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Ok, so I wrote the letters.

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letitout posted 12/2/2013 16:41 PM

I have been struggling with the thought of outing the prostitutes to their employers. Yes, some of them do have jobs. I have written the letters and ready to mail but do not plan on mailing them.

I want to bring this up in MC to my H that I am going to do this. I want to bring it up because I want him to say "I will support you in whatever you decide, I love you and if it will help you heal then I will be by your side. I want our relationship to work and I love you. They meant nothing to me."

Instead, I will probably hear "If you do this I will be really mad and maybe not survive our relationship. They trusted me with their personal information and I would not do anything to hurt them in anyway. We are through if you do this. i am a kind person and don't want to disrupt their lives (he prides himself on being kind).

My question is: Do I bring it up in MC to see what kind of response I get or do I just let it go. I do not plan on sending the letters anyway. Is it worth it? Should I know where he stands on this issue? I really don't want to leave. Would this push him over the edge? If I don't want to leave, why would I want to bring this up?

Holly-Isis posted 12/2/2013 17:26 PM

Can you consult MC beforehand?

If you do, plan ahead. At the end, be ready to tell him "I wanted to see you love and protect me. Instead I see you protecting yourself and the prostitutes. This tells me you have so much more work to do." Also, be prepared for comments he might make:

If you do this I will be really mad and maybe not survive our relationship.

Really? But I'm supposed to rebuild a relationship after you used multiple prostitutes?

They trusted me with their personal information

Like I trusted you with our vows? My heart? My health? the fidelity shared between the two of us?

I would not do anything to hurt them in anyway.

Hurting me is acceptable though?

We are through if you do this.

How does it feel to finally have a boundary...only against the woman you were supposed to love and protect?

i am a kind person

Kind people don't betray the people that love them. They don't put them at risk of STDs, crazy APs and heartbreak. Kind people don't use women for sex, telling themselves paying for it makes up for the use of their bodies.

don't want to disrupt their lives

Setting aside the fact that you disrupted my life, let's look at their lives. They are prostitutes. They know the risk...unlike a faithful wife who couldn't even fathom the man she cherished would cheat...

Prostitutes risk diseases, abuse, death...and being outed by betrayed wives. They know the risks and choose to take them for whatever reason. They took my choices from me in saying yes to you, why do I owe them protection?

letitout posted 12/2/2013 17:35 PM

Wonderful advise Holly-Isis. Thank you so much. Yes I will plan ahead. I will ask to see the MC before the session and be prepared for his answers. I can relax a little now. Thanks.

standingonmarble posted 12/2/2013 19:14 PM

I also struggled with sending the letters, I spoke with my therapist, BFF and my pastor. I sent them of with a prayer and kiss.

fWH was pissed when he found out but we/he learned more truth about what actually happened. His therapist told him that I was unhinged to be able to do that. ???? I just kept telling myself that the truth will set everyone free that is involved in this and eventually fWH found that freedom from cherishing that time period and those people. (The AP and her accomplices) You will piss him off, push him away and maybe lose everything you have right now. But, is what you have right now worth hanging onto? I swear an A has a way of tearing everything down to nothing and if you are blessed to both be determined enough to rebuild, you can have a much better marriage. I just "celebrated" my 3 year anniversary last weekend of my final D-day. It wasn't even an issue this year for me. Not as in the past. WE are going good. It took a long time to get here, about a year after I sent those letter before we were living together again.

My point is don't be scared and don't hold out hope for hearing him defend you and not protect them. I didn't hear that until the dust settled months after the letters. He was not in the right head space to appreciate what they did for him/us. I also didn't warn him either because I knew he would warn them.

Good luck with your letters, I hope they accomplish what you want them to.

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