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Newest Member: asherssoul (45716)

User Topic: SO and EX tollerance...
Shockleader
♂ 36827
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Curious, what are your feelings about your SO and their past relationships? Are you cool with them still in contact with them via FB, or other forms of communication? How about mementos, love letters, etc that they may keep?...

For me, I get rid of that stuff, and I NEVER communicate again. To me it feels like emotional dilution for the person you are with, not fair to them, and leaves them feeling unsafe. I have read on an OLD dating site questionnaire that many folks are cool with a potential SO even going on a "date" with an old flame should they be visiting outa town . That would never work for me, and curious what the folks of SI have to say about my questions. I'm of the belief that if you expect 100% of me and my heart, I expect 100% from you... Thanks!


D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
Xcheater 44
One DD 19
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A!

The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...


Posts: 652 | Registered: Sep 2012
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My EX never got over his former loves. In fact, one of the OW was a former love. I used to be a very "cool" person who was "cool" with people staying in touch with former loves.

I am not cool anymore. With any of it.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10012 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Crescita
♀ 32616
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It’s a bit tricky because there are degrees of involvement. I don’t expect my SO to block anyone he ever had any flirtation with, or burn all of his old prom pics. He has a stack of letters from his service in Iraq, I’d certainly never ask him to toss those. You can be sentimental about a time, not the person, or maybe dating was a mistake but knowing someone isn’t. There is also the laziness of purging old mementos, it would take considerable work for me to erase all traces of my wxh, I don't care that much. If my SO had a serious former flame that he talked to every month or carried a picture around in his wallet it would be a different story, but he is pretty respectful about it, so for now, it doesn’t bother me, and as far as I know my actions don't bother him.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3521 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
InnerLight
♀ 19946
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Going on a date with an ex visiting from out of town might bother me, we would have to talk about it. It makes a difference whether its engaging a relationship or settling the past and letting go. I might be OK with the latter. Not regular contact.

As far as burning old EX pictures and letters. I've kept all mine in a box and I won't be burning it. I want to be able to review it in 20-30 years when my perspective will be different. I regret throwing out old journals from my childhood out of a desire to 'let go of the past'. Now I wish I had them to have more concrete evidence of my thinking way back then. I don't remember so well. By the same token I will keep a box of Ex for distant future ruminations.


BS, now age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years M and 20 together. In some ways I have not 'gotten over it'. But I am resilient and have created a good life where I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5895 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Dawnie
♀ 26912
Member # 26912
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a very black and white person, when I am done with a relationship I am done which includes any contact and momentos.

My current husband was married twice before meeting me and he has no pics of any of his ex wives. He does however have an album from his teen/military days which includes pictures of his high school girlfriend. I dont mind that he has this but if he looked at it on a weekly basis I would be bothered. This same high school girlfriend he is in still contact with because he does side work for her father who owns and rents many homes and she is the financial coordinator. So he speaks to her on a weekly basis which does rub me the wrong way but I try to keep in perspective. I have met her and she is extremely overweight and unattractive so logically it shouldnt bother me, but it does and he knows it. I guess that comes with being a BS, you are always on guard.


DIVORCED! Remarried to a real man!
BW (me) - 41 (now 46)
WH (him) - 43 (now 48)
OW - 23 yr old foreign gold digging whore looking for her American meal ticket
1 14 yr old son (now 19)
married 20 years/together 25 years
D day - 9/23/2009 5pm

Posts: 802 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Mid Atlantic coast
fireproof
♀ 36126
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think if he had an ex and she was single then that would be different. I still don't know if I would say anything- I tend to not worry about those things which leads me to my second point.

I think it depends on personal experience. I have very close male friends 20+ years married now and the person I am dating I hope would be ok if I went to dinner with just them. Their wives are ok with it- I have been around a long time- married but still no issue. Honestly I would pick my friends they have been there a long time and I would like to think he would understand and be ok. If not there is no way I am giving them up.

I think it really depends on the nature of a relationship. For me if I have to worry then something else is going on.


Posts: 1055 | Registered: Jul 2012
SoHappyNow
♀ 8923
Member # 8923
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have actively encouraged my SO to stay friendly with his ex wife (whenever she's not crazy - a term her own mother has used to describe her). They have two daughters and possibly will someday have grandchildren in common. I feel that he owes her a certain amount of respect and concern, as she is the mother of his children.


In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer..Albert Camus

***Used to be hit-by-a-train***
Remarried 2/14/14


Posts: 2299 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: USA
little turtle
♀ 15584
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm learning to accept that SO's ex-gf will always be around in one way or another. Her sister is in a long term relationship with SO's best friend who is also my best friend's husband's brother. Luckily, we all get along.

I wouldn't be okay with SO going out to lunch with an old gf. There's no reason for that to happen. We can all go together.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4223 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
cmego
♀ 30346
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope…I think unless it is work/child related…there is no reason to stay in contact with a significant ex. I can see staying in touch with someone you may have gone on a date or two with, but decided you were better friends, and THEN developed a friendship. To me ^^^ is not a "significant ex".

I'm more of a "cut all ties" person too. I think it is "too dangerous" to stay in touch with people you used to have feelings for. I think it shows weak boundaries. Plus, I wouldn't want to upset my current partner, or give them something to worry about.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4215 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
lynnm1947
♀ 15300
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have made a point of eventually becoming friends with all exes (including the serial philanderer) and no, I do not harbour any thoughts of a re-do. I just figure life is too short to hold grudges and it just hurts me more anyway. My S/O is also friends with a bunch of his exes. We always attend one ex's Hallowe'en parties. I think it depends largely on the people involved. If you, S/O and the exes are people who have your boundaries firmly in place, I don't see any reason why people cannot be friends. Just not THAT kind of friends. I am having dinner tonight with the XSO. My current guy knows and has no problem with it because he knows my feelings about this particular man as a significant other!

[This message edited by lynnm1947 at 11:11 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)]


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 7399 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
Topic Posts: 10

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