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do you find it hard to make promises anymore?

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Darkness Falls posted 12/2/2013 21:59 PM

I do. It feels awkward and insincere (even when I mean it sincerely) to "promise" something...anything.

If promises meant nothing before, why on earth make them now?

I'm not talking about hypocrisy. I'm talking about truly meaning it, having pure intent, and following through---but yet still finding that it feels hollow and farcical to say "I promise."

I 100% believe that people can change. I suppose these days I just prefer my actions to do the talking rather than words that sound empty (even if they're not).

BaxtersBFF posted 12/3/2013 08:16 AM

That's something that is kind of weird for me...that I have always committed to things, and for the most part have followed through, except for some glaring examples of failure...I guess I haven't thought of those commitments as promises. Seems like there is a difference somehow.

I still commit. It doesn't seem insincere to do so. I'm less likely to commit now than in the past due mostly to learning to say no. But promises...the only ones that matter to me are to my wife and kids. Also, myself. And those are sincere promises that I work to uphold.

It sounds like maybe you are afraid of failing to keep your promises. You know you can do them and show that by your actions, but you have to see it to believe yourself.

islesguy posted 12/3/2013 09:44 AM

I never say those words now unless I am 100% positive that I can deliver. I am not referring to infidelity. Just in general if my wife or kids ask me for something.

heartbroken2012 posted 12/3/2013 10:02 AM

No stop sign...but as a BS, I sometimes feel its hard to believe my WH when he makes promises to me.

Its hard. I believed all of his promises, swears, pinky promises etc and thought them to be true only to find out they were not.

rachelc posted 12/3/2013 10:17 AM

no, not at all. What Im getting really good at - saying no. I hadn't realized how much i did what people asked of me... and I seriously can't believe what people ask.

MissesJai posted 12/3/2013 12:24 PM

Nope - as long as I know I can honor my commitments, I go for it. If I have a gut feeling that I may not be able to keep the promise, I speak up. And like Baxters, I prefer to look at them as commitments. Maybe the terms are interchangeable....

knightsbff posted 12/3/2013 14:37 PM

Yes!

I really think I get what you are saying here. If I make a commitment to do something or not do something to my BS and am 100% sure I will follow through and keep the commitment the words of the promise still taste icky in my mouth.

I had always been a person who keeps commitments prior to the A. A promise was a promise. I accepted so much filth from myself to allow myself to have an A (lying, selfishness, rationalization, breaking promises, failing to keep commitments, shirking responsibilities) that even though I am working hard to be someone I can respect saying the words is painful. Maybe because I have to put a now at the end of everything....forever.

"I promise I will be faithful, and treat you with love and respect...from now on."

Darkness Falls posted 12/3/2013 18:10 PM

knightsbff,

Yes, that's exactly it. Even if I'm 100% sure...there's that icky taste.

Baxters...I do think part of it is fear...of letting myself down; of letting others down; bad history as it were. But I think another part of it is that I just feel foolish, like who am I to stake my word on something?

I hope I can get to the point that all of you have reached.

MissesJai posted 12/3/2013 18:19 PM

I hope I can get to the point that all of you have reached.
You will - it just takes time and work. Do the work and you will get there.

looking forward posted 12/3/2013 18:24 PM

If promises meant nothing before, why on earth make them now?

I'm not talking about hypocrisy. I'm talking about truly meaning it, having pure intent, and following through---but yet still finding that it feels hollow and farcical to say "I promise."

Could it be that you have not found grace within yourself...that you are lacking self-esteem and doubting yourself?
It takes time to find yourself....intense inner reflection.

Darkness Falls posted 12/3/2013 21:50 PM

looking forward, I doubt myself all the time. Not in my ability to do right, but in that it means anything.

SisterMilkshake posted 12/4/2013 13:12 PM

MisterSister broke many promises. Not just fidelity related. He made promises lightly and broke them often.

He would often ask me to promise. I wouldn't. I would tell him that I don't make promises that I'm not sure I can keep. I would also remind him of that when he would give me the old "I promise" bit.

I just prefer my actions to do the talking rather than words
I agree with this, heartbroken. Save the promises. I would much prefer my FWH to just say "I will" or "I won't"(whatever fits) and follow through. That is what really means something to me.

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