SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Have you read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

soconfusednow posted 12/3/2013 00:52 AM

On days that are difficult for me my WH will state what he has done (calls when he is late, passwords, etc.), says he feels like he can never do enough, and then asks what he is supposed to do?

The problem is I donít have an answer for him.

Has anyone read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. MacDonald?

Iím thinking about getting it to help me express my needs.

BAB61 posted 12/3/2013 01:16 AM

No, but I bought my WH "After the Affair, Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust when a Partner has been Unfaithful" by Janis Abrahms Spring, Phd with Michael Spring. I plan to read it too. In addition I bought "The Essential Guide to Surviving Infidelity" by Liz Currin, Phd. If you get that reply and let me know how it is.

[This message edited by BAB61 at 1:17 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday)]

rachelc posted 12/3/2013 06:02 AM

yes, the humility the WS needs to help the BS recover is so very present in that book and mentioned over and over.
That said, I sat my husband down and made him read it after his affair. He promptly had another one.

lostworld posted 12/3/2013 07:02 AM

It was a great book for my husband and me to read. I don't know how much of it sinks in early in R, particularly with a foggy WS, but I highly recommend it to anyone going through this mess. My H read it early on, and then read it again later, and it brought more and different insight each time he/we read it.

LA44 posted 12/3/2013 07:29 AM

My H actually bought After the Affair by Janet Springs, read it and asked me to read it. I bought, How to Help your Spouse..... We both read it. I found the latter very good for the spouse who hasn't a sweet clue what to do/where to start. It's repetitive and drives the point home clearly.

After the Affair was our main guide though. It has some really excellent chapters ie: How to talk about the A and producing a Critical Timeline (not of the A but of all the major stresses you were facing as individuals and as a couple just prior to A). It also asks each party to look at life-long personal struggles (or what is known on here as FOO - Family of Origin issues). The examples are all very good and easy to relate too.

Excellent book!

[This message edited by LA44 at 7:29 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday)]

Sammy2013 posted 12/3/2013 07:37 AM

My WH read How to Help Your Spouse... and it helped him tremendously. He came to me in tears and said he had been doing everything wrong (and he had). It was the first of many changes in him. The MC and IC has helped tremendously too.

He (and we to an extent) still has a lot of work to do. He has to change a lot about himself, something that isn't easy. But the book helped open his eyes enough to stop him in is tracks and say "Whoa, who am I?"

2married2quit posted 12/3/2013 07:41 AM

The book helps, but also your DDAY wasn't too long ago. The first year it is a lot of stuff to deal with. And even afterwards... depression sets in sometimes. That's where I'm at. :(

struggling16 posted 12/3/2013 07:41 AM

This book was of immense value in helping my WH see the reality of his actions. We read it together, one chapter at a time and discussed everything.

Immediately after Dday, I purchased numerous books. We read them all together. This one and "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass were the most helpful.

I do wish he would reread it.

rachelc posted 12/3/2013 08:03 AM

My H actually bought After the Affair by Janet Springs, read it and asked me to read it.

and this LA, along with your loving spirit, is why recovery with him is going well, and I know you've had a few bumps. The WS actually getting a book and asking the BS to read it with him - that usually doesn't happen.

ItsaClimb posted 12/3/2013 13:22 PM

I found How to Help Your Spouse Heal excellent. My fWH isn't a big reader, this book is short, concise, to the point and it made him see clearly what he should be doing if he wanted to R with me. I highly recommend it as a starting point.

LA44 posted 12/3/2013 16:39 PM

@ you rachelc true. I haven't read on here many WS's who took initiative by buying a book. Think that happened in week 2. I almost threw it at him when he suggested I read it. He kept reading and I knew I needed help. So I read it.

Soconfusednow, when I read your initial post I thought that its great that you want to express your needs more clearly but....he needs to own it and work at it. Daily! Telling you that he feels he can never do enough should not come out of his mouth. I think that is even in the book!

Let him know that one of your needs is for him to buy the book and read it. And that you will read it w him.

Jrazz posted 12/3/2013 16:41 PM

I bought it and FWH read it. It contributed to a pretty big turning point in his outlook.

2married2quit posted 12/3/2013 16:58 PM

This book was of immense value in helping my WH see the reality of his actions. We read it together, one chapter at a time and discussed everything.

We tried this but my wife couldn't bare to read it. It was hard core reality. A silly little act and the hard core pain it caused.

Immediately after Dday, I purchased numerous books. We read them all together. This one and "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass were the most helpful.

Amazing book. Changed our perspective of how we interact with other people and protect our marriage.

blakesteele posted 12/3/2013 19:56 PM

I didn't read all of the responses....but GET THIS BOOK!!!!

It is a must read...number 2 right after Not Just Friends.

Another good one for BS to read is Love Must Be Tough by Dr. Dobson.

God be with us all.

BAB61 posted 12/4/2013 00:51 AM

Guess I'm going shopping for a couple more books. He's been reading 'After the Affair' but he's acting like he's done enough because he's said he was sorry ... um ... NO!

SoVerySadNow posted 12/4/2013 06:51 AM

I've read it. Short read. Finally10 read it first. It has some good points. I've bought some of the others mentioned and plan on working through them. As someone else mentioned, attention post A isn't the same for some of us.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.