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Think I'm finally moving on

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SecondHelping posted 12/3/2013 07:37 AM

We are no longer in MC so I'm on my own with my healing. I'm a thinker, not a talker (I know that's been a lot of my problems before DD and somewhat since), so I've had time to search inside myself and try to figure who I am and what I want.

First, I do still love my fWW. I'm trying desperately to love her the way I used to, but I think that will come with time.

Second, I've let the OM go. I stopped wondering about him and worrying he will try to contact her. I no longer drive past his house/work or check his FB. HE IS NOBODY TO ME. (Now if I ever meet him face to face and he says something, I swear I'll punch him if the face but that's different)

Third, I finally realized the one I am (and should be) mad at is my fWW. SHe is the one that did this to us. She is showing regret and remorsefulness. SHe is loving and desperately wants me to heal.

Fourth, I've learned to control my mind movies and triggers. Yes they still happen and probably always will. (I hope they decrease) Most of the times, nobody knows it's happening, but if fWW is around I sometimes let her know. THEY NO LONGER CONTROL ME.

Fifth, Sex problems are decresing. Lately I've had feelings of sexual inferiority, but for the most part, I'm having very few sexual problems. We've worked through most of them, the rest should not be a problem.

I feel I have accepted the situation (shit sandwich) and am prepared to live with it. Her affair is now part of me. Who I am so to speak. It's part of my experiences and it has shaped me into who I am today. I'm beginning to like myself now, so while it wasn't a good thing she did...good things came of it.

There are a few things I wish my fWW would do. She is willing to do anything, but her effort doesn't last. I have to keep reminding her, which REALLY bugs me.

First, Read! She has only finished two books in 15 months. I have bought her three more and it's taken her 6 months to read one. SHe was an avid romance novel reader before. SHe'd read a book a weekend. Now, she won't read.

Second, Do something with her life. She is back to doing nothting during the day. SHe doesn't work, doesn't clean, doesn't do SAHM stuff except errands. She went to get trained as an EMT after the Affair (His and her plans for their future) but she hasn't gotten qualified so she can start working. She just watches TV and surfs the internet most of the day.

Third, Tell me she's sorry much more often. It happens occasionally. SHe tells me she loves me a lot, but I still need to hear she is sorry for what she did.

Fourth, Talk about the affair. SHe has NEVER EVER brought up the affair to talk about. It has always been me. I asked her to give me a synopsis of her past year of IC and status of 'why' during our next date night, but she has not planned the date in two months. I don't think she wants to talk about it.

Fifth, Be sexual. Initiate sex some times. Suggest exciting ways. Be part of it. She is very apprehensive during sex because of the difficulties I've had since DD. I appreciate that but sometimes I just want to sit back and enjoy it. Take the lead some times.

I had to get that out. Thanks for listening.

[This message edited by SecondHelping at 4:07 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)]

ineedtoleave posted 12/3/2013 13:38 PM

Hugs (((SecondHelping))).... Yes, you have come a long way. But there's still a long way to go. Have you read "Joseph's Letter" in the library? That might help... the overwhelming statement you're making is that she isn't doing enough. Mine isn't either. My fault, I don't press it, I think because I think that we're done emotionally, and I don't care anymore. You still care, tho. She needs to step up... Maybe something shorter than a book, like one of the letters in the Library will help you in the intertia you find yourself in... best of luck.

BAB61 posted 12/4/2013 01:09 AM

Maybe you should actually read the books to her. Make the date yourself and do that.

tryingtwo posted 12/4/2013 23:54 PM

There is such pleasure in being the victim.

Isn't there?

Would I ask if I hadn't already played the part?

What would happen if you were not the victim?

What happens if you fight for your own lfe

What happens if you call bullshit?

What happens if you draw a line in the sand saying no more.

What happens if you see lifee beyond that point?

What if you can be loved better?

Move on...What if you move to a better place?

Do not disregard profound movement in a life. Sometimes that is what you actually need.

Or...whatever. Me, I stayed, but I didn't settle for whatever.

SecondHelping posted 12/5/2013 13:30 PM

I don't understand. Are you saying I'm playing the victim? I am, but I don't think I am.

I just trying to say that I've over the hump and I'm getting better. There are things I wish my fWW would do more of, but it's not a requirement.

I'm me and I'm getting myself better. Making myself better.

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