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User Topic: don't know where to turn...need guidance!
lillbug20
♀ 41511
Member # 41511
Stop  Posted: 2:52 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First time posting. I'm not going to ask that you be nice, I know I dont deserve it. I have totally turned my life upside down and don't know where to go from here. Someone please help pull my head from the clouds and make the right choice.

Backstory: Bh and I have known either side high school and married 9 yrs.total of 16 years. He is an man all in all. Super hard worker, awesome daddy (we have 3) don't drink or smoke, very devoted family man, constantly doting on me and trying to make me happy. Attractive as well. Downfall, he lacks communication skills and shuts down when things get hairy.
3 years ago I became friends with a male co worker. Typical,, instant spark attraction. We hung out and before the night was over I was in his arms and then his bed. I know I should've never hung out with him and the others to begin with...but can't change that now. Anyhow that happened and it was like an instant addiction. I couldn't stop it. Fast forward 5 months later and I found out I was pregnant with my youngest. Yes I'm 100% certain my husband is the father. When that happened I immediately cut communication with the other man. BH never knew. Things were great with us...I felt in love with him for the first time in I don't know how long.

When I returned back to work after maternity leave, things quickly got out of control. I thought we could talk as friends. Huge mistake. I fell head over heels for him again and things jumped back where they left off, only this time more deep. All this summer I've been having a intense affair. Yes I know I'm a horrible piece of crap. My BH dont deserve this.

Here's the problem. I have to make a choice...and fast. I don't want to.live like this anymore, I don't want to hurt my husband or the other man.

I haven't told my husband anything. He will not stick around and work things out once he finds out. He'll be gone. For good. This I know for sure.
My head knows telling him is the best thing to do but I'll lose him in return. My heart don't know if I really want to be with BH or not. I have never truly known if I was really in love with him in a way I should have been from the very start. I've always been unsure of the kind of love I've had for him. My head tells me to end it with the OM abd keep my family together for the sake of my children...but my heart just don't agree. My heart wants the OM. Or maybe my head is just in the clouds again. I don't know how to figure that out. I'm really not as horrible person as I'm coming across as...although I feel like it. I just don't know where to turn or what to do...b July t I have to figure it out now

Someone please guide me in yet right direction. Excuse this scattered post...My head is all over the place


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
lillbug20
♀ 41511
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Excuse the typos....My smart phone hates Me!

Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
Joanh
♀ 39146
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stop. Simple but hard to do.

First thing, good that you have come here. It is going to hurt to hear the truth, but it is needed. We all been here. and still are.

Youhave no control over anything but what you do. You are betraying your husband. He has right to know, to make the decision to stay or leave. And it will be better if you tell him.

Do not continue with this other man. He is not who you think he is. You are married and yet he still sleeps with you, lacks morals. you want that ?

Tell your husband. And be true to yourself. You are playing mind games with yourself , your husband and your CHILDREN. You are trying to justify your affair, by saying "I don't know if I love him. Well you may not in the right way. You may need to learn and understand what love really is. I am and its hard work.

You have what is called an infatuation , its not real its fantasy. I get the addicted part. Its exciting, its like being a teenager. not a mature adult who should act better.

Please stop. STand and try and make yourself proud, it will be probably the hardest thing you will ever have to do in your life, but you will save yourself in the end. No matter whether your BH stays or not. THe loss of self through cheating destroys our own soul, and it is very fragile, its even harder to rebuild. And trust me the guilt of not telling will kill you in the end or allow it to happen again.

Be strong and keep posting. Go to the healing Liabrary. it helps too.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 437 | Registered: Apr 2013
lillbug20
♀ 41511
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your correct, this is the hardest thing I've ever encountered. I feel so very lost, worthless and scared.

When I say I'm not sure I am in love why my Bh, I say that because even from the beginning as teenagers I've always questioned if I really love or not. In that way. He's always been a safe place for me to run to. We lost contact right after school, I got in a bad relationship...Then went and sought him out because I knew he'd want me. Two months after living with him I became pregnant with our first. I felt trapped and married him. I've been "content" since.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
SandAway
♀ 37775
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I bumped a post for you.

Affair Confessions - Everything to learn in 1 Post

You made a choice to have an A - Now let your BH make his choice. He may surprise you.


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
Lmw9808
♂ 41255
Member # 41255
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am only 6 months out from my dday but when I was in my A I felt like my BW would leave me for sure when/if she found out. She still may but so far has decided to stay and give me a chance. The point is you cannot fully trust your own feelings right now. Trust me you are not thinking clearly while you are in the affair. You tell yourself all kinds of things to justify your actions. After enough time you even start to believe your own lies. Telling your H is going to be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do but if you don't he will likely find eventually and that will be even worse. I stayed in my fog all the way to loosing a very good job. It may not be too late for you. I had to agree with Joanh telling your H is the best choice.


Me - WH 44
Her - BS 45
Married 19 years
D-Day 5/18/13 5 year LTA

Posts: 16 | Registered: Nov 2013
lillbug20
♀ 41511
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for the words of wisdom. I do understand he deserves to know and that it's the right thing to do...I'm just not at that point just yet. He will leave for sure. I know this 100%.
Everyone says your head is in a fog and not reality...but how can you really be sure that your not really in love with OM? Maybe I am in a fog but I'm truly fighting feelings of being in love with this other person. I'm still fighting feelings of do I and have I ever really lived my BH like a wife should...would I have really done this to him if I did love him? And how can I be sure I don't really love OM. My head is spinning and I just can't get my bearings straight.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
lillbug20
♀ 41511
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will add...the very thought of not having OM in my life makes me sick to my stomach. I've tried to end if before and it was horrible. I did read the blog on detoxing from an A.
I really need to find some kind of strength from somewhere. I confessed to my mom and have her support...it just don't seen like enough.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
confetticheck
♂ 38676
Member # 38676
Default  Posted: 1:47 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lil,
You are so deeply in the fog right now. I will tell you, you are sick, you can not trust your judgement right now. I'm glad you found SI because your gonna need it. An Atomic bomb is about to go off in your life. You and your spouse are about to be changed forever.
You don't have a D day yet but you soon will, I'm sorry for that. I will tell you that all the statistics and all of the personal stories show that to run away with OM is a disaster waiting to happen. He is not the answer.
LOVE is decision. It sounds like he deserves it. You've have children with this man, you have history with this man. You've dug your self a big whole, but it is not insurmountable.
Take charge of this and fix it, we will be here for you.

On the other side of D day, after all the hard work, after all the pain, I've never felt more close and loving to my spouse. I finally gave myself to her and she accepted me with all the warts.


Me - WH
Her - BW
Married 20 yrs, 3 kids
DDay - 17 Nov '12 (5 month PA)

Life's tough, it's tougher when your stupid.


Posts: 37 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: FL
lillbug20
♀ 41511
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So how do I get myself out of this fog and thinking clear? I want to make the right decision, I really do. I just don't want to hurt either person. I hate that parole are going to get hurt. I wish I was the only one that would have to suffer out of this but unfortunately I didn't think that thru even I decided to be selfish:(

I just want to make the right decision...But an having such a hard time determining which is what.

Thank you all for your guidance thus far.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
confetticheck
♂ 38676
Member # 38676
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lil,
How to get out of the fog?! Well, when I saw my wife writhing in pain, when I saw her shaking uncontrollably, when I saw her deep in the throes of PTSD, that pretty much did it for me.

I just don't want to hurt either person

You don't understand yet(fog)that this POS AP doesn't deserve a lick of consideration. You have a good husband (so you said!) and family that you are about to throw away like trash. On a whim.

Don't do it. Do. not. do it. Whether or not your marriage works out, do not stay with the OM. Someone who was willing to help you blow your life to smithereens. No matter what you may think right now, he is not a nice person. He is not worth it. And when push comes to shove, you owe him nothing. Certainly nothing like the person you took vows with.

Do the right thing. I hope it works out for you and that you get what you want. But even if you don't, you need to know that you at least attempted to do what is right.

And cheating, much less continuing to do so, is not right.

It's just not.

It's time for DDay. It will be awful, I'm not going to lie to you. But it will be real and it will be true and it will be right. And you will be a better person for it.

Be brave. Do what you know you need to. We'll all be pulling for you.


Me - WH
Her - BW
Married 20 yrs, 3 kids
DDay - 17 Nov '12 (5 month PA)

Life's tough, it's tougher when your stupid.


Posts: 37 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: FL
Secrets Kept
♀ 40630
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just read your post & needed to respond.
I am currently working on my story for my profile but to summarize..........back in 2008, my H#2 & I were doing the "in-home" separation, per my choice due to years of unemployment & lack of ambition issues. I had moved all my things from the marital bedroom & we were basically living as roommates cuz he wouldn't leave.

During this time I began an EA with a co-worker which turned into a PA. I found that the feelings you have for the OM are not real. We would have NEVER survived a relationship together IRL. And not that I wanted to but I had to be realistic in my thinking for myself.

I thought......how would OM be taking on a life with me & 3 kids? He wouldn't. He was single, young, & free to do as he pleased. In my heart I knew it would never be. He knew I was technically married & I now realize that while we had the EA aspect together, I was basically just "free, no problems involved" sex to him. Why would he want different?

We ended the A only a month in of the PA & it was the best thing I could have done for myself. It pulls you out of the oh, so, unrealistic fog you get in during an A real fast.

It isn't true feelings you have with him or you would already know 100% what you needed or wanted to do. How long would you 2 survive under day-to-day life? Would he be OK becoming a stepdad figure to your 3 kids, help with household chores & homework, deal with a BH in the mix & all the other crap we deal with daily in real life? I, myself, doubt he would stick it out very long if at all. You are just still VERY deep in the fog!

The best advice I have to give to help you " see the light" on your true feelings, is to ask yourself those types of questions about your AP & give yourself the honest answers. But again, it is my opinion since you have to ask........you already know the answer deep in your heart. Otherwise your BH would already know & you would be gone with AP.

My last piece of advice on how you can tell what feelings are real is first.....end the affair & then tell your husband!!! It will be the hardest thing you have EVER done but he deserves to be able to make choices himself, which you are not giving him now. Plus.....he WILL find out someway, somehow, sometime, so be the bigger person, do what is right & tell him!!

Your BH actually sounds like a great guy, so give him a chance. He may very well be willing to work on your marriage if he is actually given a choice in the matter.
(BTW....it was your description of your BH that gave me that opinion, so to me, that says something else about your true feelings for him!?!?!)

Best of luck to you!!!

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:44 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)]


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 223 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
Brentwood
♀ 27465
Member # 27465
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:19 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]


Me BW (59) What?!?!
Him BH (59)

Posts: 178 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: S. California
outtamymind
♂ 33607
Member # 33607
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is the OM married? If so, he's cheating on his wife. Do you really want to be with a man who cheats on his wife?


Me: FWS 45

Divorced


Posts: 340 | Registered: Oct 2011
lillbug20
♀ 41511
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for taking the time to share your stories and give your advice. I'm taking bits from you all and trying to get things sorted.

I guess I need to give more details and clarify some things.
OM isn't married. Though yrs ago when the talking started he knew I was married...But I told him that I was unhappy and wanted to leave. I kinda perused him. Still wrong of him knowing I hadn't left yet...But I really thought I was going to then I feel pregnant abd things changed. Months ago my husband and I separated shortly due to me finding some things on his phone and during that time of separation, I told OM he was gone...And to this day I om still believes we're separated. I couldn't bring myself to actually leave because of the kids and me being scared so I started and reconciled with husband. Never told OM. One horrible decision after anther. Currently OM is wanting to buy us a house etc. He is willing to take on my three children and all that comes with me. Having been friends before the A, I know the type of person he is and what he'd be willing to do etc. I'm only defending his honor because he's somewhat a victim in this as well. I'm the one that needs the 2x4 across the face. Not him. I've hurt two people I love.

This is where the confusion comes in. I know typically affairs don't work out and are fantasy based...But what in my situation where you truly known them long before...have more than just lust in common. Like on a deeper level. Share dreams and hopes etc. I feel something for him that I've never for my husband. This much I know. But then there's my husband whom I do love but have always questioned what type of love. It's such a tricky situation. I want to do what's right I really do...It's so scary . I only work a small part time job abd can't fully support myself if I was to leave though OM is fully willing to help me in every way. be totally honest if no kids were involved I'd of left long ago. I've sacrificed for them. Yes I do love H...But I just don't know how to figure out in what way. My life's such a mess, I'm a mess and a failure to my children.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
lillbug20
♀ 41511
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH knows things aren't right. Keeps asking if I still love him and want to be with him etc. He basically told me I have till after Christmas to figure what I want to do. He's questioned if I'm seeing someone. I just didn't answer. I can't bring myself to do it. I don't have the strength. I'm so stuck in the middle like tug of war. I just want to disappear from this earth :(

Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
circe
♀ 6687
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not a tricky situation.

It's a commonplace situation, and there is really only one answer. You already know this, and you already know what the answer is - so I'm hoping you came here because you want back-up for what you already know to be true.

Stop. the. lies.

Stop lying to these men. Just stop. There is no happy future for a relationship that requires lies to function. The OM thinks you're single, your BH thinks you're faithful, you're holding all the cards and creating a false world around both of them. Does that sound like a "tricky" dilemma? Does that sound like it is a situation with no clear answer? Come on.

1. Tell your husband the truth, immediately. If his moral compass tells him to leave you, LET HIM. He's a grown man - a good one, from what you say - and he deserves the right to choose. He deserves - after all the years of being the stable guy you would "run to" - to be able to run to safety himself. It will be hard. Actually it will suck horribly. It is also the most important thing you can do. For yourself as well as him.

2. Tell the OM the truth and then STOP SEEING HIM. Stop seeing him until you're divorced. He's in love with a separated, divorcing woman. You aren't that woman. You are a married woman who is lying to him. He will need to digest that and get to know the real you. If he still loves you, then when you're single you can date him. That's how it works.

3. Stop thinking about what will work out best for you. You are not the only one who gets to choose. You are part of a couple, 50% of the couple equation. 50% of the parenting equation. You don't get to choose a fake story for your husband to live in. He's a super hard worker and awesome daddy, as you said, so give the man the most basic level of humanity due to us all by allowing him to know the world he's living in and make his own choices. At this point you are the only one making choices, and they are all about you.

Also, needing someone to financially support you and having that figure into whether you lie or tell the truth to the two men is really awful. You know that. Erase that from your list of justifications immediately.

You already know all this on some level. So those 2x4's are I think, I hope, what you're here looking for.

It sucks, lilbug, I won't lie. Showing someone who you really are, especially when "who you are" feels like crap, because "who you are" happens to be cheating and lying right now - is scary and humiliating. I was right there, showing my FBH "who I am" and that was a shady, shifty, boundary-less person who wasn't very loveable or worthy of respect. I wasn't a good wife. He sat there and stared at the REAL me and it was terrifying.

But that's how you GET to be the person a man can really love deeply. You show people who you are and you get to work on the parts that are hurtful and ugly, you strive for the parts that are good and pure and loving and each day you get to claim more of the good parts and less of the bad ones. But you have to start by showing your face.

So, yeah. Show your cards to both men. Take care of your marriage first in whatever way that happens. Give your husband the human gift of dignity. Leave the OM out of it. If your marriage is over, start over with the OM with his full knowledge of what he's choosing. Work on yourself to deserve the person you're with.

[This message edited by circe at 3:25 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 3197 | Registered: Mar 2005
lillbug20
♀ 41511
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know what I need to do...I just can't yet push myself to take the plunge. I'm standing on the edge of the cliff ready to jump yet my legs won't move. Everyone keeps saying just stop just do it...how do u "just stop". It feels as if I'm telling my lungs to quit breathing. Where do I find this courage at. I'm just a coward in hiding :(

Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
circe
♀ 6687
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You find it here. With other former cowards who took the plunge and lived to tell about it. And you find it inside you. You have it. You're a mother and a wife. You came to SI for a reason.

You knew when you poked around on here that no one would tell you your affair sounds romantic and dreamy and to have at it.

You came here and posted your story because you wanted some back-up for doing the right thing.

Everyone keeps saying just stop just do it...how do u "just stop".

Stop thinking about it as a negative then. Don't stop lying - start telling the truth.

You ask someone to watch your kids for the evening. You rehearse and feel like there's no way you're going to get the words out. You make fifteen false starts, but you can see at some point that your BH can already tell what you're going to say, and he's already in pain/angry, and so you finally say it. If you're smart, you'll tell him the truth without minimizing it or blaming him or "the marriage" for it. But if you're like me (and I think like most of us) you'll falter at the first vision of his pain/anger and trail off, and he'll have to demand the rest of you. It's ugly. It hurts.

But like I said, you can't get ANYWHERE you want to go from where you are now without going ^^there^^ first.

Also - no one who is allowed to post on this thread thinks it's easy. No one. No one here is being glib when they tell you to do it.


Posts: 3197 | Registered: Mar 2005
lillbug20
♀ 41511
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I hear people constantly saying if you really loved them you would've never cheated to begin with.

Is there truth to that?

What causes one to become wayward?

I definitely came here hoping to receive a harsh helping of reality and hoping someone would give me that push I need to get my life back on track. I appreciate everything I've read so far. I truly do.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
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