It's not like we're miserable, we have good times, more then we use to. But deep inside sometimes I'm just sad! I want so much more!!! But I don't want to give up my family. I've struggled like this off and on since we've started to "R", but I can't get passed the love part.
I'm just so lost right now, I know 4 years ago this time I was so depressed, ready to walk out on my family and leave everyone behind, I didn't realize my husband had stopped loving me and given up on me, I was to deep in my PPD to see it. A month from now will be the 4 years from when the A started, (dday #1 wasn't until march 1st though).
When does all of this get better??? I know time is suppose to heal, and guess it has gotten better on some days, and yeah he tt'd for 3 years but the tt acts aren't what I'm struggling with, it's the lies and the Love issues that I'm stuck on!!! How long does one hold on for hope until just giving up?
You say that your H stopped loving you before the A and is yet to love you again. I'm so sorry; that cannot be easy. Has he discussed this lack of love with you or is it something you are assuming based on his actions? How did he show you love prior to the A and your PPD ? Is he doing any of those same things now?
"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife
"Regret is when you realize you broke your own heart.
Remorse is when you realize you broke someone else's." - Blakesteele
I guess he cherishes and loves me this way.
I would like to be married to someone who can go toe to toe with me intimately... not sure if that person exists...
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Relax, everything’s out of control” – Adi Da Samraj
"I have realized that he will never change to the point that "I" want him too"
"I would like to be married to someone who can go toe to toe with me intimately... not sure if that person exists..."
it takes work to be completely emotionally and physically intimate...and my former WW just doesnt get it...she would rather talk about her career than her feelings
WW never read any books either..refused to read them or any articles i printed from the healing library
her WW- 57
7 yr LTA (PA & EA) with her former boss
one D-24 yrs old- former eating disorder now OCB
married 25 yrs
in "R" and its been roller-coaster
confronted 6 wks later (dropped 35# in those 6 wks.and was hospitalized 2-days for chest pains)
I contacted AP's faithful wife outed their "A" (she knew nothing)and we both kept tabs on our waywards
True NO Contact- July 2012
Fog, denials, blame shifting, rub sweeping, TT selfish, stubborn...lots of mal-adapted coping skills, no boundaries...you name it and she did it but things are finally getting better very slowly ...its a long road....and painful
wh stopped loving me before his A started when I was dealing with PPD, and he's yet to love me still
I don't believe BS can ever feel "good" about their love for WS when they don't feel loved by WS.
Married over 9 years, together for 18.
DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).
I have realized that he will never change to the point that "I" want him too. I will have to accept him or move on. He'll never read a book, figure out his place in the drama triangle, find an article for me to read....
what he will do: probably remain faithful, take care of me financially, do loads of housework because he thinks that's my love language, fill my car with gas, do all sorts of maintenance stuff and take care of many kid issues....
I guess he cherishes and loves me this way.
^^ This exactly!
Then I read this on a reply...
And that's another issue. I don't know that he will ever meet me toe to toe intimately. I feel like he will just never change, including his love for me, if he ever regains that.
He has told me he hasn't loved me since He stopped loving me during my ppd, but I look back and question if he stopped loving me long before they. Although he continued to say "I love you" until a year ago. I knew he hadn't meant it for awhile, and he was just saying it out of habit, only saying it when he was leaving or going to bed. He showed it no other way, and hasn't for a long time before that. When we did a trial in-house separation a year ago I told him not to say it unless he meant it. When we ended the in-house separation 6 months ago and started working on us, I told him not to say it unless he really truly meant it because I couldn't handle him lying about this after all the deceit would break me once and for all. I have said it a few times, but get so hurt when he doesn't reply back (and I don't expect it nor want it if it's not true). But it doesn't hurt any less.
I just want to be loved, cherished, wanted, and desired by my husband... like he did ow, (I never realized this last piece until I wrote it here). I am not sure though if he's capable of loving me the way I need to be loved to make me feel reassurance that he's with me forever.
Sorry if this is all over the place, I'm just trying to get it all out
[This message edited by scangel3 at 2:20 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)]
It isn't your inability to love him, it's his inability to love you.
You are far too young to give your life up.I would not waste more time waiting for him to love you.
It killed me to read this, to live it must be devastating.
Not in a bad way I suppose. It just made me really look at it.
I hate all of this crap we all have to go through!!!
I avoid this site lately, because we do "better" when I am not on here all of the time. I get to "forget" about the A and just pretend to be happy.
But what this site really does is makes his choices front an center daily for me as well as what I need to be doing for myself and my kids. Not his A, more his lack of love for me still to this day. Lately I come back when I have broken as far as I can break, and just need to talk with people that Get it. And all of you do!!!
I posted a new message in General, I was in the midst of a break down/panic attack screaming in my car, and wrote it all out. I have used writing/poetry to get through other rough times in my life, but haven't much for this. Fear of the pain I am assuming. But I did it, and it fealt great. It's quite long but to see all the pain I hold inside still 4 years later, is earth shattering and heart breaking!!! I haven't showed wh the "poem" yet, and not sure I should. It's pretty "mean" at points and heart renching. It's called "scream" if anyone wants to go find it. I just posted it a couple of minutes ago. Again though it is quite long.
I really appreciate all the support I get from all of you on here. Knowing I am not alone in this horrific tragedy that is my marriage,gives some comfort
I am sorry SI makes it difficult, but we both know it's really the truth that makes it so hard.
Living a lie and pretending to be happy is no way to live. Trust me.
Find your happiness, true happy.
You deserve it.
[This message edited by karmahappens at 9:41 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]
We got to have a date night last night, something we don't get to do as much as we would like, and really enjoyed each other's company.
Don't know if this would help you or not, but we are exploring what made us fall in love so long ago (1994) and revisiting those things from today's perspective. When we were talking one night, I asked her after all of this, what did we have left? Her answer was that what we had was real, not the make believe of an A. So what makes it real? Working 5 or 6 days a week, doing homework with kids, maintaining a house, cars, yards, picking up milk, diapers, prescriptions, rubbing her feet when they hurt. Everyday life is real, we have to look for moments for ourselves to be with each other. Grab them when you can! A's are nothing but unicorn farts and fairy dust, they are not real love.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
We wwere talking last night about all the pain I was feeling and how yes I love him but as the father of my children, as a friend. I don't love him as a husband. I feel like I don't know who he is anymore. When we were talking it came up about our huge differences, that weren't so different when we got married. I would love to travel (a mission/volunteer thing in a 3rd world country) and be gone fora whole summer or move to Hawaii to finish my sociology degree, the reason I won't do either is my family... my mom, sister, and our kids, but honestly my wh not being able to do either of those is not holding me back, him not going with me (if I went) does not feel like a bad thing, it almost feels right. I don't know if it's the strength I've come into thru this whole process, knowing I could do this on my own and be ok, or if I'm just done fighting for a marriage I am not sure I really want anymore.
To be honest I think taking a "break" in another Country for a few weeks to a month would do me/us wonders. But my kids, the whole reason I'm still in this marriage to begin with, I just can't leave.