Okay being sick sucks. Being sick and depressed sucks it harder. I am backsliding so hard. I was in a good place mentally, now I'm back to obsessive thoughts, nitpicking everything about my past, every friendship that ended badly, any flirtation, interaction, and even trying to put categories on myself that I know I don't fall into because yes if I'm a rotten horrible person then I deserve all the rotten horrible shit my life has been for almost 1.5 yrs. Holy shit!! Its been damn near a year and a half since all this began. I force myself to stop, I distract myself, I go to a happy place in my mind but as soon as I relax I force myself, let me repeat I FORCE myself to feel like shit again and the obsessive thinking starts again.
Oh btw I still love him, although the adoration is gone, its been replaced by the idea that there's a lot I accepted from him pre A that I just didn't notice. Please allow me to list it:
1. He's very very very sarcastic about everything.
2. He never takes responsibility for shit he's gotten himself into unless yout blatantly showing him. For example I apparently never paid half of out expenses at any point in our relationship. I'm not paying half now while I live here and while we were together he always made sure I was taken care of. Now he's almost out of money and has to cash out one of his investments. Excuse me!? There was a poiny when my ENTIRE paycheck went to us, and after that I still paid a huge chunk. Did it come out to half? No it didn't because I was also going to school, and had CC of my own that got ran up trying to keep us afloat when you lost your job. I found us the nice apt we live in that is $350 cheaper then where we were before this, I budgeted and kept us going on what we had. I got sick and couldn't contribute this month so now we need to talk about how your money is running out. GUESS WHAT THATS NOT MY FAULT!!!! You decided to not work for over 4 years and live off your inheritance, you decided to not put in applications and you have the fucking nerve to tell me that part of it is that you bought me what I needed and helped me pay off my CC's twice. Well guess what I didnt ask you to buy me shit, nor did I ask you to pay off anything even though one of the times my CC's were high was because I was making sure we had food!!! Omg I wish I had money to just toss at him for all the expenses I apparently incurred for him. And also you're not broke, you dony want to waste it I get that but I am not to blame for your financials, I got my own to worry about.
3. He doesn't know how to give constructive criticism. It always sound like he's insulting you because you can't figure something out that is so simple to him.
There's more but those are the standout in my head right now. Oh and then he watched this feminist are horrible, women are horrible and are destroying men and are terrible creatures video in from of me, I wish I had the link so you guys could see it.
So I get angry and hurt and so fucked in the head by all this that as I explained above the obsessive thoughts hit. I need to just have peace again....I still love him.
"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss