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Telling your parents....

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nekorb posted 12/2/2013 15:50 PM

How did you all tell your parents the news of the A and D/LS?

Mine are going to be devastated. They love my H. *I* love my H, and I'm devastated.

But seriously....we don't live in the same city and don't usually get together except for holidays, etc because of distance. Do I call them? What on EARTH do I say?

I'm making WH tell the kids when we sit down with them. How HE has made the decision to leave, HE wouldn't participate in MC, HE had an A....

But then there's there ever a good time to tell them? The kids that is. I hate the idea of my DD coming home from college expecting this marvelous Christmas break with her family only to be met with this situation.

I don't even know that it is happening anytime soon....because of circumstances with DD17, we are currently in a holding pattern of not changing anything in the household, so the pretending that he wants to be here and that I'm not dying inside is monumental.

We have an appt with DD's counselor this Friday coming up. I'm sure the topic of when to tell the kids in relation to DD17's issues is going to come up. If she tells him waiting won't matter, I'm interested to see what he does. He's been all hell-fire anxious to get out of here....

God, this hurts so badly....some days I just don't even know how I stand it.....or if I can....

ruby44 posted 12/2/2013 16:27 PM

Amen Sister,
I made my WH tell my DDs he was moving out and divorcing me. It was horrible. Gut wrenching sadness on all our parts but him. He said it like matter of fact, told them it was a life lesson for them etc. Horrible. I told my parents on the phone. They cried, everyone I tell cries because of the devastation he so casually causes. My DDs need extra hugs and so do I and it works but there are days that nothing works and I just want to hit something or someone so hard that they know how bad I feel. They say it will get better little by little and somedays it seems better and then I crash again. I am too new here to give you any advice just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

nekorb posted 12/2/2013 17:55 PM

Thanks ruby.

::fist bump::

miadianna posted 12/2/2013 18:22 PM

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I remember it very well. My dad died when I was five, so it's just my mom and siblings and honestly, they were not surprised because of what had been happening in my marriage but it was still so very hard. My dreams were also her dreams. Marriage, children, our family. She was livid with my XH for destroying all of that and very sad for me and my children.

I also made my XH tell my children because this was his choice. I wasn't going to speak for him. They didn't know of his cheating right away, just that he was moving out. He said he would come back every week to see them, but never did.

phmh posted 12/2/2013 19:29 PM


I also remember that conversation with my mom. Even though I only live an hour away, I told them over the phone, the day after D-Day, at 6 in the morning before work.

It was heart breaking -- my parents loved XWH like a son and they felt so betrayed and stunned.

I found out later my dad went in late to work (which he never does) because he sat in the dark living room for several hours trying to cope with things.

My parents were more supportive than I could have imagined.

The dread and worry over telling them was worse than actually telling them. My advice is to tell them as soon as you can and start receiving support.

I just said, "Mom, I have some bad news. B**** cheated on me and we're getting divorced. I still can't believe it. I love you." through tears.

Brighter days are ahead, even though I know it's impossible to see at this point.


nekorb posted 12/2/2013 20:58 PM

I was definitely thinking of opening with, "I have some bad news...".

I don't want to tell them until WH actually files or does something to indicate he is truly moving forward with his plans. My dad will NEVER forgive him. Ever. Which is why I haven't told them thus far...I'm still hoping to R in the future.

h0peless posted 12/2/2013 21:18 PM

I don't exactly remember how I told them. I remember sitting in my Mom's living room and talking to her, just crying my eyes out and she was crying too. I told my Dad a few weeks later. Don't remember much of that. I was in such a fog back then that the period of time between July 29, 2012 and sometime in the middle of November 2012 is pretty hard to remember.

HurtsButImOK posted 12/2/2013 21:31 PM

I called my mum a couple of hours after finding out. X had just got back from his overseas fuckfest. I was a puddle of tears and snot. Got the ok to move back in with her for a period, contacted my boss got the ok to transfer interstate and had my exit planned. It was a Saturday.

X told his parents. Surprise, surprise his version of the truth was anything but factual. Still annoys me to this day that they don't know the full story but I am learning to accept that it no longer matters and move on.

Its hard though, I felt like such a failure at the time. Saying it out loud also made it real and that hurt.

Pass posted 12/2/2013 22:20 PM

Tell your parents now, nekorb. My parents are very old-fashioned and unemotional - while I am the exact opposite of both of those things - so I had no idea what their response would be.

When I moved out, I gave them a bullshit line about The Princess and I growing apart. I even lied to them when they asked me (point-blank) if she had cheated. It wasn't until about seven months later that I decided "fuck it!" and told them. It "came out in conversation".

Their reactions:

DAD: Well I can't say we're surprised.

MOM: The way she's been dressing the past few years has been shameful.

They knew more than I thought they did, and they were just waiting to give me the support I needed. I should have just told them from the start.

crazynot posted 12/6/2013 00:11 AM

I told my Mum because we had gone to stay with her, taking my son and leaving my daughter at home (she was 18 and finishing high school soon so needed to study). Mum was horrified, she thought of him as a son, he'd previously always been the PERFECT soninlaw and father to her grandchildren and, she thought (as did I, then) my soulmate. But after she knew I found it incredibly, INCREDIBLY helpful to have her to talk to. She was amazing, supported me through the false R, again when he left, and then financially, emotionally and every other way when I decided to file for D and leave the area with my kids. She was an unbelievable support, more than I ever dreamed. I miss her every day, she died in April. On another note, I swore my kids didn't know and wouldn't know. When it all came out anyway, they told me they had both been told by other people and that they suspected anyway. If I had that time again, I would have been the one to tell them, and I would have done it straight away. REAL EMOTIONAL HARM happened in that period where I was pretending to them that everything was fine, because they felt they had to pretend to me too.

Iamacrab posted 12/6/2013 09:29 AM

My family has been the biggest support ever.

When STBXH first said he thought he wanted to D I was so confused. I called my mother immediately and she and my dad were just shocked, as they had seen him 2 weeks prior and he seemed totally normal. He hugged them the whole normal deal. That was the last time they saw him.

For a few days they speculated with me, was it another DUI, another medical issue? No one ever thought of an affair. Well, I guess my dad did, but he didn't say it to either my mom or I at the time.

Then when I found the "I love you/want to spend the rest of my life with you" emails he sent OW I called my mom for support that night and stayed at my parents house for 2 days, and they and my sibling have been so thoughtful and helpful in the time since.
STBXH told his mom "The marriage is over, I'm seeing someone else and I'm happy" - just like that. She told him that was unacceptable.

I think my parents are angrier than me even, aside from their own hurt and disappointment as he betrayed them too. Lean on them for support. We all need to be as kind to ourselves and take that support when we need it.

Thinking positive thoughts for you and your family.

[This message edited by Iamacrab at 9:30 AM, December 6th (Friday)]

Pippy posted 12/6/2013 15:11 PM

My parents were D over 30 years ago. My Mom was battling cancer and passed away the day my D came through. My Dad had one thing to say..."Well you'll just have to roll with the punches." He was a WS, so I guess I should have expected that.

clralb posted 12/6/2013 18:03 PM

I told my sisters first and then Mom. I'm the youngest in the family (44 now, believe it or not), and sisters were ready to kill.

Mom doesn't swear much, but when I told her, every cuss word you could think of came out of her mouth. If anyone hurts one of her kids, whether she likes them or not (wouldn't say she "loved" ex), even though she's 80, she said if he were in front of her she would punch him in the fuc**** face. Total support. I love my family.

I live in a different state. Sisters and brother-in-law drove the ten hours here to help me pack up. I told ex he'd better stay away while we're packing. He did.

Dad (89 now) told me I could have thrown a rock into a group of men and the first one it hit would have been better than the creep I married. Yeah, we're all close.

BAB61 posted 12/7/2013 08:27 AM

Maybe I'm just cold-hearted, or maybe my heart is just encased in the ice generated by his lies and TT ... but I told him I was done and wanted a divorce. Then I asked him about his A's .. he admitted to 10 years .. was trying to get by with admitting to one from Aug this year, smh. I knew he was lying, finally found proof of the second A ... and confronted him.

He agreed to move out. I went outside with the dog and called my mom, after I posted on fb about it. I wanted all his friends that know me, to know what a lying sack he is.

Who knows when I'll break down .. 22 years down the tubes because he couldn't keep his dick in his pants. smh

Oh, and my Mom LOVED him, he always got his favorite meal when we visited her. Her response "Well.... these things happen"

[This message edited by BAB61 at 8:29 AM, December 7th (Saturday)]

peacelovetea posted 12/7/2013 12:57 PM

I told my brother first as a trial run. He and his wife were horrified and supportive. My SIL in particular was like "you go girl" when I told them he had cheated.

I waited another week to tell my parents, because my dad was out of town and my brother pointed out that she would want him there, plus then I wouldnt have to tell twice. I just said it flat out, that we were splitting up, and that it was because he had cheated and our efforts to fix it had not worked. I did not give details as I did not want o talk to them about it. They were not supportive, and continue to not be supportive, but I did not expect them to be so c'est la vie.

Here's a funny story -- they came to visit about 5 months after we S, and a few days before they arrived my dad asked if they should stay in a hotel -- "do you have furniture?" I was like, "no dad, we've been living on the floor for 5 months, me and the three kids. I am useless at fending for myself and have no idea where one would purchse an item like a sofa." What the hell?!

Its funny now but at the time I just thought, wow, is that really how they see me? Particularly since it was me that did everything before X left, so its no different now.

tara1110 posted 12/7/2013 23:41 PM

My parents doesn't know and I don't know how to tell them. They both live overseas, my dad has glaucoma and is almost totally blind. My mom is his primary caregiver. Although my dad is still physically able, his vision has slowed him down. My mom, on the other hand, has a heart disease. They both love my STBX. I just don't have the heart to hurt them with the news. When my STBX goes back to deployment in January, I will then, break the news to my parents but for now, since there's still too much emotions and it's still raw, I feel like I'm gonna break down again when I tell them.

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