So this weekend ended up being quite the surprise.
To start with my BH was away at work last week and it was rough week, hard on both of us. Discussions and the revolving questions, and the reality that there is NO reasonable explaination and no mater what my past issues have been or what may have lead me to give myself permission to cheat, are just excuses. They are to me and tohim. He has also told me now that I am no different than any other woman out there, so there is no point for him to go look and start over, and that he will not be able to forgive me.
And that he believes love is a decision and he has decided this is what he wants and he does love me and not willing to give up the life he and Ihave built.
So after that kind of week. I was uncertain as to what to expect next, he had apoligised about what he said to me and wishes not to discuss his triggers as it leads to this type of discussion.
I told him , I asked about it with the knowledge it may go that way, but I know what he says is truths and deserving from my past actions. And not to be sorry. He wants to reconcile so does not want to do anymore damage.
I must admit I was in a dismal feeling, uncertain of anything. Then the day ended up with him joking with me and him trying to lighten the load. I so appreciate this and it really only shows me more what a man of character he is and what a POS I have been. Kicks me to my soul. Its hard to stand or face him ,that's another thing.
SO where this is leading too. We had a social function to go to Friday night, and I was starting to get real nervouse and uncertain about going. He was not going to be there as he had to stay at work. So Thursday night, I said as much. and he supported me and said it would be okay I would be with friends and that he feels the same way, somewhat displaced in social functions. So we talked about that and chatted normal till it was time to sleep.
Well in the morning we did I narmal texting and he said he was going to be busy so be a bit. Once again I started contemplating not to go to this function. Just didn't feel up to it without him with me. It felt wrong.
Well I was cleaning our bedroom when I heard the door open. HE HAD COME HOME!
1 He hates to surprise me because that is what he was trying to do when he found me with AP and everytime he comes home he likes to make sure I know, He surprised me and it had been in the works for 2 days, my friends new :-)
2 He hates functions also because of his shame of me.
Now he came home, he was happy, loving, we actually had a good time, he asked me to dance he was attentive. Everything a woman could ask for on a date.
And yet I feel sad ,
Sad that it isn't just that an awesome time out, that I have to think of all the whys and hows and what ifs. It was beautiful, It was romantic and it was HUGE!!!! and yet.
The question to myself , can I just accept he wanted to and be happy and actually allow myself to enjoy the feeling I had when I allowed myself to forget for a moment. Is it allright to do that. Or ...
A lifetime of this, when the night was perfect, and yet the tint of remorse and sadness lingers and darkens everything, and all because of me.
I know it was a good night, I just know you all will know the other side of it. Thanks for listening.