to be working towards that.
There are many many waywards here who woke up and "got it".
He may surprise me, but I am not holding my breath waiting for it.

Kierst13 posted 12/2/2013 12:51 PM

Keep in mind, him choosing to do the things you need by 12/31, does not get you out of the cycle. He can be great between now and the end of the year and still find a new side piece in two years.

whiteflower99 posted 12/2/2013 12:55 PM

Kierst, I know.
It is what makes me expect him to fail.
But at least when he does, I can look him dead in the eyes and say I did everything I could.

Skan posted 12/2/2013 16:16 PM

If you don't think that this is going to work and you're ready to file, then please do so before you have your degree and new job, and he can try to get you to pay him spousal support based on your earnings.

whiteflower99 posted 12/2/2013 17:47 PM

No worries there.
Infidelity excludes one from paying alimony in NC.

damncutekitty posted 12/2/2013 17:52 PM

Going to therapy appointments may or may not do anything. People get out of therapy what they put in. If he's going there to placate you, nothing will change.

karmahappens posted 12/2/2013 17:52 PM

No worries there.
Infidelity excludes one from paying alimony in NC.

I know if you attempt to R, have consentual sex after an A, that this is not the case. (In some places)

It considers the A as forgiven.

Not sure about your state...

[This message edited by karmahappens at 5:52 PM, December 2nd (Monday)]

whiteflower99 posted 12/2/2013 18:30 PM

Yeah I am sure this is all wishful thinking on my part. He has to want to do the work in order to vet anywhere.
Really in my gut I think the deadline is for me, not him anyway. And for the kids.
They know everything and this way I can tell them I honestly tried.
And I did.
I did everything I could to preserve our marriage and it wasn't enough.
So it is up to him now.

WhatsRight posted 12/3/2013 04:33 AM

I agree that #1 is easily evaluated.

#2 and #3 cannot be verified. You can't really measure them.

And if you are expecting him to fail, and #2 and #3 depend on YOUR interpretation, then he will probably fail - no matter what he does.

I'm not supporting him - AT ALL. But I wonder if there are more concrete criteria for you to use?

whiteflower99 posted 12/3/2013 04:46 AM

I think this is going to be my way out. Nothing more. He told me he feels nothing about the A's. No remorse no guilt just nothing.
So since he told me that and then said he wants to reconcile I told him I needed go be sure he felt SOMETHING about what he had done.

Like I said, he is stuck in our limbollic cycle from hell and I am getting off the bike.
He has 28 days to convince me to stay married.
So far he is failing miserably.

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