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The A's served to shine a spotlight on our M. It seems as though there were many issues that I blissfully glossed over and made perfect in my head. Reading through the forums I don't think I am alone there.

Problem is, now that I look at things more clearly I struggle with accepting some of WH less than admirable traits. Previously, I could have balanced out the good with the bad, (If I actually acknowledged the bad). But all this A shit keeps tipping the scales in my head.

I can no longer comfort myself with thoughts of 'despite any flaws, he loves me and is a good husband and great father'. Good husbands and great fathers just don't do the kind of shit that he did!!

I do see that he is 'trying', perhaps not in ways that I have specifically asked for but none-the-less 'trying' and I thought that I had forgiven him so... How can I reprogram that little voice in my head??

Not sure if I can be of help but a suggestion that comes to mind is to maybe try and focus on his good points. Try and off set the bad with reprogramming to think of the good.

Often I find myself 'catastrophising' when things go wrong, it snowballs and what should be a small irritation (or a succession of them) becomes the worst thing ever. I mentally stop, take some deep breaths and focus on something small, it might be a butterfly flitting by, a joke that made me chuckle. From there I can get a better sense of perspective and not feel overwhelmed by the negatives.

I understand that its not going to be easy, the A causes so much damage.

((vivere))

I don't know if we can actually reprogram ourselves to not look at the person we now see we are married to. The flaws after an A become too obvious to us to not overlook anymore. We now know what they are capable of doing to us and even to themselves. JMO of course and maybe some people can get past the betrayal, but I would consider myself a bigger fool than I already have been to try and convince myself otherwise. (((HUGS)))